I’ve talked a couple of times about our local Knoxville culture getting screwed up by a bunch of asshats moving here and trying to rebuild it in their own image … From basic skills of “being intentionally rude and uncaring” to “being a good neighbors.”
     When I say that they don’t know how to be “good neighbors,”  it’s not about the people next door who keep to themselves— it’s about having a sense of community and civic responsibility.  East Tennessee’s had that until recent years.

     In this area, people drive pretty well, whereas in my travels, I’ve often complained about the way people drive.
     Here, they’re slightly aggressive, and mostly polite.  They tend to pay attention, and allow people their space.  They don’t try and run you down when you’re coming on an interstate entrance ramp.  They don’t stop in the middle of the road for no reason.  The light is green, they go.  The light is red, they stop.  They don’t pull out in front of people for no reason.  And they pretty much obey the traffic laws.
     But people who move here?  Yeah, not so much…

     Cathy, over at Domestic Psychology, got on the same train of thought …

This week, I pulled up to the white line behind which you are expected to stop at a red light. I came to a stop and looked closely at the car beside me which crossed all four tires across the line before stopping. When the light turned green, I looked at the beyond the line driver’s plates and saw that they were Indiana plates. I was letting the information slide to the back of my mind as I pulled to another red light and another car did the exact same thing. This time I was far enough back to see that the eager driver had Illinois plates. Twice in 5 minutes on Kingston Pike, a very heavily trafficked street I saw cars doing what I consider against the law and both times they had out of town plates. So, I thought about this the rest of the way to my destination. Number one thought was that I was getting tired of catching every single red light. Number two thought was that maybe other states don’t have lines at intersections like Tennessee does. My third thought was that there must be something wrong with drivers in states that start with the letter “I”. Number four thought, which I seriously considered the longest, was that Tennessee drivers are just more considerate and law abiding drivers.

     Due to my comments about that, which Cathy chose to include on her blog entry … I will now list the “Women Can’t Drive” States:

• Indiana
• Iowa
• Both Dakotas
• Michigan
• Minnesota

     It could be because of the whole “We have farms!  Be a housewife!” thing, and many women are worried about driving after being stigmatized for years.  It could also be because of a lack of Driver’s Education in those states (which is amusing considering that Michigan actually products quite a few automobiles).  It could also be because city-type areas are much further away from each other “up north” than they are in the East Tennessee area, and people don’t know what the Hell to do when they keep seeing red light after red light, entrance ramp after entrance ramp, car after car…

     Strangely, these are also the “Driving Without a License” States…

     Saturday night, I realized something pretty important.  I’ve always said, I work hard, and play harder.  I try and balance all of my work stress and just have a good time when I’m not working.  As out of balance as things have been for the last three and half weeks, it’s no wonder I got a little moody.
     After pretty much getting as pissed off as I can get (which wasn’t that bad by many peoples’ standards — I try and keep my composure these days), I decided, “Life’s too friggin’ short for this crap.”

     Of course, by 10:30PM Saturday night, my mood had much improved thanks, in small part, to …

     … v2.0 (Now with Blonde Hair and a Perky, Bubbly Personality!).
     As did Sunday night’s entertainment: a fun young woman who seems to share a lot of my rather eccentric hobbies & tastes.  Who knew?

     You fall off, ya jump back on the horse.

     [ I said HORSE, Mushy... Jeez! ]

     All in all, the weekend made even this morning’s 5AM grind and subsequent Stress Hell seem not all that bad…

     Balance is a wonderful thing. 

Tip: Thanks, CP, D, N, J & C.  You girls really helped me outta my funk.  And, of course, Zacque, Julie and Diva for putting up with me through it.

     It’s been a day for stupidity.  Ex’s from all over the globe have psychicly tuned into the fact that I don’t feel very good today.  Phone calls, e-mails, text messages have innundated me since 4AM.  I don’t drunk dial, so listening to the voicemails and reading messages this afternoon has been surprisingly humorous, in an ironic and futile sort of way.

     “You’ve got some serious mental issues,” came across the screen from someone who admittedly has so many issues, so much hurt and pain from past relationships, that she just can’t believe anyone might give a damn about her.  Amazing.

     The only things I’ve gotten, outta loving certain women more than anything else in the world, was a lot of abuse, ridiculous accusations of conspiracy and pain like nothing else.
     Oh, and a drinking problem while trying to deal with it all.

     Today has really made me take note of something I never noticed before.  That’s three women in my life who’ve meant more to me than anything else in world, and they’ve meant more and more each time.  There were no cataclysmic events to bring us together, no circumstances which made for inseperable bonds; they just happened.  They happened at times when I was complacent, together, content and independent.
     But as time drug on, each of them proved themselves to be little more than repressed, emotionally distant and abusive to a ridiculous degree.  Gives a whole new meaning to, “Nice guys finish last.”

     Seriously, all the migraines, bullets, knives, skinheads, lawyers, quack doctors and random assholes in the world couldn’t take me down.  But three women could get through every damned defense I’d built up over the years, and tear fleshy chunks out of my heart as a sacrifice to their “independence.”

     The circle is now complete … The Unholy Trinity is formed … 
     The Mother, the Daughter-in-Law and the Unholy Anagram.
     I never had a good relationship with my mother.  It’s really making me think that maybe there is something to all that Freudian bullshit.  And maybe she was right … for all the love shown to the Unholy Trinity, maybe I really am the Antichrist, like she said.

     So maybe I do have some “serious mental issues” … now … now that I’ve been used, abused and discarded like a three-cycle dryer sheet … cuz I’ve certainly been through the wash a few times with all of them.

     Remember that old Police tune?

The sky turned to black
Would he ever come back?
They would climb a high dune
They would pray to the moon
But he’d never return
So the sisters would burn
As their eyes searched the land
With their cups still full of sand…

     I’ve heard the same line so many times, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  I’ve heard more than that … way more … enough to make many men feel they were God … and yet …

     And yet …

     …

     .

     *shrug*

     I don’t …

There are two types of people who write checks at the counter these days:

• Construction workers who have gigantic checks often in gigantic books
• Old ladies with gigantic purses

I will allow for the former, but the later is making me crazy. This is 2007! Why are you still writing checks? Men don’t write checks because we don’t carry around a piece of luggage to hold the damned things. And we don’t enjoy writing in cursive. I think this may be part of the issue. Women enjoy writing in cursive.

And I think it may be a class of people who have more time than anything. That’s the only explanation for not just the ungodly slow check writing process, but also for the makes-me-want-to-strangle-them act of waiting until they get a total to pull out the billy club of a wallet and start actually putting pen to paper! They live in a world where time is not an issue. A land that time forgot.

I know this rant will have no impact because the Luddites that still write checks are not on the freakin’ internet reading blogs. If they have a computer, it is collecting dust in the other room after they got online and clicked where they should not have and now when they turn it on they immediately get 25 porn pop-ups.

I swear, last time I was behind one of these old ladies I nearly grabbed her checkbook and ripped it to shreds and screamed “use the freakin’ card they sent you slow ass bitch!”

Yes, I too succumb to peer-pressure.  I’ve thought about doing this since Mark started doing it.  (A very trendy guy he seems to have become.)  I finally have overcome the strong urge not post this at all or wait until Tuesday just to go against the grain.  I now will attempt to woo you with my version, (drum roll please,) of my very own:

Monday Melee

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

Misuse or overuse of words: like, f*ck, dude, man, buddy and many left unmentioned.  When can we go back to using the words correctly?  Why must we always use euphemistic language to soften the blow?  I say you may not like it but at least you can get the point across.  Besides, life is just too short for that kind of crap.

*close second: OLD NEWS

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

Beer commercials…  They can’t all be the greatest beer in the world.  There is only room for one beer to have the title.  Unfortunately, I personally don’t think it exists…  I know how I would be if I were a brewer, I’d drink it!!!  This friends, this very occurrence is quite possibly, what may have happened.  A perfect beer probably was created and the brewers got drunk and forgot how to do make it.  To mangle a Tenacious D line, none of this is the greatest beer in the world…  It is just a tribute.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

My pants…  I can’t them on or off fast enough and they never stay up when I want them to.  (I don’t want to be an ass to the entire world, nor show it to them either.)

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

Hats off to the woman who convinced me to move to this strange city…  Unfortunately, I still find it very strange and unfortunately unfamiliar.  Nevertheless, I think I like it.  Maybe if it were covered in chocolate or genitalia it would be more enticing.  Maybe I could convince some of my friends would come and visit too…

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

My insatiable ability to find new ways to amuse myself…  (No Mark and Diva, I already knew why God gave me two hands.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

Must I really?  Okay…  Love, Sex, Money, Carie, Steady Work, Sex, Happiness (the spelling needs to change to Happenis, because I’ve never been around anyone for long who wasn’t happy a penis was involved), Sex, Food, Love, Love that comes with food, Carie, my friends to be happy even in my abstinence (oops I meant absence…)

Thus is the conclusion of my Monday Melee.  You too can join in the fun by visiting The Monday Melee page and completing the steps.  Kick-start your brains on Mondays, meet other bloggers, and by George have a darn good time too.

     I got this comment, and thought, “Hey, why not make this asshat famous?  He’s almost as cool as Joseph Ferrante!”

mullah cimoc | shirin_hassan77@yahoo.com | IP: 67.166.109.28

mullah cimoc say paris hilton the good and the courage. him not run away, but go to jail. this calld the charcter.

she the beautifuyl and the natural and having so many baby in future to be good wife and mother.

but lesbian ameriki and lesbian ameriki mans hating her for natural the beauty and normal liking the boy.

ameriki so wicked and hate the woman unless she killing the baby and liking the lesbian.

in waziristan this not happen. father him not allow anyone hurting him daughter. taking the “special measure”. but ameriki so tame now. no respect for self.

in waziristan whole clan attacking this wicked judge and destroy, and also destry him entire family, to include even the second cousin. and burn with fire. and all grave of ancestor destroy and give bone for dog.

hypocrite liar ameriki say him “free” the womans but in true..ameriki woman the whore with LBT (low back tattoo) and hate husband. only free to having the abortion kill bnaby , to being slut and bad wife not cooking.
so soon all ameriki need make freedom and destroy controlling of usa by masters in tel aviv through spy in white house and pentagon.

for him true and good info: stop1984now@yahoo.com

     If you look around the ‘net, you’ll find all sorts of garbage like that from Mullah Comic … errr, Mullah Cimoc, rather.

     Dude, yer not funny.  Really.  Stop it.

     Besides, I still know several women with LBT’s who are pretty good cooks, although, I don’t know of any like that from where you are in Utah (which is a long way from Waziristan, Pakistan, last I checked).  Regardless, when they’re not cooking, at least their husbands have something to aim at…

My friend Jane has been having serious relationship issues lately. Almost to the point that her head is turning all the way around like that possessed chick in The Exorcist.

After much thought (and actual research) on why relationships fail, I’ve come to the conclusion that the sister just needs to settle down, grow up and learn to deal with real life problems as they come at her.

Jane spent several days in a highly agitated state. Being around her as much as I am, I started to be concerned that something might be wrong in her relationship with the fella she’s supposed to marry soon. So, being a good friend, I asked.

She started explaining that for the most part, her relationship with Pete was awesome. They have alot in common (love of music, riding around with no real destination, talking about silly stuff, family values… you get the picture). She then went on to tell me that even though she knows he loves her and he does so much to show it by spoiling her rotten and giving her everything she could want, that there is something really important missing. Intimacy.

At first it appeared that she was troubled by the decrease in or lack of sex in their relationship. But after listening to her and thinking about what she had been saying, it was clear to me that it was more than her being horny and him ignoring it. There was something more to it.

In a relationship, there has to be a balance in every aspect of the relationship otherwise the whole world may seem like its coming to an end. Everything just has to be n’sync.

The emotional needs of both partners must be met by showing compassion and allowing the other to see into the heart of the partner.

The social needs of both partners must be met by doing things together. Whether taking a road trip, going out with friends or sitting on the front porch having social hour.

The intellectual needs must be met by discussions that run deep. As long as the two can discuss THEIR personal views together it doesn’t matter what the discussion is about. Communication is key in keeping each other interested.

Now, all of the above needs were being met for Jane. But the one need that threw the balance in Jane’s world out of sync was closing in for a kill in the relationship. So, she was naturally falling apart at the seams trying to figure out what to do. She couldn’t figure out why Pete was pushing her away when it came to her physical (sexual) needs.

I asked her if it was just lack of sex. As it turns out she just needs that intimate closeness. The hand on her leg when they are in the car. Getting naked and snuggling close with his arms wrapped around her, without the expectation of sex.

My suggestion to Jane was… talk about it. Make sure you both know what the problem(s) is/are. Many times there is a reason for said problem. Sometimes it takes some tears. Sometimes we have to say what we feel, even if it hurts.

Fact is, it takes work to maintain a relationship. It takes attention to detail in every aspect of that relationship to keep it going strong. If you can’t talk about what might be bothering you and you can’t talk it out, there might just be a bigger problem.

As for my friend Jane, she went to Pete and made sure that the lines of communication were wide open.  Hopefully, they can talk about whatever they have going on and get things on track.

     I feel incredibly lucky that I’m not afraid of the opposite sex.  I can talk to anyone, any time, for pretty much any reason.  It comes naturally, having the gift of gab.  And so, I will continue where Flirting 101 left off.

     Regardless of whether or not I mean to, or even mean anything by it, I flirt.  Even when I’m not flirting, I still get accused of it.
     Of course, there are three very distinct degrees of flirting, and it’s very important to choose both your targets and your motivations carefully.

     First, there’s the Casual Flirt, who’ll flirt with most anyone, and doesn’t really mean anything by it.  This is where most people start.  Sometimes you do it to be friendly.  Other times you’re establishing your presence in new surroundings.  Sometimes, it’s nothing more than a casual ego-boost to have someone flirt back — however, this should never be confused with the Romantic Flirt (explained later).  
     The Material Flirt has an agenda in mind — they want to sway the outcome of a given situation to their favor.  This type of flirting can be used everywhere from trying to get a better deal on an order to trying to swaying a Jury in a courtroom.  It’s also an exceptionally handy skill in Business.
     The Romantic Flirt has a more “personal” agenda in mind.  They flirt with the object of their desire, attempting to gain favor for whatever means.

     Any person can be all of the above, so it’s important to keep your objective in mind.  Is it general banter?  A price break on an order?  Or are you looking to hook up?

     Not having a clear objective is where many people screw up.

     The Romantic Flirt has even more pitfalls ahead.  But you can mitigate these issues by remembering the Three R’s:

• Romp
• Relationship
• Run like Hell!

     Paying attention to the Three R’s will allow you time to get to know someone, and avoid potentially embarrassing situations.  Always keep those in mind!
     It should also go without saying that you should never flirt so much that you make an ass of yourself — hindsight is 20/20, and you may make a mistake that could end up haunting you for life.
     Next, always keep them guessing, and try not to be too overt about your motives — some things are better left to the imagination, and you’re less likely sound like an utter prick.
     Last, but certainly not least, don’t try to “seal the deal” too quickly.  If you successfully flirt over a given period of time, you have an “in.”  Be yourself, and you’re golden.

     Even with all of those things in mind, an experienced Romantic Flirt like myself may still run into the occasional problem — it happens to everyone!

     One night, for instance, after trying unsuccessfully to set a friend up with a cute blonde his age, I ended up making out with the object of his affections.  She was pretty, very early twenties, tall and slender.
     I was smart in keeping things on a more platonic level, all public snogging at the table aside.  It allowed me time, over the course of the following week, to realize that she had a rather serious drug problem.
     Using the Three R’s, I relegated her status to Run like Hell.  Of course, being the kind and generous guy that I am, I did introduce her to someone else…
     (Sorry, dude. *snicker*)

     Sometimes, however, problems arise where even the Three R’s can’t help you.  These issues will require you to completely change your flirting style.  For instance…
     Mid-winter, around twelve years ago, I began talking with a woman at local Blues club.  We exchanged telephone numbers, and agreed to meet the next night.  Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what a body looks like under winter wraps, but she appeared to be quite curvy, which I love.  She had a warm personality, beautiful eyes and an incredible smile.
     What I found out the next night, however, after she took off her coat, is that she was more muscular than I was.  This is something I do not find attractive in the least, so I then reverted from Romantic Flirt to Casual Flirt and we’ve been friends ever since.
     I was very glad about the turn of events, as some time later, I witnessed her channel her rage by physically assaulting a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend using incredible feats of strength that would get a “Hoo-ah!” out of the manliest of men … and wrestlers, too.  I have not seen the guy in public since…

     These are common problems.  However, I often hear much worse tales of those who are young and/or inexperienced enough to make even more fatal mistakes.

     To re-cap the Rules of Flirting:

1. Carefully choose who it you’re trying to flirt with.
2. Keep your objective in mind.
3. Choose your flirting style:
   1. Casual Flirt
   2. Material Flirt
   3. Romantic Flirt
      1. Romp
      2. Relationship
      3. Run like Hell!

     Please review the following video as an example of what can happen when you break nearly every Rule of Flirting:

     Excluding the obvious issues, given this outline, it’s very easy to see where this young pup went wrong, isn’t it?

     Any questions?

     I find Sasha Baron Cohen brilliant, a master-of-irony whose talents rival the twisted genius of Andy Kaufman.  As Ali G (a muslim ‘gangsta’ rapper), he caused tremendous controversey from unwitting participants on his English talk show.  As Bruno (an openly gay Austrian fashion correspondent), he’s repeatedly shaken up the industry and called out many a designer on their pompous, ridiculous notions.  And as Borat (a Kazakhstani reporter filming a documentary about the US — and A), he’s managed to piss off pretty much everyone from the Grand Ol’ South to the former Soviet bloc.

     But there is a great truth that everyone should know:

     Most Men find Borat hilarious.

     Most Women do not.

     For those burning up with Borat Fever (this means you, Zacque!  *grin*), some translation may be required:

     Men who make impersonation of reporter from glorious nation of Kazakhstan have great success in not make sexy time with girlfriend.  Is bad for you… High five!  Fortunate, there is help… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Not.  Please to review following video, ”Borat Sketch (PSA): Cultural Learnings for Make Unoriginal Douchebag Stop Do Impersonation.”

     For you Dave Chappelle wannabes out there … You are not Rick James, bitch!  Help will be coming for you soon…