I’ve had two “urgent” messages this morning to call people back at (865) 455-2105.
It must be important… But I refuse to call the number again.
I am an office manager for an small biomedical company in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. We are not a million dollar baby. We are not listed as one of the top companies in the Fortune 500. We are of no consequence to anyone, really. That is, anyone but those damn telemarketers, who seem to call more than our customers do. Until the past two days, the last statement was strictly a sarcastic theory.
I have made it my goal in life to give every telemarketer that calls our office so much shit, that they will beg the powers that be to take our multiple phone numbers off of the automated speedy dialer set up they utilize.
I have found out that the low level asshat that initiates this variety of phone call is generally a mega wuss. Scary Diva puts fear in them and they automatically put me through to a supervisor. Which is fine by me, that’s who I’d prefer to bitch at anyway.
The typical call is as follows:
Asshat: Hello, ma’am. I am calling today on behalf of BellSouth.
Me: You’re calling on behalf of BellSouth? Are you BellSouth or some poor schmuck hired by BellSouth to take this ass whipping?
Asshat: We are contracted by BellSouth to contact existing customers with this exciting..
Me: Let me guess, an exciting new plan?
Asshat: Yes, ma’am. We are…
Me: Stop right there. What is the name of your company?
Asshat: (will name off whatever company of the day is)
Me: And what is your name, please?
Asshat: I can not disclose my name.
Me: You can’t disclose your name? Where is your supervisor?
Asshat: I don’t understand, ma’am.
Me: Your supervisor, your boss. Please put them on the phone.
Asshat: One moment.
Asshat supervisor: I understand there is a problem here?
Me: You could call it that. When I get more calls a day from people like you bogging down my phone lines than I do from my customers, that is a major problem for me.
Assshat supervisor: Let me explain why…
Me: No! Let me explain to you. What is YOUR name. I have your company name.
Asshat supervisor: (rambles off a name)
Me: Okay. Now, I would like this to be recorded. Am I being recorded for quality and training purposes, pal?
Asshat supervisor: Yes, ma’am.
Me: Then understand this. I am keeping your name, the name of your company, the time and date that I spoke with you. I would like you to remove our phone numbers from your database. I would like to cease communication from your company. Do you understand?
Asshat supervisor: Yes. We will remove you immediately.
Me: Great. Because we report companies that do not remove us from their call lists/databases after we request it. I now have everything I need to report your company to the FCC for furthering communications after being asked to stop.
So, the story goes. Of course, the FCC doesn’t do shit for a body. You call, register a complaint, and nothing happens. But, it sure is alot of fun to harass the shit out of someone who’s job it is to harass the shit out of me.
The top of my “I HATE THESE GUYS” list is Bell South, followed ever so closely by Birch Telecom.
I also despise all of these shipping companies who try to out screw each other for the tidbit of business they might be able to get. Of which, my response is always, “If I’m gonna get screwed by a freight company, I’m sticking with UPS because our driver is freakin hot. But thank you for calling and trying to win my business! If you’d like to send some hot drivers over here for inspection, I might consider giving you my business, but I warn you. Our UPS guy will be hard to beat.”
Have a great dessert day, pal.
This morning, I got a call from a customer who was attempting to use the Tennessee Purchasing Division’s Notice of Award and Bid Opportunities system. It’s a pretty common situation: the State has some software that was written many, many years ago, and haven’t bothered to update it. They ask users to download a plugin which doesn’t work on Windows XP, and is unsupported by IBM.
First call, I ask to speak with anyone who can handle some website issues. The phone rings and rings, and eventually someone picks it up, and hangs up on me.
The second call, I get an operator who insists on connecting me with the bids department. When I get there, I’m told, “I don’t handle that!” and promptly get hung up on.
On the third call, the first operator answers again and tells me that I should talk to “Random Government Employee” (RGE).
“Hi, RGE, I’m calling for a vendor. We’re having some issues using the website,” I explain.
“What seems to be the problem?” he monotones.
“Well, the viewer software that you guys direct people to download isn’t compatible with XP. It hasn’t been updated since 2004.”
“Yes it does work with XP!” he responds angrily.
“Well, my customer has tried it, I’ve tried it, and it doesn’t work.”
“We use it here!” he interjects.
“Well, that would probably be a different one, made to work with your printing system. There’s another…”
“No, there’s only one!” he interrupts.
“Okay, anyway, it doesn’t work.”
“Yes it does!” he yells.
He promptly hangs up on me.
Now, three calls, three hangups, I’m getting a little annoyed.
Fourth call, I speak with Operator #2 again, and she directs me to someone, but refuses to tell me the person’s name. Ok.
“This is RGE. Can I help you?”
“Yes, I was calling about the website. Do you handle technical issues?” I ask.
“I can handle some,” she responds. “It depends on what it is.”
“Well, the APF viewer software that’s linked from the website doesn’t work with XP…”
“Yes it does,” she states bluntly.
“No, ma’am, it doesn’t. It comes up with an installer error. The IBM website has no XP compatibility listed. The file is marked ‘old and unsupported’ and the ‘new’ file to replace that, which is supposedly compatible with XP doesn’t have a print button.”
“Yes it does,” she states bluntly, again.
“Ma’am, I’ve attempted this on two machines. The customer has tried it on theirs. Setup will not run.”
“It works fine. We run XP, and it works fine.”
She hangs up.
Apparently, ’some’ technical support meant, “If I feel like you’re worth talking to.”
I told my customer what was going on.
In the meantime, they’d called and spoken with a different RGE.
“Your firewall is blocking it.”
How this has anything to do with a program that won’t install is beyond me.
Playing, “yes it does / no it doesn’t,” with adults is bothersome enough. There are no questions: “You are wrong!” is the resounding argument. They won’t listen to the issue, just want to argue, and have no intention of helping anyone.
And the hanging up thing? That’s just asinine. I could see the point if I was calling screaming at them, cursing or just generally being a jerk, but I’m not. I don’t do that. I have to keep some semblance of civility. I mean, after all, I am calling them for assistance…
But no.
No assistance. No civility. Nothing but a dialtone.
It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened, either. Dealing with the State Department of Education was just as difficult given a situation that didn’t exactly fit any specific criteria. Dealing with a Sales and Use Tax office that can’t process anything in a timely fashion unless you physically wave it under their noses isn’t very helpful either. Neither can the Department of Vital Records get their heads out to do what they say they’re gonna do…
Certainly, the culture in Tennessee Government is pretty far removed from the way it used to be. And these days, there’s no one to even complain to when there’s a problem.
So do we do the typical thing and blame the influx of rude immigrants, or should this growing problem be placed squarely at the feet of Governor Phil Bredesen? The way it is now, I’d rather be talking to Indians. At least then I can eventually get transferred to a manager…
