After being out in the middle of nowhere, somewhere far south of Eden, I found myself once again in traffic.  There I was in the car trying visit a friend and I get land locked on the north end of town.  Shortly after wading through the mindless meddling of fools of ill repute, I finally found myself at the intersection, full of beavers, creeks, and pikes.

After spending an over abundance of my time waiting… and waiting… I finally found a break in the traffic.  It was the perfect defense as the maroon Ford pickup truck set a beautiful pick right in front of me. I went for it…

Like so many other times the maneuver went off without a hitch.  However I was jarred back to the utter reality of the asshats around me when I recieved a rather impolite HONK from another pickup which was a considerable distance away.  It was only then I rememebred, “The horn blows, does the driver?” Shortly after that the Boy Scout inside said, “Aren’t horns only to be used in case of emergency?” 

So in response, I would like to propose an idiot tax based on infringement of proper horn use.  If you blow your horn (excluding those proper for exposure in the bedroom, especially mine) for any other reason than the aforementioned you should be subject to a fine of $250. This fine would assist in driver education programs designed for those who will be driving in your stead when you injure yourself from your own stupidity.  By no means should you quit driving the way you do once this fine is enacted since theoretically this could eventually create a great excess and could become an education subsidy.

So here’s to you… keep up the driving diarrhea.  One day we’ll clean up this crap, but right now we don’t have the man or woman power. But in our independence filled society I’m sure we can come to a rational conclusion on this issue and that’s my final answer.

On the way back, from out the woods, all of a sudden the traffic came to a stand still.  For a second I thought I had given way to shock and was in need medical attention because this is Maryville, Tennessee. This is a town that is maybe three times the size of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, it seemed a bit excessive to require four police cars and one tow truck at the “scene of the crime.” 

After all it was just a routine case of dented rear (end) syndrome.  One idiot/person liked the other person’s butt a little too much and would have no long distance relationship. For this driver, he wanted that butt just like a babyboomer to coke: ”ITS MINE!!! I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!”  A moment of pure obsessive madness.

The larger problem is the inability of said law enforcement to correctly assist in navigating around such a traffic fiasco.  No, instead said officer motioned as if I was to stop my motor vehicle.  What he then failed to do was request that I drive around said incident while he walked past me. 

This was not a case of American blind justice, just sheer irreverence for having a decent work ethic.  After all aren’t public servants supposed to perform their tasks to the best of their ability no matter how irksome? Or, in the midst of other current events, have the law enforcement officials in Maryville be taking notes from the Knox County Commision?  Only time will tell…

     So, Anton and I were chatting earlier, and he sends me a link to this video.  He says, “It’s kinda interesting in a horrid sort of way.”

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f80Rv1acZA)

     Although it’s touted as the “Korean Free Version,” I couldn’t help but note that there were, in fact, PLENTY of Koreans…
     But hey, he’s no William Hung…

     In other, unrelated video, Miss Teen South Carolina shows us that Peroxide and Television do not mix:

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQdhMSEqhfg)

     I’m sure that all viewers let out a simultaneous and resounding, “WHAT?”

     Funny that I should stumble across this one immediately after:

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nojWJ6-XmeQ)

     Coincidence?

     *snicker*

     Weird Al Yankovic’s been walking that line for years, eh?

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWmiO4SavZI)

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Es5HV529xI)

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw)

     Oh, and a Red Hot Chili Peppers Medley…

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEQUpAICv6w)

     So, uhh, why all the Weird Al?  I needed some competent stupidity to offset all the incompetent stupidity of attempting to do a planned 3AM server migration — a process which failed miserably due to the buggy software platform everything was running on.
     But past that… Laughter keeps from me from killing beating the crap out of firing verbally abusing a few Developers… well, too badly anyway… heh

Okay, when I started blogging, I swore to myself and everything that is held Holy, not to say one word about Paris Hilton. I always felt that she was just not worthy of my attention, as she is a complete and utter attention whore to begin with… why humor her.

But, the courtroom activities of the day have made me realize the err of my ways. She is worthy of being a SKANK OF THE DAY.

Seriously. Let’s say Diva was to go out, do a line or ten, go racing off into the sunset in her pretty little chick-mobile doing 100+ miles an hour. Let’s say the PO-PO blue lighted Diva, found her to be under the influence, arrested her, made her go to court, suspended her license to operate even the simplest motor vehicle.

Do you think Diva would have learned her lesson? The answer is yes. Diva does not desire to spend her days locked up in an icky cell with hardened women criminals that say and do scary things to Diva-like creatures.

But the fact that she was stupid enough to get caught is not why she is the SKANK OF THE DAY. No. On the contrary, she made this list because she was stupid enough to get caught a couple more times driving on said suspended license.

Hello?!?! I know you are filthy freakin rich, and most everybody does most everything for you, but, DUH! Are you STUPID enough to believe that you can get away with the same offense multiple times?? Hire a driver, dumbass! Party your ass off all the time!

In all honesty, I don’t think jail time was warranted. It’s not like she was out there drunker than a skunk. No. She was simply tooling around L.A. like the big Paris dawg she is. You know… shopping, Starbucks… those fruitless tasks that she must endure on a daily basis. Ooops!!!

The city of Los Angeles would have been much better off fining the shit out of her every time she blows it. She is worth ga-gillions. Why not take her for a little more each time she gets out and acts like an ass? Why not have someone watching her for fine-able offenses. The City of Los Angeles would have the money to get police support in Watts where they really need it.

But, they did sentence her. And I went all shades of red when I heard they had released her to house arrest. Why? Mental problems with being in a confined, damp, loud, open place? Not able to eat gourmet? Burritos not good enough for her? Was it not enough that she had her sentence reduced and was only going to have to be there for a minute and a half anyway? Honestly, I’m shocked she made it 10 hours before she flipped completely out.

So, this judge decided that she’s an idiot and now our girl Paris is not only doing her sentence, but she’s doing the whole 45 days. Ooops. Off ya go, lass. Screaming and crying isn’t going to do anything for ya now. Off ya go, with those nice deputies over there. I swear… Drama, drama, drama.

Anyway, let us take a moment to run down the list of why Paris Hilton is a MAJOR LEAGUE SKANK:

1. She has that same stupid pose on the red carpet all the time. Head down-tits and ass pushed out. Well, except that time when she crashed on the motorcycle on the red carpet… I must laugh now, excuse me *ROFLMAO*

Sorry, I’m better now.

2. In and out, in and out, in and out of jail. Now do they let anybody else in and out of jail? Why hell no. Mommy’s money just wasn’t good enough this time.

3. The whole being “best friends with Britney” fiasco. Come on now. Britney was semi-skanky, but Paris managed to drag Britney into BIGTIME SKANKDOM. Hello!?!?! Undergarments… look into them.

**Note. What do you wanna bet she wears her panties for the next 45 days.

4. Even Diva is smart enough not to let any questionable materials out in the open. Hello!?!?! Ever heard of a locked, fire-proof box? Keep your junk in the trunk, sister.

Ok, I feel like I am getting a little bit catty here. And I could go on for miles about why I think Paris Hilton deserves the honor of Skank of the Day, but why?

Am I making me feel any better about being me? No, I rock and I don’t need affirmation anyway. Unlike Paris, I’m the bomb even though I’m not build like Barbie and worth my family’s millions.

In closing a few words to Paris:

They’ll give you blankets if you’re cold. Alot of folks survive college on frozen burritos. You won’t starve. It ain’t the Beverly Hilton (pardon the pun), it’s jail. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

     I’ve had two “urgent” messages this morning to call people back at (865) 455-2105.

     It must be important… But I refuse to call the number again.

     There was a movie called Jackass, but Perry Caravello is King of All Jackasses.  Take a look at this bit from his Legal case against … well, everybody:

SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
FOR THE COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES

PERRY CARAVELLO, Plaintiff
     v.
JIMMY KIMMEL, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, DAKOTA NORTH ENTERTAINMENT, INC., DON BARRIS, ADAM COROLLA, KLSC, 97.1., VICE MAGAZINE, MTZ.COM, BLACKHOLE PRODUCTIONS, PARAMOUNT PICTURES UTUBES.COM, and DOES 1 Through 100, INCLUSIVE, Defendants

Case No. BC372039
Filed: May 31, 2007

COMPLAINT FOR DAMAGES

1. ACCOUNTING
2. DECLARATORY RELIEF
3. COMMON COUNT (UNJUST ENRICHMENT)
4. FRAUD
5. NEGLIGENCE

[ skip to the good bits ]

FOURTH CAUSE OF ACTION
(FRAUD)
(AGAINST ALL DEFENDANTS)

[ skip to the good bits ]

     14. On or about September 27, 2006, plaintiff appeared on the Adam Corolla radio show as part of the promotion of the release of the DVD sales of Windy City Heat. Plaintiff was promise by Defendant JOHNNY KNOXVILLE that Plaintiff would be paid 10 million dollars if he placed his penis in a mousetrap. Plaintiff agreed to do so, and, much to his emotional tranquility and to his physical harm, was severely injured when the trap went on his manhood. As a direct, proximate result thereof, Plaintiff had to seek out medical assistance for said injuries, pain and humiliation. The afforementioned incident has without Plaintiff’s permission and consent been widely disseminated and circulated on the Internet, to his prejudice, humiliation and emotional trauama. The named Defendants did nothing to prevent the incident from happening at the radio studio, and actually filmed the event without his permission or consent.

     Ummm… WHAT KIND OF DUMBASS ARE YOU, PERRY?

     Children… Playground… One kids says, ”I’ll give you a million dollars to lick my spit off the rail!”
     The other kid licks his spit of the rail.  He smiles, and laughs.
     Everyone standing around says, “Ooooooooooh!  Gross!”
     He smiles and laughs.  He doesn’t expect someone to give him a million dollars.  He got the attention he craved.

     So what … You think the rules change when you are supposed to be old enough to know better?  Welcome to adulthood, Dumbass!

     I mean, Dude, your mashed your meat in a device meant to kill animals — what, did you think this didn’t include big lizards?  Trouser snakes?  Waxed dolphins?  You honestly think someone would give you $10 Million for mangling your missile?  Jamming your Johnson?  Pillaging your pud?  And how can you possibly fathon the thought that someone isn’t gonna make a video when you were the one STUPID enough to waste your willy?  Trash your torpedo?  Annihilate your antler?  Sabotage your schlong?  Toast your tool?

     That’s why you get the Asshat of the Day Award, Caravello: For going above and beyond the call of duty to prove that you could be a bigger Jackass than P. J. Clapp ever thought about!
     I’m glad you got a female judge — I’m certain that she’ll make the fallacy (pun intended) of your argument quite clear.  And maybe she’ll remember that P. J. Clapp is Johnny Knoxville’s real name…

     Seriously, the next time you have the urge to preserve your pecker, try not placing it in a mousetrap.

Say, did you hear the one about the Tennessee State Trooper and the Porn Star??? Sounds like the start of a really bad joke, huh? Actually, it’s funnier than a room full of Michael Jackson impersonators whipping each other with wet spaghetti noodles, but it’s no joke.

James Randy Moss, of the Tennessee Highway Patrol, had an anonymous complaint filed against him by a cupie doll named Justis Richert in Nashville, TN.

We here in beautiful KnoxVegas should be proud to boast that Justis, a.k.a. Barbie Cummings *snicker*, is a Knoxvillian. Let’s pause and give Barbie some well-deserved kudos. She makes our community proud by being a big-time porn star who makes her living by flying back and forth to the City of Angels to shoot her fair share of scenes.

I would now like to paraphrase for you how the skinny goes down:

Occifer Perv-A-Lot (OP): Hey sexy, can I see your license & registration?

[Queue Saxaphone Music]

Local Porn Queen (LPQ): Why yes occifer. Here’s my license and registration.

OP: Well, these seems in order. (Hiking up pants, Barney style) Miss Richert, do you have any drugs on you or in your ride?

LPQ: Why hell yes I do. Want some? They are my happy pills, they make me happy and extremely horny. Oh, by the way, I’m a porn star. I can rock your world, baby.

OP: Realllllly now? You aren’t just saying that to get my manhood roaring and to get me into some serious trouble later?

LQP: Oh, no, occifer. I wouldn’t do that in a million and one years. Don’t you have a lappytop in your crusie-woosie. I can show you my work. By the way, my stage name is Barbie Cummings. *snicker*

OP: Well, first, Miss Cummings *snicker*, you’ll need to give me those pills so I can fix your problem. (OP scatters dim pills in da bushes) Now lets take a little stroll on back to my cruiser and we’ll see just how good you really are. How’s that sound?

LQP:  Well, okay.  I think that was really neat what you did.

(Getting into the cruiser and turning on lappy)

OP:   Wow, girl.  Look at you go.  Say, what’ll it take for a nasty, middle aged, perv with a badge to get up next to a sweet thang like you?

LQP:  Jeez, I don’t know.  Maybe if you tape it with your cruiser camera so I can remember you.

OP:  Fine by me.

Some various acts of a sexual nature were captured by Occifer DipShit as he rolled tape.  You know Barbie might have fear of performing action without the lights and cameras.

To make a long story even longer, this guy gives her a copy of the tape….  Where she….you guessed it… POSTED IT ON HER WEBSITE FOR ONE AND ALL TO SEE….

I wonder if this would actually be one of the lamest things I’ve heard?

The names in this blog will be changed to protect the guilty, as my imagination can only run wild as I wonder to myself… WTF are those two talking about?

As heard in Catscratch Jane’s last night…

***Dude, now my breath smells like your girlfriend!***

Um. Where would I go from here? I sat there in the midst of the live “entertainment” which is ever present on Wednesday, my mind spinning, thinking to myself … EWWWW!

Do I even want to know what exactly that meant? Me thinks not.

Yup, yup. Hmm.  Is this one lame, or just plain scary?

This stuff kills me. The guy got a stupid tattoo on a whim, and so, he decides to fix it by getting an even bigger, stupider tattoo on top of it! Yeah, that looks better. I had a girlfriend who got a yin-yang symbol on her hip. She hated it. So she fixed it by getting a dragon tattooed, holding the yin-yang symbol. Hated it.

Eventually these people’s entire bodies will be covered by one enormous tattoo on top of another on top of another…

Hey doofus, this will be on you forever. Think a long time before you do it. For your entire existense, will you want to be seen with a “tribal” arm band? Me, I change outfits daily. I change my hairstyle every so often. I have more than one mood. And what I strongly believed even just a short time ago, I now question. Why the hell would I want anything on my body forever?

And the old tired cliche of getting a dead friend or a child tattoed on you… please. I love my family and friends and if I need a tattoo to show I love my daughter, I have a serious problem. I show my love by, like, actually loving.

A tattooed friend said that it’s addictive. Once you get one, you want more and more. He doesn’t really like most of his tattoos either, like most people I meet. I think it’s more like when you get a new car and it gets that first ding. After that, you really don’t care how many more dings it gets. It’s hosed.