Me: “How can anyone say they love someone and tell that person that they’ll go away if they don’t do exactly what they want?”
     Voice: “That’s not love… it’s control.”
     Me: “How are we supposed to deal with that from other people that we love?”
     Voice: “If they only want to control, the best thing to do is turn your back for a while and give them control of their own lives… if they truly love, they’ll be back.”
     Me: “Kinda like letting children grow up…”
     Voice: “Exactly…”

     Me: “I can’t ask her to move away from everything she knows…”
     Voice: “Two hours is a short drive. especially when you meet in the middle.“

     Me: “What if it all falls down again?”
     Voice: “Don’t let you head rule your heart.  Follow your instincts.“

     Me: “I’m stressed… I can’t think when I’m stressed.”
     Voice: See the light at the end of the tunnel?
     Me: “Yes… Good, it’s almost over…”
     Voice: Steady your course, slowly.  It could be an oncoming train.
     Me: “And this helps me how?  I told you I’m stressed…”
     Voice: Slow down…

     Voice: If you’re always looking at what’s behind you, how will you ever see where you’re going?  Here’s to shrugging off the old and embracing the new without worry, fear or regret.  Change is change … it’s what you make of it that matters.

     Me: ”That could’ve turned out better.”

     Voice: “So could everything.”

        .
        .
        .

     Me: “I need something…”

     Voice: “Grab it.”

     Me: “I can’t…”

     Voice: “Then you don’t need it.”

        .
        .
        .

     Me: “They keep trying to force a situation…”

     Voice: “Let it ride…”

     Me: “I can’t.”

     Voice: “Then they won.”

        .
        .
        .

     Me: “Damn, what am I supposed to do now?”

     Voice: “What do you want to do?”

     Me: “Talk…”

     Voice: “Has that been working?”

     Me: “No…”

     Voice: “…”

     Me: “I listened, too.”

     Voice: “…”

        .
        .
        .

     Me: “I just keep getting in over my head…”

     Voice: “Remember how to swim?”

     Me:  Hmmm… This is a great plan, but how do I…

     Voice:  Start by not questioning.  Finish by doing it.

     Seriously, I wanna take this fucking thing and shoot it.

     Voice: “You know what you did?”
     Me: “I quit.”
     Voice: “Why?”
     “I needed to.”
     “Do you?”
     “…”
     “Do you?”
     “Yeah.”
     “Do you?”
     “Fuck off.”
     “No.”

     I really enjoy reading Doug McCaughan’s “Of Grasshoppers…” blogs over on Reality Me.  I can remember, fifteen-plus years ago, the two of us writing down a lot of things, and it’s good to see that he’s continued to do it.
     For what it’s worth, Doug, thanks.  I’m going get back in the habit…

     This is the first …

     From the beginning of my life, when there was a major decision to be made, there was a small, still voice at the back of my head asking me questions, giving me advice, pointing me in the right direction.  When life looked bleak and the world was in disarray, that voice kept me from losing my grip.
     I used to write down these dialogues, as they were great sources of insight.  Every now and again, I’d go back and read them, and reflect about where I’d ignored direction and deviated from my path into doom and gloom…

     When I was in my mid-20’s, it suddenly stopped.  It coincided with the time I felt I “grew up” and became content with myself.  My life changed drastically then… My attitude changed.  Things mattered less.  Illusions disappeared.  Everything began to fall into place.

     I hadn’t heard that voice in a long time … until about six months ago.  It’s been there, telling me what to look for, things to pay attention to, steering me towards directions and objectives that overwhelm me more and more.
     It’s been pushing me in directions that I’m not used to, which has been extremely difficult given all that’s happened over the last few months.  There’ve been several deaths to deal with … family problems … people to take care of … difficult business decisions … strangers in need … bizarre occurrences and coincidences that have shaken up my beliefs … things popping up from the past … and a surprising, newfound ability to make things right and let it all go …

     But this path that I’ve been on lately has proven more and more difficult, as I’m climbing a hill that seems insurmountable at times.  Just when I’m about to turn back, that small, still voice keeps telling me to steady my course …

     “Why’s it gotta be so fuckin’ hard?!” I’ll scream.

     “Because if it was easy, it wouldn’t mean anything,” it says.