NASHVILLE, TN (Via the Web) - Nashville Investigators and Lawmakers who are using video from the website of porn star Barbie Cummings in order to file charges against Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer Moss are now being surreptitiously released from employment for browsing porn sites from a State Government-funded network.

The former employees are filing wrongful termination suits based on the fact that they were only doing their jobs in investigating the antics of Officer Moss.  However, the fact that they “somehow” knew where to find the video implicating the officer places “cart before horse” doubt on their litigation.

When asked about the merits of the former employees cases, State Defense Attorney, I. P. Freely responded, “Was it the chicken or the egg who came first?”

Attorney for the plaintiffs, I. M. Stoned, quickly retorted, “That’s totally irrelevant!  It was CLEARLY Officer Moss who came first!”

Also in the works, Governor Bredesen’s personal admin assistant, Anita Goodlay, and an additional female staff member known only “the one with the big tits,” have filed Sexual Harrassment charges against the Governor after being wrongfully terminated for refusing to, “Come here and check this out!”

Say, did you hear the one about the Tennessee State Trooper and the Porn Star??? Sounds like the start of a really bad joke, huh? Actually, it’s funnier than a room full of Michael Jackson impersonators whipping each other with wet spaghetti noodles, but it’s no joke.

James Randy Moss, of the Tennessee Highway Patrol, had an anonymous complaint filed against him by a cupie doll named Justis Richert in Nashville, TN.

We here in beautiful KnoxVegas should be proud to boast that Justis, a.k.a. Barbie Cummings *snicker*, is a Knoxvillian. Let’s pause and give Barbie some well-deserved kudos. She makes our community proud by being a big-time porn star who makes her living by flying back and forth to the City of Angels to shoot her fair share of scenes.

I would now like to paraphrase for you how the skinny goes down:

Occifer Perv-A-Lot (OP): Hey sexy, can I see your license & registration?

[Queue Saxaphone Music]

Local Porn Queen (LPQ): Why yes occifer. Here’s my license and registration.

OP: Well, these seems in order. (Hiking up pants, Barney style) Miss Richert, do you have any drugs on you or in your ride?

LPQ: Why hell yes I do. Want some? They are my happy pills, they make me happy and extremely horny. Oh, by the way, I’m a porn star. I can rock your world, baby.

OP: Realllllly now? You aren’t just saying that to get my manhood roaring and to get me into some serious trouble later?

LQP: Oh, no, occifer. I wouldn’t do that in a million and one years. Don’t you have a lappytop in your crusie-woosie. I can show you my work. By the way, my stage name is Barbie Cummings. *snicker*

OP: Well, first, Miss Cummings *snicker*, you’ll need to give me those pills so I can fix your problem. (OP scatters dim pills in da bushes) Now lets take a little stroll on back to my cruiser and we’ll see just how good you really are. How’s that sound?

LQP:  Well, okay.  I think that was really neat what you did.

(Getting into the cruiser and turning on lappy)

OP:   Wow, girl.  Look at you go.  Say, what’ll it take for a nasty, middle aged, perv with a badge to get up next to a sweet thang like you?

LQP:  Jeez, I don’t know.  Maybe if you tape it with your cruiser camera so I can remember you.

OP:  Fine by me.

Some various acts of a sexual nature were captured by Occifer DipShit as he rolled tape.  You know Barbie might have fear of performing action without the lights and cameras.

To make a long story even longer, this guy gives her a copy of the tape….  Where she….you guessed it… POSTED IT ON HER WEBSITE FOR ONE AND ALL TO SEE….

I wonder if this would actually be one of the lamest things I’ve heard?

Not only do I notice skanks and bimbos and man-whores, but I take the time to notice extremely sexy people too. You know, the sexy ones who make you stop for a second and say, “Thank you, God!”

Diva’s choice for HOTTIE OF THE DAY: CRISS ANGEL

My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Can somebody get me a glass of ice water and a set of handcuffs?

I had forgotten just how hot he is since we are currently in between seasons of MindFreak. But just last night, I saw a rerun from last season and it all came rushing back to me. Dang! He’s freakin hot!

I first started drooling over this man a couple years back when I saw him on the strip in Vegas. He was doing card tricks on the street. I didn’t realize who he was until I got home and a good little while later saw him on MindFreak.

In the beginning he was almost scary looking. So, what makes Criss Angel so hot now?

The magician gig. There is something about a mystic that is pure, unadulterated sexy. He is very passionate about his endeavors, which obviously makes Diva think that he would be very passionate in all aspects of his being *wink*.

The hair. He pulls off the long semi-80’s teased look like a pro. Not since Sebastian Bach has any man rocked 80’s mall hair.

The eyes. Mesmerizing. Deep eyes that you could get lost in and not want to find your way back. If you watch his show, you know that he has a dreamy quality going on with those eyes. I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think it is safe to make direct eye contact with him. Might go into hottie shock.

The Abs. Um. Day-um, the six pack. Honestly, the man has the body of a Greek god. With all of the physical preparation and the black belt in karate, it’s no wonder.

Confidence. Although he wasn’t always totally hot, there is a certain self-confident quality about him without cresting that point of being completely stuck on himself.

The Tag Line is even sexy. “Are you ready?” Oh honey, am I.

I’ve decided after my boob job and the bleach, I’d like to have Criss Angel delivered to my door with a big red bow on his forehead. Better yet, he lives in Vegas; deliver me to him by same day service.

     The arrival of warmer weather means many things to many different people.  No more snow.  Sunlight.  Trees.  Animals.  Flowers.  The removal of winter garb, in favor of more comfortable clothing, which may or may not reveal an indeterminate amount of flesh.  This is quite notable in the Female variety of our species.

     The fact that the majority of barstools are made of commercial-grade Vinyl can be especially problematic for Females who, due to weather, are beginning to wear shorter skirts.  Their supple skin, when subjected to temparatures above seventy degrees Farenheit and combined with an average body temparature of 98.6 Degrees, may experience a temporary chemical bond with said Vinyl.

     I would ask readers to please be aware of this issue.  Females should especially take note that a slightly longer skirt may decrease the risk of Vinyl-to-epidermal bonds.

     Men should not laugh as bonded barstools fall towards their Female counterparts.  Instead, Men should assist, ever-so-slightly, by putting their feet on the back of said barstools in order to assist the pulling of supple, Female skin from said commercial-grade Vinyl.

     Men should also pay close attention to the problem of vacuum-lock, which may occur between the Female thighs and a standard, commercial-grade barstool.  This problem may present itself with Females who are overly sexually active, or those who have very recently or chronically engaged in sexual intercourse.  These Females should generally be avoided at all costs.
     However, under certain, very specific specific circumstances, this may also be caused by a spontaneous reaction due to a Female’s interest in a chosen Male, although this behavior is considered to be especially rare in establishments which serve alcoholic beverages.

     This has been a Public Service Announcement.

If women like to be beautiful and men like women to be beautiful, then  why in the world is vanity so expensive?  If everyone wants to appear elegant, good-looking and lets not forget… fashionable, why do we as a culture have to dish out so much of our hard earned cash, effort and time? 

Do we do it for a lack of entertainment?  That can’t be it since we live in a world of cable television, high-speed internet access and Macintosh computers.

Just a few days ago I was in store especially devoted to vanity with my lady friend and the total at the register came to over $100.00.  For Pete’s sake, there are starving children worldwide. Why in the heck does it cost so much to have mud and plants to cover yourself in?

We may never know, but at least I will stand against this price gouging. I vow personally not to wear any makeup, not buy a pair of pants that cost over $30.00, nor purchase a cell phone, which costs over $40.00 with the service plan. 

Now if I just do this and walk into a crowd of people, they may look at me and think “he’s freakin’ crazy.”  If two people do this and walk into a crowd of people they may think “they’re damn dirty hippies.”  But if three people, three people do it, then they’ll know it’s a movement. 

That’s what it is friends: the Zacque-a-roo Anti-Vanity Movement.  One more time, yah know, there’s over a hundred thousand of you out there.  I mean you gotta sing loud if you wanna stop war and stuff… 

On the road this weekend I found another great vacation spot:

Gnaw Bone, Indiana. Near French Lick.

Okay. By now, we all know I am a big mouth girl, with an even bigger personality and a colossus opinion about most everything. So, it seems that lately, I’ve had plenty of time to sit back, watch and listen. And some of the things I have heard recently make me want to say, “Um. What?!?!?! Get a grip, you ditz!” This is merely one of them.

***You don’t like me because I’m fat, huh?***

During a discussion about male/female carrying ons, a male friend of mine, Spike*, told me that some girl had said this one to him because he wasn’t paying her the attention she felt like she deserved or wanted.

Oh, please, honey!

Will somebody please explain to me how women figure that if a man is not paying attention to them, or not “liking” them, or not fawning over them, then it’s surely because of that big ass attached to their backside???

First off, I wonder if she ever stopped to think, if a brother isn’t giving her skins, that maybe it’s not her fat butt… maybe it’s the beautiful personality that she displays constantly… You know, the personality that rivals Peyton Manning’s dripping wet sweat sock midway through the 4th quarter of the Superbowl?

B- What man is going to want you when you are oozing ickee-ness all over the bar, grocery store, or library by hitting on and trying to make out with anything and everything with a penis? Seriously, if I was a dude, and I saw a girl (any girl) hitting on one guy, getting the boot, then hitting on the next guy, getting the boot, then hitting on the next guy, getting the boot… I’m not so sure I’d be into her either. That’s just icky.

Thirdly and lastly (as if I don’t wrap it up here, I may keep going on and on)- Diva isn’t exactly a petite, Barbie doll sized girl of perfection.  Now Diva knows that, although men do dig up on the arm candy, they also love women who will laugh with them, talk to them and have a great time doing whatever it is they are doing. Diva does not, nor has she ever, suffered from lack of attention from the opposite sex. Because regardless of the size of her blue jeans, Diva has no lack of esteem.

Why?

It’s a little thing called self-confidence, sister. You might try looking that one up and studying on it for a minute.

Yup, yup. You don’t dig me because I’m fat…..That’s one of the lamest things I think I’ve ever heard.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent AND the guilty.

     Ok, language, sexual situations, and generally disgusting…

     But uhh … yeah …

     This is exactly why Internet Dating sucks.

     Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words…

     And in case see it and think, “No way! Someone’s been messing with the sign!” the Spanish Translation on the other side would prove otherwise…

     Sometimes modern translations can be a little … ummm … too modern.  ;-)  Before anyone drives to Memphis to rip Pastor Whalum a new donkey-hole,  check out this bit from the KJV:

Mat 21:1 And when they drew nigh unto Jerusalem, and were come to Bethphage, unto the mount of Olives, then sent Jesus two disciples,

Mat 21:2 Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me.

     See?  It was innocent afterall … but good for a laugh, anyway. 

Photo Credit: Chris Davis of the Memphis Flyer. Good stuff, guys!

     Ok, is this “pussy” thing getting old yet?

     Everyone’s probably seen these sorts of things before, but this one’s an ode to a great site, icanhascheezburger.com, the canonical list of LOLCATS and other animals who are “IN UR COMPUTER STEALIN’ UR INTERNETS!”  It’s also to draw attention to the fact that some asshat decided to steal some of those photos and sell them as Merchandise over on Cafepress… pathetic… good thing they shut him down.

     Anyway … I gotta say it one last time …

     Check out this pussy …

     Yes, I took the photo last year, and just finished messing it up.  So there.  Mine.  Mine!