(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEkxsPKmz_4)
I had work to do today, run a bunch of errands, and do some laundry.
Everywhere I went had the foul odor of baby shit.
It actually gave me a complex.
I checked my shoes and my ass.
It wasn’t me.
Why do parents take their children out like that, for all day shopping sprees, and never have the decency to change a diaper?
Sorry to all you on-the-go mothers out there, but I really don’t feel like smelling your kid’s poop… You had six months to do Holiday shopping (they started it in July this year for fucksakes!) and the rest of us having to put up with your Holiday Poo-Fest is even more rude than having to put up with your Demolition Derby tactics in the parking lot and Shopping Cart Homicide at the checkouts…
You’ve even managed to put me off my hummus…
Of course, I can’t say much about the fathers, either. I’ve never seen so many kids on leashes… Like that’s not going to turn them totally kinky when they hit their mid-40’s….
And what the fuck are you people taking your kids shopping for, anyway? “You can’t have it til Christmas” is considered cruel and unusual punishment in many areas. So for a week before Christmas, they’re bursting with excitement, and know exactly what they’re going to get…
Great, ruin the element of surprise and create severe agitation all at once! They’ll be book-phobic, cheating at video games and popping ritalin like candy before you know it!
Yeah, Happy Fucking Holidays, you bastards!
I need an Xbox 360 Pro. Or Elite. I don’t give a damn. Either one. But not a shitty Arcade.
I need one because I have a marketing idea.
Only thing is, I can’t afford one.
So here’s what I propose…
I’m thinking about selling a Solid 24K Barack Obama Coin on the Internet.
With the following disclaimer:
“* Contents subject to Change during shipping. Recipient experience may differ greatly.”
So who wants to buy one for the low, low price of $299.99?
Okay, so I’m browsing software today, and I see this incredible plugin:
blog, new beginnings, new plugin. My latest plugin, the Wordpress Politically Correct plugin, PC plugin for short, is a fitting plugin for today’s 2.0 bloggers. Turning your blog into something your mother would be proud of has never been easier.
Like it’s name suggests, the PC plugin gets rid of all the non PC language on your blog.
Yep, sure as excrement, it works. I should maybe use something like that on my Contact form, seeing as how so many of those less than intelligent, copulating extremely ill-mannered people keep sending me the most mean-spirited cow excrement I’ve ever had to copulating read.
I don’t know why, but over the past two years, the phrase, “Uhh, that’s gay,” has popped back into my vocabulary. I think it’s probably because my former roomate’s gay daughter said, “Uhh, that’s gay,” every other sentence when she wasn’t screaming, “That f&*$ing c*%$!!!” about, if not at, some other female who she apparently detested to limitless degrees.
But there are degrees of this “gayness.” Some stuff is just gay. Some stuff is really really gay. Other stuff is f$*%ing gay. Still others are really f$*%ing gay. There was even, “Gay like Zacque’s house key.” Then, of course, we had this…
I’m sorry, but MacBooks suck. Most of the people who work on them are friggin’ clueless morons. This is why most MacBooks cannot be fixed.
Of course, it also has to do with the fact that to replace a hard drive, you must completely and thoroughly disassemble the machine. No panel-popping, ease-of-upgrade here — hell, no! It takes a friggin’ degree in Chinese Engineering, no less than five types of screwdriver-type devices, several gin and tonics and unwavering faith in Christ to get the damn things apart.
Upon finally getting the hard drive out, and looking at the carnage, I looked at Zacque.
“Dude…”
“Uhh, dude…”
“That’s gay.”
“F$*% Mac.”
“Yeah… it’s gay…”
(The Henny Youngman constituency in my head asked, ”How gay is it?”)
“…It’s gay like Mac.”
For some time now, that has stood as the be-all, end-all of gayness.
Gay like Mac.
Gay like, “Think Different,” in a world where PC’s are easily fixed most of the time, where a simple screw covers a panel whereby a hard drive can be removed without the limitless drivel and lack of know-how of the “Mac Store.” “Think Different,” where CEO Steve Jobs is such a brazen asshat that he can’t see the forest for the fruit. “Think Different,” where common sense and logic go out the window with Jobs, because despite any manufacturer of PC’s being his actual competition, he vehemently spews vitriol and venom at his “perceived” competition, Microsoft’s Bill Gates. “Think Different,” where your company is so lacking in sales — because you suck at running a business — that you go directly to the US Government and lobby for them to attack your competition due to “anti-competitive practices,” when it’s actually just a ruse for you to position yourself as an anti-competitive bastard. “Think Different,” where you can charge upwards of $350 for a piece-of-shit phone that doesn’t work half the time, might catch on fire, and yet, you’re able to justify the cost and the problems because “Microsoft phones sucks! They’re anti-competitive because they have a bigger market share!”
Yep, “Think Different,” where the iPod is the most popular mp3 player, but the software cuts your PC off at the knees so you’re more inclined to buy a piece of shit MacBook.
“Think Different,” because these days, Macs are more glitz than guts, being pretty much demoted to a seriously underperforming-yet-highly-polished Linux machine, without any error notifications to let you know your machine is actually really f$*%ed up.
“Think Different.” Think mindless sheep. Think Asshat.
The big use I had for the Mac was Photoshop, because it actually works and doesn’t suffer from the Memory Leaks and issues that it does on the PC (although, that’s Adobe’s fault, not Microsoft’s). Well, okay, and Final Cut Pro, too (although, I’m more likely to go for a “real” video editor these days). And this old-ass Hypercard game called “Asylum,” but OS/X won’t run it, and as of System 7.5.1, the damn game ran better under emulation on my PC.
In essence, I like Macs overall, but I see them for what they are. They’re a machine. Apple is a big-business company. Steve Jobs is such a pedantic tool that co-founder Steve Wozniak can’t even get along with him. Apples other ventures are easily comparable to Sony, who put out too much high-priced shit and people buy it because of the name.
Apple is not, however, the socio-political movement which it is touted by the large consensus its blind masses of users. You know, the blind masses who are most always highly liberal, extremely pedantic, ridiculously argumentative and unable to face the fact that by buying into the hype and supporting it zealotously despite major snafus, they’ve become Steve Job’s bitches.
That mentality… That’s the final level of Gay… so Gay it needs Special Rights.
Yesterday, three quarters of Microsoft’s MSN & Live services were up and down for around twelve hours. There was no news about the incident.
Tonight, Twitter has had intermittent connectivity, also with no news.
The Truth Laid Bear, a well-past-its-expiry-date blog ranking site, has had numerous issues for some time with no apparent plans to fix anything:
Access denied for user 'nzbear_ttlb'@'63.247.140.96' to database 'nzbear_repdb'
The outage that seems to be causing the most blatant angst for users, however, has occurred on MySpace, where their Applications platform, MySpace Apps, has been down for two days. While MySpace has left over two hundred million users unable to use the Applications platform with little explanation as to why, users have taken to posting bulletins with everything from conspiracy theories to all out rage against the ad-driven site.
The vast majority of MySpace applications are immensely simple, session-based games, most of which are based off of a much more simplified model of the archaic Solar Realms Elite-style BBS games of the early 1980’s. However, the outrage at being denied the privilege to play these games is very real. Some users have reported that a Lawsuit against MySpace has closed the applications. Others have conjectured that it is due to rampant cheating on a points-for-cash system which doesn’t exist. Some have found more sinister motives, claiming that MySpace’s creator, Tom Anderson, is pulling a coup d’etat against its media mogul owner, Rupert Murdoch.
Still others blame the spirit of a deceased Tom Anderson as he posts bulletins from the grave, lame-duck President George W. Bush, Lucky the Dog, and an illegal alien named Urinous Hatte, who claims to be from an extra-solar planet in the vicinity of Beta Orionis.
I would like to address these particular MySpace users directly:
While MySpace upgrades their OpenSocial platform to v0.8, this leaves many of you with a great deal of free time. However, this outage has a silver lining. This is time that could better spent dealing with emotional trauma, finding girl/boyfriends, educating yourselves, raising your children correctly, or any number of other worthwhile objectives which may actually prove that you can do something for your own, or the greater, good.
In other words:
Please remove your heads from your asses and get out from in front of the damn computer.
Thank you, drive through…
What’s more damaging: a couple of asshats who doesn’t pay you, or someone attacking your reputation?
Today I had two asshats who didn’t pay me. One of them was just being a typical asshat, with the same old boring excuses for being a deadbeat. The other came up with an elaborate story about how they installed incompatible software four days after I was in the system, but because it broke the other software and they didn’t bother to notify me that it was broken, and there was nothing in the logs about it being broken, that I owed them a two hour fix for free with no explanation of the situation before I went into fixing it other than, “It’s broke.”
No, see, that stuff doesn’t bother me… I’m used to it, as pissed as it makes me.
It was a third one that really stuck in my craw because it’s unfathomable:
“He ran across your site and you had some stuff on there that made it sound like you were racist… said he wouldn’t give you a penny for a day’s work.”
WTF? Exqueeze me?
No, seriously, that’s what kept me so worked up when I lived in Kentucky those three months… I couldn’t go five minutes without some asshat making up total horse pucky, and attempting to circumvent every single good thing I tried to do. Everything became a damn conspiracy, and I was behind every bit of it!
So I pressed about HTF he could come up with I’m sounding “like a racist” …
“Well damn I voted wrong” … like it is some sexual reference to Kenyan women
O. M. F. G.
So somebody claims I’m a racist, goes the extra mile to say they wouldn’t give me “a penny for a day’s work” because they’re too ignorant to know a couple of premium, dark coffee beans, instead turning it into something that even an overly-sensitive, extremely jealous girlfriend — or ex-girlfriend, wife, stalker, nutjob next door — couldn’t twist it into if she tried?
Wow.
Let’s just say, just to even attempt to make any logic out of such a ridiculous assertion, that even if it had been a “sexual reference to Kenyan women,” how the Hell could that possibly make me a racist?
Unless he’s totally against racial mixing… thus making him…
A white trash cracker!
Oh, and there’s a meal I detest: a venison round steak (medium well), canned corn and canned green beans.
Apparently, that makes me a racist, too.
[ he says, as he laughs his way to the kitchen for seconds of injera, gored-gored and quince ]
Lest we forget as we enter the fray of our Brave New World:
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled
was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
— Charles Baudelaire, “The Generous Gambler”
Sometimes, you read something that slants reality ever-so-slightly.
It’s a well-laid-out Conspiracy which didn’t do a damn thing for me. It’s a theme we’re all to familiar with, anyway:
Liberals accuse Conservatives of “One World Government” while surreptitiously kicking the legs out from under their own argument with their own objectives. Republicans then attempt to “fix” the situation, all the why claiming that it happened due to a lack of foresight, while kicking the legs out from under their own argument by passing the first proposal to come along.
They all come together in the middle, and we get screwed in the process. No big friggin’ news there.
Actually, the blog did get me thinking.
But it wasn’t the Conspiracy theory…
Instead, it was this statement by Dwight Eisenhower that struck me:
In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.
“Knowlegeable citizenry,” schmitizenry…
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
— George Wald
For years, we’ve observed that peoples’ attentions spans are short, and their memories even shorter. A perfect example of this is in the Obama campaign’s vicious attacks against Hillary Clinton, inciting mass hysteria over Sexism, and yet, when she dropped from the race, people forgot… and began blaming Republicans for said sexism, despite the confessions of so many prominent Democrats that it was them all along.
The afforementioned blog was also haven to a quote suitable for a “Duh of the Day” award. In reference to Obama making promises he has no intention of keeping, and in stark contrast to “knowlegeable citizenry,” someone replied:
No way he’ll bite the hand that feeds.
I would counter with this, further showing that our memory has been disrupted for a good century and a half:
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
— Abraham Lincoln
“Honest Abe” fooled a Hell of a lot of people, promising during his campaign and subsequent inauguration that it wasn’t his job to outlaw slavery, nor would he, as it was the right of each and free man to draw their own conclusions. It was those statements that got him elected, but what did he do afterwards?
Yes… He bit that hand pretty hard.
Regardless of The Emancipation Proclamation’s forward-thinking and status as a defining document in our Nation’s history, the very nature of its passage is still a matter of great debate and conjecture. There are many people, both black and white, who consider that our History books are incorrect, claiming that the Proclamation was nothing more than a political ploy designed to disable the ability of the Confederacy to operate autonomously.
To a very large degree, it worked. However, it was also the reason for Lincoln’s untimely demise, thus proving his own theory to be correct… You can’t fool all of the people all of the time.
Back to the point, please show me a Politician who doesn’t bite the hand that feeds…
Everyone knows that you can tell when Politicians are lying because their lips are moving.
I almost said, “his lips,” but I didn’t want to come off as “sexist.” *smirk*
I died laughing when I read this…
…however, it bears a disturbing similarity to the way some Customers have tried to get out of paying me the money that they rightfully owe me for services I’ve rendered.
With that kind of asshattery, is it any wonder I get anti-social sometimes?
Tip: Drew at quoted4truth.com, by way of Doobla.
If only I’d read this before voting…
(http://jonswift.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-mccain-will-win.html)
I mean, damn, I got a stiffy just thinking about it…
No, not her, you dolt… Coffee… Oh, man, some fine, smooth Kenyan or an Ethiopian Harrar…
Oh, god, it’s been soooo long…
So all of you on the west coast?
VOTE FOR COFFEE!!!!!
