Whenever I think, “I have no heart,” something always comes along to prove to me that I do.

     My immediate thought is always to be skeptical of Internet Chain Letters and such, but with this one, I dug a little deeper and found that it’s totaly legitimate…

Why the one million friends challenge? I get asked the questions, Why 1 million friends? What will it achieve? on a regular basis. So I thought I would try to explain. James and I used to come onto myspace to listen to music and look at the videos just before he was diagnosed and added a few friends.

When James was diagnosed and we came to terms with the fact that his cancer and its treatment was going to take over our lives we needed a distraction and the “James and Daddy” page was born. I asked James if he thought we could get one hundred friends and then one thousand and the ten thousand. When we reached ten thousand friends I asked James to set the next target. James said ONE MILLION.

We will gain nothing financially from this page but have gained friendship from people around the world and we have shared our story with you all and in return shared your stories. This page has helped us as a family deal with the tough times and share the good times. Now as a father I feel I have to achieve this challenge as I made a vow to James the day after he was born that I would never let him down and I would only make him a promise if I could keep it.

So there you have it, the reason for the challenge and why I need you to help me get more friends. We have tried the celebrity route with minor success so all we can do is keep sending out the bulletins and searching out the profiles that have loads of friends and big hearts.

     I mentioned a while back, I can’t have kids… Rather, not healthy ones, anyway… I always say I found my peace with all of that a long time ago.
     But then again, maybe that’s why stuff like this tears me up so bad… Like it did with Ambriel… Like it does with someone else even closer who went through a bout of it herself (I love you, baby girl, I miss you, and I’m proud of you).

     There’s the futility factor, wishing I could do something to make it better, and I can’t…

     And then, of course, I see their faces they’re smiling right through it most days.

     That…

     …is one of the few things that I glean hope from.

     And I know damn well that despite everything else, those kids are toughter than I will ever be.

     If you’ve got MySpace, be sure and add him as a friend.  Spread the word.  Make a donation.

     http://www.myspace.com/bizwiz68

     I never expected this… I prayed for it… every day… for years… moreso over the last several months…

     You can say, “Nothing else matters,” and believe it, but when it comes right down to it, some things do.  And yet… Nothing else matters.

     We’ve made our choices… Some bad, some good…  Sometimes you have to think how much it’s worth… what’s the price you’ll pay… what have you done… what have they done… how much can you both overcome?

     But when you come to same conclusion over and over, you have to ask… Like she did…

Anyone have any objections to me changing my name to Ann Steel?

Seriously… Any objections?

     …and hope for the best.

     I already vowed my life as her husband, she as my wife.  We’ve both messed up a lot.

     But I love her.

     And I hope beyond hope that that date sticks and we have the chance to show each other the promises we’ve made and make good on the ones we’ve broken.

     I’ve had a lot of time to think the last couple days, and realized… if I can’t follow my heart with her, then I might never have had one to begin with.  The Devil’s in the details, and I don’t feel like going into them.  We both deserve better than what we’ve been dishing out to each other.

     All I can say is, the love I have for this woman, and the family she gave me, is unconditional.

     Whatever it takes, it takes.

     It might bother a lot of people to know, but I’d rather be broke and living under a bridge with her than have everything in the world I need without her.

     And that’s the plain, damn sober truth.

     Number One…

     I know what I was doing last year, and we’d still be doing it if people would leave us alone.

     Number Two…

     Some things are more important than others.  And I will righteously defend that.

     Number Three…

     I don’t take kindly to threats.  Bring it on.  While I may get angry from time to time, and even blow up sometimes, I at least have the balls to be a man and talk to a person about it instead of attempting to start crap for no reason.  Or, hey, is there a reason?  I wouldn’t know — because all I get are the threats.

     Number Four…

     Hyden, Kentucky is a soul-stealing hell hole full of people who want to break down everyone else around them and bend them to their will.  And when they can’t do that, they resort to the most vile gossip imaginable, and even attempt to substantiate that gossip by calling the cops over and over, posturing on absolutely nothing, in an attempt to have someone arrested or sued, and thus discredited.  It’s a town full of backstabbing victim-mentality asshats who attempt to use their peers, local law enforcement and courts to get their way because they’re too pathetic to actually face someone and talk out their problems.

     Lastly, Number Five….

     There are a billion reasons why I love my Wildcat, and the family she gave me.  Absolutely nothing has changed that.

     Enough is enough.

     She deserves better.  We both do.

     Prayers, please.

     There was a little doubt cast about how much my Wildcat means to me.  It was said that I don’t mean what I say, that it’s all a cover, some sort of cruel joke.  That I’m actually some sort of lying bastard who’s running around cheating on her, because apparently that’s the way I’ve always been.
     I was dumbfounded that anyone could actually think such utter and baseless garbage, much less say it.  And I wanna clear up any misconceptions once and for all.

     I want everyone to know why I write very public, very personal things about my Wildcat.

     It is because…

     I want the entire world to know how beautiful she is.

     I want the entire world to know how much she means to me.

     I want the entire world to know how much I Love her.

     I want the entire world to know how special she is.

     She’s the only person who’s ever been able to heal me.

     She’s loved me exactly as I needed to be loved. 

     She’s shown me more happiness than I’ve ever known.

     Anyone who knows us has no doubts of that.

     Hell is being without her.

     Never having her again is something I won’t even imagine.

     She is my Angel, my Inspiration, my Strength.

     My Muse:

unworthy of your presence
unabated love
what you give me
is what god is made of

     She’s been more a wife to me than the one I was married to.

     The family that we have together is more my family than the one I was born into.

     Anyone who tries to get between will be shut out, because she means more to me than anything else in this world.  All the, “Sometimes love isn’t enough,” “Your happiness should not depend on anyone else,” and other such drivel — all from people who don’t know us, together — will be wasted.
     The fact is, she is my best friend, and there is no one more important in my life than her.  I have, and will, cast anyone else aside in favor of her, and I don’t give a damn how long I’ve known them.

     That’s just the way it is.

Lighthouse Family: Question of Faith

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_YSmSVcv7c)

Lighthouse Family: Happy

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YubwXXYcTvs)

     I would challenge anyone else to love each other as wholly and passionately as we love each other.

     I love her.  She makes me happy.

     And that is all that matters.

Nine Inch Nails: The Fragile

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPv3oi-yWO0)

Nine Inch Nails: We’re in this Together

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1Zulx4mjHk)

     One year ago today, this time to the minute, she came and sat down on the bench next to me.  “Are you okay?” she asked.
     “Nervous,” I responded.  I was shaky, worn out from the prior week, and hadn’t slept a wink.
     “Me, too,” she said.  “Let me see your eyes.”
     I looked over my sunglasses.  “Let me see yours.”
     We peered into each others’ souls.

     And that was what began the most terrifying, enlightening and wonderful journey I’ve ever taken.

Rascal Flatts: Here

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saXYgBRas9Y)

     Happy Anniversary, baby.  I love you.

     Several friends have said something similar …

You have to make choices to make YOUR life a happier place
If she wants to join in and bring even more happiness in then great.
But her destructive shit has to stop.
It’s destroying you, my friend.
And that’s all I have to say.

     Problem is … like I told him … I don’t care …

     Some things are worth holding onto.  I met one.  And that’s what I’m gonna do.  Period.  The end.

     And I’d lose friends over this one.  So, fuck ya’ll.

     And if she’d heard that Journey song right after …

     Wow.

     Now, even YouTube hates me … Just click the links under the videos.

Dido: Thank You

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1CjbcqhGyU)

Colby Caillat: Bubbly

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PWfB4lurT4)

     Miss you, baby.

     So I’m sitting around reading some of the poetic works of Edgar Allen Poe, and what should pop up?  Just an excerpt from the 1849 poem, “For Annie“:

  She tenderly kissed me,
    She fondly caressed,
  And then I fell gently
    To sleep on her breast–
  Deeply to sleep
    From the heaven of her breast.
  When the light was extinguished,
    She covered me warm,
  And she prayed to the angels
    To keep me from harm–
  To the queen of the angels
    To shield me from harm.
  And I lie so composedly,
    Now in my bed
  (Knowing her love)
    That you fancy me dead–
  And I rest so contentedly,
    Now in my bed,
  (With her love at my breast)
    That you fancy me dead–
  That you shudder to look at me.
    Thinking me dead.
  But my heart it is brighter
    Than all of the many
  Stars in the sky,
    For it sparkles with Annie–
  It glows with the light
    Of the love of my Annie–
  With the thought of the light
    Of the eyes of my Annie.

     Longing … waiting … Clearly, it can drive you mad.

     I miss my Wildcat.

Keith Anderson: I Still Miss You

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlEsRtKR-mk)

Bill Withers: Ain’t No Sunshine

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIdIqbv7SPo)

Bill Withers: Lovely Day

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DnUxLISFcA)

     Miss you, baby.