Breaking Satire: Israel Pummels Gaza, Obama Pummels English

January 2nd, 2009 at 6:40 pm by Mark
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     Prior to their bombing run in Gaza on New Years Day, Israeli miltary telephoned many residents warning of the impending attacks.  Leaflets dropped in eastern Gaza, sonic missles used as auditory warnings, and soldiers mounting at the borders should have made the attack no surprise.  However, in typical fashion, these warnings were paid no mind, and the resulting devastation has led to a hornet’s nest of anti-Israeli and anti-US sentiment.
     “When you stand in front of a moving train where the conductors are continuously flashing the lights and blowing their steam horns, whose fault is it, really, when you get run over?” asked Sam Kelter, legal and political correspondent at blogitude.com.

     The surgical strike by Israel was largely successful in Gaza, where a militant mosque and more than twenty homes were leveled. homes which reportedly housed Hamas leaders, militants and weapons.  In addition, Hamas militant leader Nizar Rayan, his four wives, and ten of his twelve children were killed, dealing a significant blow to the Hamas power structure in the region.

     Gaza health officials claim more than seventeen hundred are wounded at present.  The United Nations claims that up to twenty-five percent of the dead may be civilians, while Hamas actually verifies that around fifty-percent of its security forces are deceased, along with as many as twenty-five children.  Whether or not these children were in Hamas homes is still unknown.

     The present death toll includes around four hundred people, four thousand sheep, seventy five dogs, twelve monkeys, six geese a-laying, and an unidentified meat puppet which may have been used in a Quiznos commercial.  No cats were injured during the bombing.

     Asked to comment on the situation, upcoming President Barack Obama replied, “Umm, yes, and, umm, I plan, umm, to address, umm, this situation, ummm, when we, ummm, you know, umm, January, ummm, by the end of the, ummm, by tax season.”
     It seems that our only hope of a diplomatic resolution to the situation may be in the verbal skills of future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, whose previous statements regarding the War on Terrorism were, “I will not rule out the nuclear option.”

Mickey Mouse for President!

November 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm by Mark
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     Seems I’m not the only one being assaulted by Internet, Telephone and Snail Mail… This comes to me from Pennsylvania:

Barack Hussein Obama, and croanies… comitting crimes daily such as f$%*ing harassment….. Every 5 minutes yesterday…. f$%* it I unplugged my phone now… because I am being literally harassed by them. I have called the DNC, and other PACs, telling them to stop calling me, and that as far as they know, their harassment, which still continues by the way, has made me decide to vote McCain.

So yeah, I called the popo to file a criminal complaint against Barack Obama ‘08, and teh DNC!!!!

To make my case, I even recorded the calls to the groups, and clearly stated I was recording the call for my records, and that I do not want them to call me, and that further calls would result in my filing a criminal complaint.

So its done, I have reported Barack Hussein Obama’s criminal acts!!!!

     Good luck!

     I’ll bet you can guess who I didn’t vote for today.

     As for those bashing me over and over by Contact Form, mistakenly calling me a McCain supporter, it’s not my fault your Party of Choice put up such a stooge of a candidate.

     The Truth is revealed here:

I CAN’T STAND JOHN MCCAIN!

     So take your Liberal schtick and shove it up your ass so your head has some company, okay?

     I actually did something I’ve never done before…

     I voted NONE OF THE ABOVE!

     I cast my write-in vote: Mickey Mouse for President!

     Know why?

     Because I live in a country where I CAN

     It’s my RIGHT to do so.

     And THAT is what VOTING is all about.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnKmyRrvpnM)

     Do I have voter’s remorse?

     Damn straight I do.

     Because if I’d thought about it, I would’ve put Me as Henry Rollins running mate.

Ahh, So This is Why They Pushed Immigration Reform!

November 3rd, 2008 at 3:49 pm by Mark
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     This stuff is still going through the Supreme Court, being re-filed October 30th, 2008.

     I actually took up for the Obama bastard the other day, saying, “Look, there’s enough crap to go off on without making shit up.  He has a Hawaiian birth certificate, born to American mother, so he’s obviously an American Citizen.” 
     However, there is no Ceritificate of Live Birth from the State of Hawaii.  There are documents provided once he and his mother returned to Hawaii from Kenya, documents which clearly state that he was born in Mombassa, Kenya.

     Not a good thing… And WTF?

     Point:  Yes, his mother was American.

     Counterpoint:  His mother would have had to transfer Citizenship to him, therefore making him a Naturalized citizen — not a natural born citizen, and therefore, he is inelligible to be President of the United States of America.

     Furtherpoint:  He was never naturalized, and provides no proof whatsoever that he is an American Citizen at all.

     Due to a preponderance of evidence, I would further suggest that not only Barack Hussein Obama, but the Democratic National Election Committee, should be held on charges of Immigration Fraud and Election Fraud.

     Now, can we deport his ass, please?

     Thank you, drive through…

Before We Become an ObamaNation…

November 1st, 2008 at 3:03 pm by Mark
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     While all these rumors are circulating, I’m gonna stick with facts, not spin.

     No bullshit.  No rumors.  Just facts.

     While half the country complains about religious, racial and sectarian violence — and even genocide — in Africa and wonders why we don’t do something about it, another part ignores it and says, “That’s just the way things are.”

     But when a formerly peaceful tourist destination — so close to one of our own battlefields — destabilizes and a taliban-style Shariah is signed to force Islam upon its Christian members of the population, enforce dress codes against all woman (including tourists, and not just Muslim women like it was in Afghanistan), and then goes the extra step to kick out international peace keepers and refuse the extradition of terrorists, how would you feel?
     Starts to make one feel a little antsy, doesn’t it?

     And how would you feel about one of our own Presidential candidates having repeatedly endorsed the person — even spoken on his behalf to that country’s masses — who is directly responsible for those actions?

     Does it really depend on your political affiliation as to whether or not you ask this man to address that?

     I sure hope not

     And hey, this is only one thing… How is there possibly any defense for this?

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6eVVVKFHu0)

     Now I know that this video doesn’t show it (those keep being removed), but if, “It’s common for American politicians to be seen with foreign dignitaries!” then why are there plenty of sources, including sources actually in Kenya, who show and tell all about Obama campaigning with Odinga?  Campaigning together for “Change?”  Fully endorsing Odinga to his own people, telling them it’s time for “Change?” 
     That’s exactly what an endorsement is…
    And if, “Odinga is not Muslim!  He’s Anglican!” then why is his signature at the bottom of a three page Memorandum which states that he “recognizes that Islam as the only true religion?”

     My biggest problem with this is the constant spin by Liberals and the Obama Campaign itself — deny, deny, deny, deny — “That rumor was debunked!” — when the evidence and truth are right there that these events did occur, and Odinga’s signature is right there on page three.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1P_P8lBCsE)

     Before you throw out the whole video because Odinga and Obama are not blood relatives (they call everyone “cousin” there), keep in mind that Kenya has issues.  Obama still supported and endorsed the very man who led a failed coup attempt against his own government, the man who headed a violent opposition political party.  This same man promised and proposed Taliban-style Shariah, and signed documents to that effect.

     You can say, “Obama isn’t Muslim!” all you want, and that may well be true.  Nor was his father an Arab, as more recent rumors claim… he was an ethnic Lou from Kenya.  (Actually, to me, both of those things are irrelevant.  For the most part, as I don’t feel that Islam is inherently wrong.  Most of these countries problems are cause by a lack of Seperation of Church and State, and Islam is allowed to be the “supreme law,” and leaders are able to use the religion to control their populations.)
     The bigger point here is that having one of our own political candidates directly involved with in a foreign country’s election process is as inflammatory as it is reprehensible.  You do not see our people hanging around with opposition candidates.  It is not the job of a U.S. Senator to go on the campaign trail with a foreign opposition leader, because that in itself constitutes an American endorsement.

     The questions you have to ask yourself are simple… how can you slam an opposition party for opportunisticly aligning themselves for personal and political gain when your own candidate does the same damn thing?  And how can a U.S. Senator violate the trust of his office by endorsing an opposition candidate, regardless of their political motivations?

     And why does everyone else in the world see that but us?

Note: Memorandum of Understanding provided by the Evangelical Alliance of Kenya.

Obama Thinks We’re All Idiots

October 31st, 2008 at 1:09 pm by Mark
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     Barack Obama thinks we’re all idiots, and if we believe his bullshit, then we are.

     This morning, to the applause of his supporters, I heard both him and Al Gore go on about how he “voted against the war Iraq.”

     How the Hell could Obama have voted against the war in Iraq when he only came into office in 2005?

     And surely Paul Street and I are not the only people who remember that not only did Barack Obama support the war in Iraq, he wasn’t “ruling out the nuclear option” even though we have to “pull out now.”  Pull out now, give up, and nuke the place, huh?

     There’s some great foreign policy…

     And right now, with the WORLD economy in upheaval, foreign policy is just a little more important than our current problems, because a bit of diplomacy and trade might be a damn good way to pull us out of recession and restore the American people’s faith in our dollar…

Stupidest Thing I Heard All Day…

October 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm by Mark
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     Seriously, is it safe to be conservative?

     I mean, last night, standing in the checkout line, an upper-middle-aged woman remarked about “all the books” about the presidential candidates.

     “There are like fifteen for Obama, one for that racist and three for that whore.”

     I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, but not enough she would have noticed. 

     “And I’m voting for Obama, not that stupid whore!” she continued.

     Ummm … I think her logic was faulty …

     Didn’t she mean that she wasn’t going to vote for “that stupid racist?”

     “You’d have a f#$*ing idiot to vote for that bitch!”

     Wow … Well, I actually agreed that you’d have to be an idiot to vote for any “bitch” in this election, considering it’s actually two men running…

     Looks some liberals don’t even know who’s the front runner any more…

     I’m a little confused by all the “Vice President” bashing, anyway.  Back in 1991 and 1995, nobody liked Al Gore, either.  Clinton supporters would always be first to let everyone know, “It’s not like Gore is gonna be President, anyway!  Who cares?”

     So why does Palin matter so much now that the tables are turned?

     One word: asshats.

Asshats of the Day: American Mainstream Media

October 28th, 2008 at 3:48 pm by Mark
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     Neo-Nazi Skinheads Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowert were stupid enough to screw up a perfectly good suicide attempt, but our American Mainstream Media fell for it lock, stock and non-smoking barrel.
     [ Yes, the pun was intended, and kudos if you caught it... ]

     Ya know that gun store those two geniuses were about to rob so they could get the guns to carry out their plan to “die trying” to kill Obama, but instead knew all along they they were actually going to go out in a blaze of glory while wearing white tuxedos and tophats — because they watched Alice in Wonderland using Pink Floyd: The Wall as a soundtrack one too many times when they were stoned?  Or something like that?

     Yeah, well, it didn’t get robbed… because…

     There were dogs

     Can anyone else follow the logic — and take it seriously — where they’re planning a grandiose death as martyrs, but they’re afraid to rob the gun store containing the provisions they need because omfg there are dogs?!?!

     Pure genius.

     So you have to wonder about the intelligence of the Obama Camp and the MSM…

     Come the hell on!

     MSM, get off your lazy butts and investigate!

     Enquiring minds wanna know…

     What kinda dogs were they?!

     They must have been German Shepherds… *cough!*

Suicide Plot Foiled by FBI

October 28th, 2008 at 2:40 am by Mark
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     A few months ago, there were plenty of articles asking, “Is it safe to be Liberal?” because a Unitarian Church got shot up by a nutjob — and member of that same Unitarian Church.

     However, the minute you say you’re Conservative in the least — or point out any common fallacies — the head goes up the ass (that’s what an asshat is) and the ears close on no less than fifty percent of the people around you.  They immediately begin their mind-numbing, chant-like schpiels about how “stupid” GW is (he makes an accidental funny far less than Obama says, “Umm”), about how the war in Iraq is wrong (even though they screamed for ten years, “Save the Kurds!”), how our rights are being taken away every single day (even though the last guy did away with most of them via the 1994 crime bill and line items in many other key bills), how our economy is devastated (while in fact we’re still seeing a stronger stock market and lower inflation than during the Clinton years), and — and here’s the big nasty — that every Republican is a racist (when in fact, most White Supremacist groups are liberal Democrats and card-carrying members of the ACLU).
     And they are zealotous about it…

     Rather, I would ask, “Is it safe to be Conservative these days?”  How could it be, when so many of these people might hang an effigy of a Republican political candidate by a noose?  Or turn into drama queens and call the police on you for voicing your opinion like some people I know
     (I’ll write about that one as soon as court’s over, you have my word!)

     And still, I just can’t figure out why… Why — when two idiot skinheads (Democrats, mind you!), 18 and 20, decide that they’re going to rob a gun store and go out and get themselves killed (their own words!) — is this suddenly turned into an “assination plot against Barack Obama” instead of the suicide mission that they, themselves, expected it to be?

     Thank you, Liberal Media, for yet again going off the deepend and making up stories.  I’ll get to why in a minute…

     These two kids’ so-called plan was to rob a gun store, shoot eighty-eight black men, decapitate eighteen black men, and finally, “die trying” to kill Obama while dressed in White Tuxedos.  Some seriously over-the-top, campy ridiculousness, if you ask me…
     The geniuses were also intelligent enough to chalk Swastikas on their car, for chrissakes. 

     Does the Obama camp really take this suicide plot seriously?

     Well, of course they do…

     Because in the ’90’s when our Republican congressmen were asking for Hate Crime legislation in order to get rid of the growing number of Neo-Nazi Skinheads in our inner cities, they were poo-poo’ed by their Democrat colleagues.  Instead, many of our personal rights to due process and expedience were done away with, and Hate Crime legislation fell by the wayside.
     Thanks to the GW-sponsored Patriot Act — a bipartisan measure, mind you — most of the actions of the White Supremacy asshats fall under the big ol’ guise of “Terrorism” these days.  Kewl!

     But now, Hate Crime legislation is on the table again, and Obama’s all for it.  This little “plot” goes a long way towards validating his cause, too.
     This time, the legislation includes such minor nasties as bitching, complaining and “perceived” threats against pretty much anyone involved in any violent crime.  Let’s say “Joe” is a in a bar, and “Steve” hits Joe.  Joe turns around says, “You stupid friggin’ pollack!” as he hits Steve back.  Steve is from Wisconsin, descended from eastern Europeans, but Joe didn’t know that… So now, Joe’s in danger of going to prison for up to ten years, even in self-defense, because he called Steve a ”pollack.”  Of course, that’s completely up to the discretion of a Washington bureaucrat to make the distinction as to whether or not the State it happened in prosecuted it correctly… And if you asked a Washington bureacrat anything, well… you get the idea.
     It’s a real vote getter, but most people haven’t dug in and taken a look at what these laws actually do… There are already laws for most of this — save taking away peoples’ rights to be scream stupidity during the process — and ear-marking more money and retaining Federal authority to supercede local law enforcement, along with a lot of the other language, makes this some pretty damn problematic legislation.
     And to what end?  What’s the point, besides to get a solid voting base out of a couple of intended target audiences at the inconvenience of everyone else?

     So, hey, get off this “Obama Murder Plot” and let’s call it what it really is:

     Two dumbass kids trying like Hell to get themselves killed.

     “How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?”
     “None… if they bitch loud enough about their right to voice their opinion and that they’re non-violent and don’t have hate in their hearts and the fact that they’re a so-called persecuted race, regardless of facts, the ACLU will do it for them.”
     Pass that Hate Crime legislation, now Skinheads will be protected under codified Law, because if anyone screams, “Screw you, friggin’ Nazi!” while kicking the crap out of the little criminals, they’ll be able to turn that around into a federal crime, too — the “perception” of a Hate Crime Act against the perpetrator of Hate Crimes, in that someone made fun of their supposed German origin.

     Can you say, “Let’s shoot ourselves in the foot!” boys and girls?

     I knew you could…

     I only hope that one of these days, people will wake up and realize that most of the Radicals are on the same side of the fence — they’re just different colors.

     Send them to Guantanamo, dammit!

     That’s what it’s there for!

Barack Obama Drinking Game

October 27th, 2008 at 5:29 pm by Mark
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     I’m sure everyone’s heard about the Rachel Ray drinking game, where you take a drink every time she said “EVOO.”  Friggin’ annoying, that.  Emeril only says “BAM!” once per show, WTF can’t she just say her damn trademark word once, too?
     Well, because those of us who’ve played the game wouldn’t get very lit, now would we?  And we have to be lit to put up with how many times she says it during the show…

     But today, I’ve come with a better one, therefore I propose a new drinking game…

     The Barack Obama drinking game.

     Step one, drink a few beers to get it going, because you’re going to drink some nasty swill.

     Step two, grab your favorite bottle of liquor under $15.

     Step three, find any given broadcast or video of Barack Obama on television, radio, YouTube or whatever.

     The rules are simple: every time Obama says, “Umm,” take a drink.

     The last man standing wins.

     Of course, at the rate he says “Umm,” it should be a short game…

     Here’s a short clip to get you started!

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iivL4c_3pck)

     Abd ify ou passeed out, I win!!!! Im’ the kign ofteh woirld!

Barak Ospama Owes Me Money!

October 13th, 2008 at 2:45 pm by Mark
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     Obama recently went off on McCain for his lack of technical prowess.  Meanwhile, Obama has “his people” set up a blog, a twitter, a MySpace, and bunch of other Web 2.0 garbage that I am 100% certain he has no idea how to use, himself.  And it really ticks me off, because it is then used to harrass and annoy people who don’t want it.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ2I0t_Twk0)

     And this right here is where’s it’s an issue.  Obama keeps going off that McCain is “out of a touch” with technology and living in a world of twenty-there years ago, and yet Obama is out of touch with the very laws he’s being paid to help to shape and mould — and even then, doesn’t show up for work most of the time.

     Federal Statutes have declared that Campaign E-mails soliciting for donations fall under the category of “Commercial E-Mail.”  I have received no less than three of these e-mails per day for the last month — all from Barak Obama.  Despite my having opted out.  Multiple times.  To no avail.

     Here’s the basis of the Federal CAN-SPAM Law:

  • It bans false or misleading header information.
  • It prohibits deceptive subject lines.
  • It requires that your email give recipients an opt-out method.
  • It requires that commercial email be identified as an advertisement and include the sender’s valid physical postal address.

     And it appears that there’s only one of those items the Obama campaign hasn’t broken!

     Oh, and it carries with it fines of up to $11,000 per violation, raking in a conservative estimate of nearly ten million dollars that Barak Obama owes in fines, plus State Recompense and the FTC-Imposed Civil Fees, which means that Barack Obama owes me $45,900.

     So McCain is out of touch with Technology … Obama is out of touch with Law, and the spirit of it.

     Which one’s the bigger sin?

     No way in Hell will I vote for someone who’s as notorious as Sanford “Spamford” Wallace.

     So seriously, Mr. Ospama, stop adding me to MySpace!  Don’t follow me on Twitter!  And first and foremost, quit sending me these damn e-mails!  And get out that check book — I could really use it right now, so I’ll settle for an even $45,000.