I really enjoy reading Doug McCaughan’s “Of Grasshoppers…” blogs over on Reality Me.  I can remember, fifteen-plus years ago, the two of us writing down a lot of things, and it’s good to see that he’s continued to do it.
     For what it’s worth, Doug, thanks.  I’m going get back in the habit…

     This is the first …

     From the beginning of my life, when there was a major decision to be made, there was a small, still voice at the back of my head asking me questions, giving me advice, pointing me in the right direction.  When life looked bleak and the world was in disarray, that voice kept me from losing my grip.
     I used to write down these dialogues, as they were great sources of insight.  Every now and again, I’d go back and read them, and reflect about where I’d ignored direction and deviated from my path into doom and gloom…

     When I was in my mid-20’s, it suddenly stopped.  It coincided with the time I felt I “grew up” and became content with myself.  My life changed drastically then… My attitude changed.  Things mattered less.  Illusions disappeared.  Everything began to fall into place.

     I hadn’t heard that voice in a long time … until about six months ago.  It’s been there, telling me what to look for, things to pay attention to, steering me towards directions and objectives that overwhelm me more and more.
     It’s been pushing me in directions that I’m not used to, which has been extremely difficult given all that’s happened over the last few months.  There’ve been several deaths to deal with … family problems … people to take care of … difficult business decisions … strangers in need … bizarre occurrences and coincidences that have shaken up my beliefs … things popping up from the past … and a surprising, newfound ability to make things right and let it all go …

     But this path that I’ve been on lately has proven more and more difficult, as I’m climbing a hill that seems insurmountable at times.  Just when I’m about to turn back, that small, still voice keeps telling me to steady my course …

     “Why’s it gotta be so fuckin’ hard?!” I’ll scream.

     “Because if it was easy, it wouldn’t mean anything,” it says.