Apparently, Ashwin Khanna, the illustrious “Win $2500 for posting about my blog!“, is well on his way to being labeled “notorious.”

     Ashwin, henceforth known as “Asswin,” is nothing more than an 18-year-old, aspiring scam artist from London who seems to think it’s okay to use bullshit tactics to improve his search engine ranking … much like our last Asshat of the Day recipient, Steve Gallay, who used everyone who participated in a “Win $50!” contest to improve his search engine ranking by posting very little information about a missing child with links to his homepage instead of to an informative artcle.

     What Serr8d said about Gallay applies perfectly to Asswin Khanna, as well:

…he’s definitely a royal flush of an asshat…

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBsQFp6ZKS8)

     Just to let you know, Asswin, you’re only 18 and have an entire life of fraud ahead of you.  Nice to know you’ve started out so well!  I mean, what’s next?  Impossible-to-win footy boards?  A small pawn-and-loan-slash-fencing-operation there in Barnet?  Maybe a few billion e-mails asking for assistance in helping you get the money out of the bank account of a dead relative?
     Seriously, Asshat, what you’ve done is Fraud, plain and simple.  I hope someone takes a whiz in your Shreddies.

Tips: Contest Blogger, My New Hustle, Fracas

     For more info on the subject of this asinine tirade:

A buzz of activity yesterday helped Martin Provencher keep his mind not on what might have happened, but on finding his 9-year-old daughter, Cdrika, who disappeared without a trace eight days ago.

…

Cdrika Provencher is 5 feet tall and weighs 70 pounds. She is white and has curly red hair and brown eyes. Anyone with information about her disappearance should call the SQ at 1-800-659-4264

     Sorry, but I think my solution there is a little more helpful than posting some Asshat’s blog URL…

     Now to focus on the Asshat…

     All day long, Steven has been posting this message to our blog, and everyone else’s blog who was listed on the Google Page Rank 50 Dollar Contest:

I have disregarded any posting on any movies today.Please if anyone has any information on this beautiful redhead little girl call your local police dept.

PLEASE READ THE POST

(Asshat’s URL deleted since he was so polite)

     Four of my friends have send me a message today about the “weird spam” and each time, I’ve told them, “Nah, he seems to be doing it to all of his regular reads…”
     But when the same comment came in the second time, and again went into moderation, I responded to him via e-mail:

To: steven
Date: August 8, 2007 2:47PM 

Steven, I know it’s a PSA, but it’s kinda … well … spamming.  We’ve all heard it all over the news.

Take care,
Mark

    I wasn’t being flippant, but he needs to know that his actions might be ticking people off, eh?

     What I got back instead of an apology, or a plea to go ahead and remove the comment from moderation, was an e-mail from an abusive little asshat with absolutely no manners whatsoever:

From: steven
Date: August 8th, 2007 2:47PM EDT

your an asshole

     I mentioned it to a friend, saying, “Okay… He’s wound a little tight today,” but didn’t bother to respond.
     A few minutes later, got another one…

From: steven
Date: August 8th, 2007 2:53PM

She lives in my province, I thought I would get help from the blogging community.It’s not a psa or spam you ass,it’s called trying to help each other out!!!.obviously you don’t have any children or else you would understand!!!!

GET LOST!!!!

     Thanks for that, Steven.

     Seriously, I couldn’t continue my day without being abused by a random Asshat from Quebec.  Apparently, the problem isn’t only that you’re a repeat-offending spammer, but also that you’re totally lacking in the social graces which tend to be bestowed to most of us who deal with other human beings on a regular basis.

     To summarize:

• You can’t spell “you’re”
• I am an asshole, and an ass (think I needed that newsflash, Mr. Brightspark?)
• Your message was not a Public Service Announcement (PSA)
• Sending the exact same message to every blog attached to a $50 contest is apparently helping us out
• Sending your base URL instead of to an individual post is apparently helping us out, as well
• I don’t have any children
• I should get lost
• Your keyboard apparently has faulty space, shift, one, comma and period keys

     You’re right, Steven… I don’t have any kids because I have a genetic predisposition which results in severe birth defects.  Thanks for reminding me, Asshat.  All those years of therapy undone because you happened to Spam every blogger I know…

     You seem to be suffering from a PEBKAC error.

     Maybe, even, a little I-D-Ten-T.

     Now, Asshat, stop screwing with us and go do something useful … like maybe playing Russian Roulette, or seceding from the Canadian Union or something…

     Minding my own business (putting the last minute touches on a Interworx backup script), when I get another pathetic e-mail, complete with personal attacks:

From: “Michael aka Capt. Howdy”
Date: August 3rd, 2007 7:13PM EDT 

i was interested in [HerNameRemovedToSaveEmbarrassment] but after see that she went out with u i relise how bad her taste in men is. i mean what exactly does athletic mean thses days? and are women really attracted to receding hairlines? and 2 think i used to like older women. i mean you’ve got bi written all over you. your really in touch arnt ya? if i ran into you on the street id make sure to watch my asshole. you kinda look like a craked out tony soprano. well was fun messin with ya, and isnt it a shame u cant do anything abut what i just said. lol chump

     Wow.  The only reason you’d have to “make sure to watch” your “asshole” is because your head’s planted so firmly up it.  What else could you possibly see from that position, besides whatever you didn’t chew up quite well enough the night before?

     It really shows superior bravery — hiding behind a monitor, keyboard and a fake name — spouting off that kind of trash because I happened to go out with someone you were interested in, doesn’t it?  Ever think maybe the reason she didn’t out with you is because you’re a complete and total asshat?

     I lead a public life, “chump.”  I actually go out most nights, I meet women, I speak to them, and sometimes — Ooooh, ahhh!  ;-)  I’m guessing you don’t get the chance often… I mean, it’s kinda hard when you’re sitting at home stroking your keys… *cough*

     And really, asshat … You misspelled “seeing,” “you,” “realize,” “these,” “to,” “aren’t,” “I’d,” “cracked” and “messin’/messing.”  
     Get past the second grade much?
     They usually teach you what SHIFT key is for after the third…

     I do wonder who I‘ve pissed off to deserve all of this…  But hey, I’m on the way out the door, anyway, so who gives a damn, right?  *grin*

     More fuel … Bring it on. 

I haven’t done an Asshat of the Day Award before but given the situation it seems warranted.

At 7:05AM EDT, a Denial of Service attack started from multiple open proxies from across the globe using a brute force password attack against a previously open service. This has been going on for weeks so it’s not a huge surprise that it eventually succeeded. At 7:21AM EDT, our “fan,” known only as “1 hAppY pUppY,” logged into a shell account and edited some critical files.

[ Edit by Mark : WTF?  Pulled out the IP.  See comments! ]

Our brainiac (and I use this term with utmost facetiousness) came from 67.187.xx.xx (Hostname: c-67-187-xx-xx.hsd1.wa.comcast.net, Aliases: c-67-187-xx-xx.hsd1.tx.comcast.net, c-67-187-xx-xx.hsd1.tn.comcast.net).

Thank you, Random, soon-to-be-ex, Comcast Employee.

To try and pass your skill off as a script (”bl0GituD3 d3fAc3R 1.0b5 bY jT”) while making numerous typos is the mark of a true Genius. And leaving the logs, backup files and history was a brilliant move in that we would expect a hacker to cover his tracks. Leaving the “i” instead of changing it to a “1″ in “bl0Gitud3″ was a truly brilliant, personal touch. You went far to look like a dolt that we might underestimate your “mAd sk1LLz.”

No. I can’t even say that with a straight face.

You’re an Asshat.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree are you? You’ve only proven yourself to be a disingenuous coward. A brute-force script shows that you have neither skill nor finesse, and far too much time and personal anger on your hands.

Mark said it best the other day.

Some people need to get lives.They should start by getting off the Internet a few hours a day… The real world can be quite … titillating.

I think it should have read:

“Some people need to get laid.”

Monday Melee

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

I really hate when coworkers taunt one another. Why are some people so incapable of accepting their own faults and weaknesses that they point out every fault and weakness in someone else as a ridiculous attempt to feel superior? I’m the fearless leader who gets to build a team with young’uns like this. Where’s that play pen?

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

Coke adds life. (Would you believe me if I told you I haven’t watched TV, or commercials, in a really long time?) Coke used to add life, before the Moral Majority got ahold of the recipe. Now all Coke adds are big hips, zits, and tooth decay.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

Cat hair notwithstanding, I really hate being confused over the appropriate use of the ‘b’ word versus the ‘c’ word, like there is anything appropriate about either word. Big thanks to Mark and Zacque for clearing that one up for me.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

The Shakespearean Insulter… dis ‘em with style.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

I don’t have a ’special purpose,’ but I am bright enough to consult Freud’s library and learn to deal with the envy.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

I wish for a hammock under a thatched roof, a Calypso band, and a plentiful supply of Goombay Smash.

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.

     The Klacster, aka Klacster, klac, klac24 & 37042gentlemen (and maybe even bowhite) is a right royal pain in the ass who inhabits several Internet chat rooms. He changes his name like most people change their underwear, first asking, “WHO IS THIS KLACSTER!” (punctuation errors abound) but later revealing himself by quoting: “I AM THE KLACSTER!”

     He appears to be lacking in most of the social graces bewstowed upon the majority of humans, resulting in an amalgam of control issues and low self-esteem.
     Having been bullied most of his life, he takes great pleasure in attempting to debase and upset others, thus feeding his need for power and helping to raise his self-esteem to a level that enables him to leave the house without urinating on himself.
     Considering these issues, his psychological composite largely resembles that of Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb, the notorious serial murderer from The Silence of the Lambs: a large, effeminate male who wrestles with his own sexuality.

Common Behavior

     Unfortunately, The Klacster comes on with all of the subtlety of a masturbating rhinoceros. Instead of saying, “Hello, ladies. Would anyone like to meet?” he alienates himself by using any of the following phrases:

• ANY BITCHES IN CLARKSVILLE WANT TO F@$K? - (Probably not…)
• ANY SKANKS IN CLARKSVILLE? - (I doubt it…)

     It is, therfore, no wonder the poor boy is unable to get laid.

Remedies

     Aside from the usual remedies of reporting him to the chat host, the majority of his behavior can be made impotent by using your “Ignore” button. For some of us, this is too easy, and disallows us from poking fun at him. The longer some of us put up with him, the more ammunition he gives us to report to the Chat Moderators with gems like:

• F@$K YOU ALL! - (And all the pussy says…)
• I F@$KED YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! - (Yes, he’s really sick…)

Other Famous KLACs

     Not to be confused with this idiot:

• KLAC Radio (570AM), Burbank, CA
• KLA-Tencor Corp.
• Knox Little Athletics Centre, Victoria, Australia
• I can’t read Korean
• I can’t read Hungarian, either

     Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!