I woke at 4AM this morning for about three hours, did some work, and then fell back asleep until a few minutes ago, starving.  Having not slept in so long, I’m not used to dreaming anymore.
     I had the strangest dreams…

     I can usually tell when I’m dreaming, and have control.  Other times, they’re vivid and real, visions that I can’t shake off the next day.  They mean something, and whether on their own or by my interpretation of them, they come to pass.

     One dream seemed to happen over several courses, continuing every time I’d wake up and fall back asleep.  I was flying like a bird, enjoying myself, feeling the wind on my face, pockets of hot and cold.  I went east, across the ocean to the Mediterranean, further over the middle east, across India, and plunged into the water.  I swam up the Krishna River, where I finally came to a small village where people beckoned from the shore.  They offered food and water, and asked that I go to their temple.
     Inside, I sat center floor in the large room, a floor made a large, uneven, squares stones which were as cold as they were uncomfortable. I waited.
     “Not all things are as they seem,” said a voice, as a mysterious apparition appeared before me. He was a small man, with blue-grey skin, four arms, and the head of an elephant.
     “Vishnu?” I thought. In Hindu, Vishnu is the representation of the Supreme Soul.
     For hours, he disserted poetically about how ignoring Love would only bring failure and misery, how the hand of a good woman can kill a man’s demons and how I, myself, know that fear can motivate people instead of making them so terrified of failure that they won’t try.
     “And here is your journey,” he said, as he touched my forehead…
     …and I awoke, soaking wet with sweat.  It was strange, and too familiar.

     In the next dream, I was like Billy Pilgrim from Slaughterhouse Five, a time traveler of sorts, flipping back and forth and living my life out of sequence.
     I was old, sitting in a front porch rocking chair, my unseen wife in the kitchen, humming music as she cooked.  Next, I was ten years old, aiming my Crossman pellet rifle at the stripes of an arrow, stuck in the ground twenty feet away — I used to do that frequently to improve my marksmanship.  Forward to the morning I realized the foreign news wasn’t reporting 9/11, my shock and awe in watching it all.  Forward, I was older, in the hospital, have my knee replaced.  Backwards, watching two men lead a burro to drink from Lake Titicaca.  Backwards again to the trailer I lived in until I was three years old…
     On and on, it went for what seemed like weeks.

     And so it was more than a little freaky that this morning, I was asked to convert these Sanskrit passages into UTF-8 so that they could be embedded as text layer into an image.  I found him an easier way:

यत्र नार्यस्तु पूज्यंते रमंते तत्र देवता:।
यत्र तास्तु न पूज्यंते तत्र सर्वाफलक्रिया:॥

Where women are worshipped, goddesses dwell
Where they are not worshipped, all actions are fruitless

विषादप्यमृतं ग्राह्यं अमेध्यादपि काञ्चनम्:।
अमित्रादपि सद्वृत्तं स्त्रीरत्नं दुष्कुलादपि:॥

The elixir of life is to be accepted even if poison
A piece of gold is to be accepted even from impure
Good conduct is to be learned even from an enemy
and a good lady is to be accepted even from a bad community

गते शोको न कर्तव्यो भविष्यं नैव चिंतयेत्:।
वर्तमानेन कालेन वर्तयंति विचक्षणा:॥

One should not regret the past
One should not worry about the future
Wise men act in the present time

     Dreams can be powerful.

     And when reality mimicks the dream, even moreso…

     Whenever I think, “I have no heart,” something always comes along to prove to me that I do.

     My immediate thought is always to be skeptical of Internet Chain Letters and such, but with this one, I dug a little deeper and found that it’s totaly legitimate…

Why the one million friends challenge? I get asked the questions, Why 1 million friends? What will it achieve? on a regular basis. So I thought I would try to explain. James and I used to come onto myspace to listen to music and look at the videos just before he was diagnosed and added a few friends.

When James was diagnosed and we came to terms with the fact that his cancer and its treatment was going to take over our lives we needed a distraction and the “James and Daddy” page was born. I asked James if he thought we could get one hundred friends and then one thousand and the ten thousand. When we reached ten thousand friends I asked James to set the next target. James said ONE MILLION.

We will gain nothing financially from this page but have gained friendship from people around the world and we have shared our story with you all and in return shared your stories. This page has helped us as a family deal with the tough times and share the good times. Now as a father I feel I have to achieve this challenge as I made a vow to James the day after he was born that I would never let him down and I would only make him a promise if I could keep it.

So there you have it, the reason for the challenge and why I need you to help me get more friends. We have tried the celebrity route with minor success so all we can do is keep sending out the bulletins and searching out the profiles that have loads of friends and big hearts.

     I mentioned a while back, I can’t have kids… Rather, not healthy ones, anyway… I always say I found my peace with all of that a long time ago.
     But then again, maybe that’s why stuff like this tears me up so bad… Like it did with Ambriel… Like it does with someone else even closer who went through a bout of it herself (I love you, baby girl, I miss you, and I’m proud of you).

     There’s the futility factor, wishing I could do something to make it better, and I can’t…

     And then, of course, I see their faces they’re smiling right through it most days.

     That…

     …is one of the few things that I glean hope from.

     And I know damn well that despite everything else, those kids are toughter than I will ever be.

     If you’ve got MySpace, be sure and add him as a friend.  Spread the word.  Make a donation.

     http://www.myspace.com/bizwiz68

     You certainly can’t make anyone happy, but you can try and be there when they need you.  Depending on how much you care about them, you may even do it when it’s detrimental to yourself.  At some point, people around you may tell you how unhealthy that is.
     But the bigger sin to me is to ignore their pleas for help, to come to a point where you have no intention of trying when you’ve made your vows to a person, for better or for worse, in sickness and health.

     Extraordinary things can happen…

     Yet sometimes, it might take every iota of Faith that you have.

     And just when you feel like you’re out, you find a little more…

      “I’ll bet in High School, they voted you ‘Most Likely to Die Laughing…’”
      “Yeah, you just didn’t know they meant AT YOU, eh?”

     I’m gonna take Fracas’ queue here … I hate all this damned negativity.  Negativity SUCKS!    And besides, it’s just not like me to be this wound up.  Thpft!  Hyper, laughing, twisted, yeah… *snicker*

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate adore.

The outpouring of love for the daughter of a friend really goes to show ya how supportive people can be.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus true, honest and good.

Acquaintances comes and go, but true friendship is forever.  My friends … they are my family.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

I’m really happy with the way my weekend turned out given a horrible beginning.  Hanging with friends and making new ones is always a good thing.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

Check out this blog post… That’s the true meaning of a “devoted mother.”

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

No matter what happens, I’ll get through it.  I’m a tough little bastard like that.  And when other people need me, I’m right there with ‘em.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

Even when my give-a-damn factor is bottomed out, where circumstances are completely beyond my control, sometimes I wish there was something I could do to help.  Like now … I wish I could wave my hand and go, “All that stuff your going through?  It’s over.  It never happened.  Neat, eh?”  Unfortunately, cancer just isn’t one of those things.

Instead, you do what you can in your own way.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.

SLOTH.

I went into sloth-remission last year and got into excellent shape.  I lost more than 70 pounds.  I was wearing slutty tight jeans and looking pretty good in them.  I had enough self confidence that I even scared me a time or three.  I was attracting ample attention from the opposite sex.  I wasn’t the fat Pirate anymore.  I blended in well with the other girlies.  I was becoming a certified hottie patoddie. 

Then…  around turkey day… I lost my motivation or ate way to much turkey with dressing and punkin pie or something.  I started eating everything in sight that even looked like it had a carb attached to it.  I quit going to the gym like I was.  My butt went from being touchably firm back to jiggly like a bowl of jello.  Of course, poured into the jeans, nobody could tell.  But I could tell.

I’m still down several sizes from where I started.  Thank God, because I gave all of my fat clothes away and bought new.  They just don’t fit as comfortably as they did.  I find myself having to hold my breath… ALOT! Didn’t take long before I started to get more and more miserable. 

Now here it is summer.  The season I spent the whole of last fall dreaming of, only to wake up and realize… I had failed.  I’m not beach worthy.  I’m not bathing suit worthy. 

I honestly do know what the problem with my motivation is and I am actively working on a resolution to it.  I couldn’t beat ’em, so I joined ’em.

I have quit with the Taco Bell, Papa John’s and Booger King.  I have stopped sneaking into the kitchen and scarfing down a couple cookies here, a few chips there.  And most importantly, I’m not just spending ungodly amounts of money on a gym membership. No longer will it just be an expense sucked out of my bank account.  No. 

I have started doing cardio and group exercize classes again.  I have started eating healthy again.  For my health’s sake.

I had forgotten how good I felt when I was working out and eating right.  It wasn’t just the ability to wear skanky clothes.  It’s more internal than that.  I liked the way I felt.   I had energy. I had attitude. 

So, here I go again.  Wish me luck.  I have a wedding dress to fit into in 2 months and 19 days…

Just imagine.  Diva is sitting in a quiet, corner booth at Catscratch Jane’s.  It’s 9:30pm on a Wednesday night.  Diva is occupying this booth solo.   This is surreal, and I started thinking, which is usually not a good thing when beer is involved.

My 1st thought is this:  I am sitting here, alone.  Am I bummed that my friends aren’t here?  Am I feeling as if my friends have deserted me for bigger and better things?  Do I feel like I am being neglected?  Am I getting bitter?  No. No. No. No. And no.

I am actually quite content with my life and the way it’s turning out. I’m glad to see all of my friends are happy, content and satisfied in where the last year has taken them.  I am totally capable of amuzing myself and having fun in the situation I find myself in.

My second thought:  Yes, I miss my friends.  But, we have a lifetime of memories made in the short span of approximately one year.  It’s not often that a group of mis-matched people come together like we did.  Every single one of us had some sort of need that this rowdy, loud bunch was filling.  Why, it was only a year ago that we all magically morphed to Catscratch Jane’s.  And dear Lord, the place wouldn’t be the same for several months.

Then something happened.  We all started to settle down.  Some of us fell in love.  Some of us found satisfaction in our careers… Regardless of what it was, we all started to find what we were looking for in life.

All of this brings me to a minor crash in self-analyzation.  I’m 100% secure to know that, although I’m sitting quietly in a corner watching the goings on around me, we all meant and still mean alot to each other.  In some cases, we’re far apart in our physical being. In some cases, we’re just right down the road.  Regardless, we are still together in soul.  Pirates deep down?  Maybe just a little… that Pirate dwells in each one of us forever.

We are really fortunate to have had the opportunity to build bonds that keep us close enough to have a quick lunch, early dinner, a cold beer, or even just a comment on MySpace.  God bless technology.

I really do love where my life is now.  But I still thank God every day that I’ve been blessed with a bounty of friends ~ near and far~ ~old and new~

Sappy, yes.  But, sometimes even Pirates can be sentimental.

     “After midnight, baby … we’re gonna let it all hang out…”

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

     I hate all the negativity in the world. Seriously, mean, negative people? I hate the bastards. MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! I wish they’d all f&#$ off and die!
  (Yeah, I can’t think of anything I haven’t posted already)

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

     My previous answer to the “Misanthropic” question is definitely bogus.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

     The last three months, on the second of the month, I’ve posted some time-lapse video from a recently discovered artist. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find anything new that really struck me the same way.
     Well, I did run across one guy … But he was such an arrogant prick, I couldn’t bring myself, in good conscience, to post his work.

     I’ll find something, tho … if I have to do it myself.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

     My friend Novia was having a pretty rough time.  She started a business a few months ago, and it’s really great to see her succeeding in that, to see her coming out her funk and enjoying herself for a change.  And even though she’s had a lot more things dumped on her plate lately, she’s getting right through it.
     Cheers, girl.  Inspiration and optimism have put you on your way. 

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

     I remember someone once telling me that I was “too intense.”  I took that as a negative at the time.  But as opportunities have continued themselves, I find that intensity, passion and drive are what push me towards true happiness.
     A lot of people think “risky” is a bad thing, too.  Calculated risks, however, can be very rewarding.  I’m not afraid to take  Leap of Faith on the things that are important, things that actually matter.

     I’m on a damn good road.  And it’ll only get better.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

     Instead of naming something I wish for, I will state two profound truths:

• It’s only make believe when it’s impossible.
• Everything is possible.

     Of the most important things in my life … I have absolutely no doubts.

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.

     Pirates never die.

     I’ll write more on this later.

—–

     [5:34PM]

     Reason I waited?

     A pirate died.

     At 12:22 or so.

—–

     [11:34PM]

     Back on the track.

—–

     [2:21AM]

     We’re always there for each other.