Outage = Outrage

November 16th, 2008 at 4:08 am by Mark Steel
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     Yesterday, three quarters of Microsoft’s MSN & Live services were up and down for around twelve hours.  There was no news about the incident.

     Tonight, Twitter has had intermittent connectivity, also with no news.

     The Truth Laid Bear, a well-past-its-expiry-date blog ranking site, has had numerous issues for some time with no apparent plans to fix anything:

Access denied for user 'nzbear_ttlb'@'63.247.140.96'
to database 'nzbear_repdb'

     The outage that seems to be causing the most blatant angst for users, however, has occurred on MySpace, where their Applications platform, MySpace Apps, has been down for two days.  While MySpace has left over two hundred million users unable to use the Applications platform with little explanation as to why, users have taken to posting bulletins with everything from conspiracy theories to all out rage against the ad-driven site.  

     The vast majority of MySpace applications are immensely simple, session-based games, most of which are based off of a much more simplified model of the archaic Solar Realms Elite-style BBS games of the early 1980’s.  However, the outrage at being denied the privilege to play these games is very real.  Some users have reported that a Lawsuit against MySpace has closed the applications.  Others have conjectured that it is due to rampant cheating on a points-for-cash system which doesn’t exist.  Some have found more sinister motives, claiming that MySpace’s creator, Tom Anderson, is pulling a coup d’etat against its media mogul owner, Rupert Murdoch.

     Still others blame the spirit of a deceased Tom Anderson as he posts bulletins from the grave, lame-duck President George W. Bush, Lucky the Dog, and an illegal alien named Urinous Hatte, who claims to be from an extra-solar planet in the vicinity of Beta Orionis.

     I would like to address these particular MySpace users directly:

     While MySpace upgrades their OpenSocial platform to v0.8, this leaves many of you with a great deal of free time.  However, this outage has a silver lining.  This is time that could better spent dealing with emotional trauma, finding girl/boyfriends, educating yourselves, raising your children correctly, or any number of other worthwhile objectives which may actually prove that you can do something for your own, or the greater, good.

     In other words:

     Please remove your heads from your asses and get out from in front of the damn computer.

     Thank you, drive through…

What Sticks in My Head

November 12th, 2008 at 10:31 pm by Mark Steel
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     What’s more damaging: a couple of asshats who doesn’t pay you, or someone attacking your reputation?

     Today I had two asshats who didn’t pay me.  One of them was just being a typical asshat, with the same old boring excuses for being a deadbeat.  The other came up with an elaborate story about how they installed incompatible software four days after I was in the system, but because it broke the other software and they didn’t bother to notify me that it was broken, and there was nothing in the logs about it being broken, that I owed them a two hour fix for free with no explanation of the situation before I went into fixing it other than, “It’s broke.”

     No, see, that stuff doesn’t bother me… I’m used to it, as pissed as it makes me.

     It was a third one that really stuck in my craw because it’s unfathomable:

“He ran across your site and you had some stuff on there that made it sound like you were racist… said he wouldn’t give you a penny for a day’s work.”

     WTF? Exqueeze me?

     No, seriously, that’s what kept me so worked up when I lived in Kentucky those three months… I couldn’t go five minutes without some asshat making up total horse pucky, and attempting to circumvent every single good thing I tried to do.  Everything became a damn conspiracy, and I was behind every bit of it!
     So I pressed about HTF he could come up with I’m sounding “like a racist” …

Well damn I voted wrong” … like it is some sexual reference to Kenyan women

     O.  M.  F.  G.

     So somebody claims I’m a racist, goes the extra mile to say they wouldn’t give me “a penny for a day’s work” because they’re too ignorant to know a couple of premium, dark coffee beans, instead turning it into something that even an overly-sensitive, extremely jealous girlfriend — or ex-girlfriend, wife, stalker, nutjob next door — couldn’t twist it into if she tried?

     Wow.

     Let’s just say, just to even attempt to make any logic out of such a ridiculous assertion, that even if it had been a “sexual reference to Kenyan women,” how the Hell could that possibly make me a racist?

     Unless he’s totally against racial mixing… thus making him…

     A white trash cracker!

     Oh, and there’s a meal I detest: a venison round steak (medium well), canned corn and canned green beans.

     Apparently, that makes me a racist, too.

     [ he says, as he laughs his way to the kitchen for seconds of injera, gored-gored and quince ]

The Asshat Customer, Illustrated Edition

November 7th, 2008 at 2:22 pm by Mark Steel
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     I died laughing when I read this…

spider

     …however, it bears a disturbing similarity to the way some Customers have tried to get out of paying me the money that they rightfully owe me for services I’ve rendered.

     With that kind of asshattery, is it any wonder I get anti-social sometimes?

Tip: Drew at quoted4truth.com, by way of Doobla.

Well, Damn, I Voted Wrong

November 4th, 2008 at 9:49 pm by Mark Steel
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     If only I’d read this before voting…

     (http://jonswift.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-mccain-will-win.html)

     I mean, damn, I got a stiffy just thinking about it…

     No, not her, you dolt… Coffee… Oh, man, some fine, smooth Kenyan or an Ethiopian Harrar…

     Oh, god, it’s been soooo long…

     So all of you on the west coast?

     VOTE FOR COFFEE!!!!!

Mickey Mouse for President!

November 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm by Mark Steel
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     Seems I’m not the only one being assaulted by Internet, Telephone and Snail Mail… This comes to me from Pennsylvania:

Barack Hussein Obama, and croanies… comitting crimes daily such as f$%*ing harassment….. Every 5 minutes yesterday…. f$%* it I unplugged my phone now… because I am being literally harassed by them. I have called the DNC, and other PACs, telling them to stop calling me, and that as far as they know, their harassment, which still continues by the way, has made me decide to vote McCain.

So yeah, I called the popo to file a criminal complaint against Barack Obama ‘08, and teh DNC!!!!

To make my case, I even recorded the calls to the groups, and clearly stated I was recording the call for my records, and that I do not want them to call me, and that further calls would result in my filing a criminal complaint.

So its done, I have reported Barack Hussein Obama’s criminal acts!!!!

     Good luck!

     I’ll bet you can guess who I didn’t vote for today.

     As for those bashing me over and over by Contact Form, mistakenly calling me a McCain supporter, it’s not my fault your Party of Choice put up such a stooge of a candidate.

     The Truth is revealed here:

I CAN’T STAND JOHN MCCAIN!

     So take your Liberal schtick and shove it up your ass so your head has some company, okay?

     I actually did something I’ve never done before…

     I voted NONE OF THE ABOVE!

     I cast my write-in vote: Mickey Mouse for President!

     Know why?

     Because I live in a country where I CAN

     It’s my RIGHT to do so.

     And THAT is what VOTING is all about.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnKmyRrvpnM)

     Do I have voter’s remorse?

     Damn straight I do.

     Because if I’d thought about it, I would’ve put Me as Henry Rollins running mate.

Stupidest Thing I Heard All Day…

October 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm by Mark Steel
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     Seriously, is it safe to be conservative?

     I mean, last night, standing in the checkout line, an upper-middle-aged woman remarked about “all the books” about the presidential candidates.

     “There are like fifteen for Obama, one for that racist and three for that whore.”

     I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, but not enough she would have noticed. 

     “And I’m voting for Obama, not that stupid whore!” she continued.

     Ummm … I think her logic was faulty …

     Didn’t she mean that she wasn’t going to vote for “that stupid racist?”

     “You’d have a f#$*ing idiot to vote for that bitch!”

     Wow … Well, I actually agreed that you’d have to be an idiot to vote for any “bitch” in this election, considering it’s actually two men running…

     Looks some liberals don’t even know who’s the front runner any more…

     I’m a little confused by all the “Vice President” bashing, anyway.  Back in 1991 and 1995, nobody liked Al Gore, either.  Clinton supporters would always be first to let everyone know, “It’s not like Gore is gonna be President, anyway!  Who cares?”

     So why does Palin matter so much now that the tables are turned?

     One word: asshats.

Asshats of the Day: American Mainstream Media

October 28th, 2008 at 3:48 pm by Mark Steel
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     Neo-Nazi Skinheads Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowert were stupid enough to screw up a perfectly good suicide attempt, but our American Mainstream Media fell for it lock, stock and non-smoking barrel.
     [ Yes, the pun was intended, and kudos if you caught it... ]

     Ya know that gun store those two geniuses were about to rob so they could get the guns to carry out their plan to “die trying” to kill Obama, but instead knew all along they they were actually going to go out in a blaze of glory while wearing white tuxedos and tophats — because they watched Alice in Wonderland using Pink Floyd: The Wall as a soundtrack one too many times when they were stoned?  Or something like that?

     Yeah, well, it didn’t get robbed… because…

     There were dogs

     Can anyone else follow the logic — and take it seriously — where they’re planning a grandiose death as martyrs, but they’re afraid to rob the gun store containing the provisions they need because omfg there are dogs?!?!

     Pure genius.

     So you have to wonder about the intelligence of the Obama Camp and the MSM…

     Come the hell on!

     MSM, get off your lazy butts and investigate!

     Enquiring minds wanna know…

     What kinda dogs were they?!

     They must have been German Shepherds… *cough!*

Suicide Plot Foiled by FBI

October 28th, 2008 at 2:40 am by Mark Steel
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     A few months ago, there were plenty of articles asking, “Is it safe to be Liberal?” because a Unitarian Church got shot up by a nutjob — and member of that same Unitarian Church.

     However, the minute you say you’re Conservative in the least — or point out any common fallacies — the head goes up the ass (that’s what an asshat is) and the ears close on no less than fifty percent of the people around you.  They immediately begin their mind-numbing, chant-like schpiels about how “stupid” GW is (he makes an accidental funny far less than Obama says, “Umm”), about how the war in Iraq is wrong (even though they screamed for ten years, “Save the Kurds!”), how our rights are being taken away every single day (even though the last guy did away with most of them via the 1994 crime bill and line items in many other key bills), how our economy is devastated (while in fact we’re still seeing a stronger stock market and lower inflation than during the Clinton years), and — and here’s the big nasty — that every Republican is a racist (when in fact, most White Supremacist groups are liberal Democrats and card-carrying members of the ACLU).
     And they are zealotous about it…

     Rather, I would ask, “Is it safe to be Conservative these days?”  How could it be, when so many of these people might hang an effigy of a Republican political candidate by a noose?  Or turn into drama queens and call the police on you for voicing your opinion like some people I know
     (I’ll write about that one as soon as court’s over, you have my word!)

     And still, I just can’t figure out why… Why — when two idiot skinheads (Democrats, mind you!), 18 and 20, decide that they’re going to rob a gun store and go out and get themselves killed (their own words!) — is this suddenly turned into an “assination plot against Barack Obama” instead of the suicide mission that they, themselves, expected it to be?

     Thank you, Liberal Media, for yet again going off the deepend and making up stories.  I’ll get to why in a minute…

     These two kids’ so-called plan was to rob a gun store, shoot eighty-eight black men, decapitate eighteen black men, and finally, “die trying” to kill Obama while dressed in White Tuxedos.  Some seriously over-the-top, campy ridiculousness, if you ask me…
     The geniuses were also intelligent enough to chalk Swastikas on their car, for chrissakes. 

     Does the Obama camp really take this suicide plot seriously?

     Well, of course they do…

     Because in the ’90’s when our Republican congressmen were asking for Hate Crime legislation in order to get rid of the growing number of Neo-Nazi Skinheads in our inner cities, they were poo-poo’ed by their Democrat colleagues.  Instead, many of our personal rights to due process and expedience were done away with, and Hate Crime legislation fell by the wayside.
     Thanks to the GW-sponsored Patriot Act — a bipartisan measure, mind you — most of the actions of the White Supremacy asshats fall under the big ol’ guise of “Terrorism” these days.  Kewl!

     But now, Hate Crime legislation is on the table again, and Obama’s all for it.  This little “plot” goes a long way towards validating his cause, too.
     This time, the legislation includes such minor nasties as bitching, complaining and “perceived” threats against pretty much anyone involved in any violent crime.  Let’s say “Joe” is a in a bar, and “Steve” hits Joe.  Joe turns around says, “You stupid friggin’ pollack!” as he hits Steve back.  Steve is from Wisconsin, descended from eastern Europeans, but Joe didn’t know that… So now, Joe’s in danger of going to prison for up to ten years, even in self-defense, because he called Steve a ”pollack.”  Of course, that’s completely up to the discretion of a Washington bureaucrat to make the distinction as to whether or not the State it happened in prosecuted it correctly… And if you asked a Washington bureacrat anything, well… you get the idea.
     It’s a real vote getter, but most people haven’t dug in and taken a look at what these laws actually do… There are already laws for most of this — save taking away peoples’ rights to be scream stupidity during the process — and ear-marking more money and retaining Federal authority to supercede local law enforcement, along with a lot of the other language, makes this some pretty damn problematic legislation.
     And to what end?  What’s the point, besides to get a solid voting base out of a couple of intended target audiences at the inconvenience of everyone else?

     So, hey, get off this “Obama Murder Plot” and let’s call it what it really is:

     Two dumbass kids trying like Hell to get themselves killed.

     “How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?”
     “None… if they bitch loud enough about their right to voice their opinion and that they’re non-violent and don’t have hate in their hearts and the fact that they’re a so-called persecuted race, regardless of facts, the ACLU will do it for them.”
     Pass that Hate Crime legislation, now Skinheads will be protected under codified Law, because if anyone screams, “Screw you, friggin’ Nazi!” while kicking the crap out of the little criminals, they’ll be able to turn that around into a federal crime, too — the “perception” of a Hate Crime Act against the perpetrator of Hate Crimes, in that someone made fun of their supposed German origin.

     Can you say, “Let’s shoot ourselves in the foot!” boys and girls?

     I knew you could…

     I only hope that one of these days, people will wake up and realize that most of the Radicals are on the same side of the fence — they’re just different colors.

     Send them to Guantanamo, dammit!

     That’s what it’s there for!

Barack Obama Drinking Game

October 27th, 2008 at 5:29 pm by Mark Steel
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     I’m sure everyone’s heard about the Rachel Ray drinking game, where you take a drink every time she said “EVOO.”  Friggin’ annoying, that.  Emeril only says “BAM!” once per show, WTF can’t she just say her damn trademark word once, too?
     Well, because those of us who’ve played the game wouldn’t get very lit, now would we?  And we have to be lit to put up with how many times she says it during the show…

     But today, I’ve come with a better one, therefore I propose a new drinking game…

     The Barack Obama drinking game.

     Step one, drink a few beers to get it going, because you’re going to drink some nasty swill.

     Step two, grab your favorite bottle of liquor under $15.

     Step three, find any given broadcast or video of Barack Obama on television, radio, YouTube or whatever.

     The rules are simple: every time Obama says, “Umm,” take a drink.

     The last man standing wins.

     Of course, at the rate he says “Umm,” it should be a short game…

     Here’s a short clip to get you started!

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iivL4c_3pck)

     Abd ify ou passeed out, I win!!!! Im’ the kign ofteh woirld!

I Don’t Smoke Weed, But I’d Buy This Shirt

October 26th, 2008 at 4:20 am by Mark Steel
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     Now, I don’t smoke weed, and this isn’t against our Military personnel…

     But this t-shirt right here I found funny as Hell…

     (Ooh, I’m a poet, and didn’t know it)

     The fact that the image is 420×420 is purely coincidental.

     So’s the fact that’s about 4:20 right now…

     Seriously, I don’t smoke weed.

     I’m allergic.

     Bad.

     Just buy the damn shirt, already.

Image Copyright © 2008 T-Shirt Hell