[ It never happened, but we wanted it to.  Her Mom got sick, people protested, there was drama.  And finally, she started back at her Job on February 4th, and that was the end of that.  On the 3rd, she told me, "No job is worth losing you, Mark."  It was left unfinished... I moved there, and what we have now is a bad end of history... Yet, I still feel exactly the same way. ]

     It’s Friday, January 18th, 2008 at approximately 10:30AM EST … and the Wildcat and I are making our last trip back to Kentucky where I leave her and come back home alone.

     The last six months feel like forever, yet they have gone by so quickly at the same time. 
     Apart, thoughts are consumed with things we’ve done, things we’ll do.  Together, we’re consumed in each other.  When we stumble, we hold on tighter.  When we’re down, we lift each other up.

     Every experience I’ve ever had prepared me for the moment that I met her.  Every bit of agony made me appreciate her that much more.

     On New Years Eve, at thirty seconds to midnight, I stooped on one knee and asked for her hand, the hand that I knew would hold mine for the rest of our lives.  With a resounding “Yes!” and a ring set on her finger, we entered the New Year with a kiss and a promise.

     And now, it’s time that promise was realized.

     I can’t sleep.

     I went fishing Saturday night with Zacque and his Uncle.  I thougt it would be relaxing, but it wasn’t.  All I did was miss my Wildcat so bad I couldn’t stand it.  His Uncle drove, because I was absolutely smashed — lots of alcohol — and I’m so prone to go into crying fits at any given moment.
     Finally, his cousin came and drove Zacque and I back.  I cried the whole way home, wishing my Wildcat had been there.

     I called my Wildcat and left her a message, because I missed her.  I wished she’d been there.  And then this morning, this is the last message I got:

Okay, I played your last message over and over, because I heard a woman in the background and it sounded like she said, “Don’t start”?????????

     And nothing since.

     All I ever do is cry over this woman.  I miss her so bad I can’t stand it.  Everyone know that.  Everyone.  And it worries a lot of people, because I’m not very functional without her.
     I either break down crying or go completely despondent.

     And I can’t sleep.

     And I can’t eat.

     I want her so bad I can’t stand it.

     I need her.

     I don’t want to write any more.  I don’t want to do anything any more.  I don’t want to go to sleep and miss her, and I don’t want to wake up and be without her.  I don’t want to go out, because she’s not at my side.  I can’t keep my head in work.  And everything just feels hopeless as Hell.

     Now, I feel like I’ve lost everything.

     All I’ve done is hurt like Hell for a month.  It’s been a month…

     And it just gets worse.

     People talk.  Some tell me this is unhealthy, that I need to move on, and I tell them to go to Hell.  I can wait.  I will wait.

     When I saw her a week and a half ago, I got down on my knees with her and prayed with her.  I’ve never done that with anyone.  And I meant every word I said.  I take my vows seriously.  And I will walk through every Hell for this woman, with this woman.

     She is the One.  And she’s the only thing I need…

     If everythign else was gone, I’d still need her.

     And so, I keep holding out hope.  I keep praying. 

     She’s the only thing in the world that makes me happy any more.

     I need her like air.

     And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

     I don’t care what it takes.

     Baby, I miss you.  And I want you to know, to know, that I would never do anything to screw that up.  I wear this ring for you.  I miss you so bad I can’t stand it.  I love you more than life itself.

     That’s just the way it is. 

     I’ve already lost everything else, including my mind.

     But I can’t lose you, too.

     There’s a memorable bit from Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities” that springs to mind:

And so exactly was the expression repeated on the fair young face of her who had crept along the wall to a point where she could see him, and where she now stood looking at him, with hands which at first had been only raised in frightened compassion, if not even to keep him off and shut out the sight of him, but which were now extending towards him, trembling with eagerness to lay the spectral face upon her warm young breast, and love it back to life and hope–so exactly was the expression repeated (though in stronger characters) on her fair young face, that it looked as though it had passed like a moving light, from him to her.

     I love my Wildcat.

     And should it be the last of my life, the only thing that I want to remember is her smiling face…. her…. wholly.
     And that will carry me on.

     The gentle rasping of a lovers’ breath in your ear…

     Half asleep, mumbling, “I love you”’s on occassion…

     The little snore she makes and then catches herself…

     Affirmations she makes when she thinks you can’t hear…

     Those are the things I miss.  And last night, I listened to them for hours, albeit by telephone.

     My Wildcat is my world.  She can make or break a day, but I love her regardless.

     Soon, baby.  Soon.

     I had a guy write me a bad check back in January.  He made it good with another bad check.  And another.  Finally, when I got back to Knoxville and could rip him apart for it, he made it good.  With another bad check.
     Today, I followed him to two banks.  I got my money.
     “Don’t ever, ever, call me again,” I told him.
     He gave me an extra hundred.
     “I just want to make amends,” he said in the voicemail.
     Some things, you just can’t undo. 
     In my opinion, I deserve more than a hundred for putting up with his ass for 15 years.

     I’ve been working on cars a lot lately.  Weird stuff. 
     There’re some youngsters who have some pretty good ideas, but they really don’t know anything about cars.  That’s where I come in… and it’s kinda like butting heads sometimes… and since I don’t everything about every car, I do my own bit of screwing up, too…
     But… if we can keep this project on track, man, it could be worth a small fortune.
     Anyone wanna invest in an unknown, really kickass project, lemme know.

     I got a used ‘96 Delco CD player off Ebay.  After installing it, I found that the motor doesn’t spin.  I stuck my original AM/FM/Cassette back in.
     Tonight, I tore it down to the mechanism — after locking my keys in my car and using Jim’s Super Bar and a coat hanger to get ‘em out — and found that, sure enough, the motor is toast.  That sucks.
     Thanks, butthole!  Appreciate ya!

     Today, I went to Catscratch Jane’s for a burger.
     “Mark!  Where’s your Wildcat?” asked Shirley the bartender.
     “Uhhh, in Kentucky,” I replied.
     “Hey, wait a minute,” she said.  “You all are still together, right?”
     “Yeah, it’s just hard right now.  I moved up there, and all Hell broke loose, so I’m back here.”
     “I thought you moved…. Why isn’t she here?  She loves you.”
     “I know, and I love her more than anything in this world.”
     “She needs to get her ass down here!”
     “Yeah… It’s just hard right now.”
     “Didn’t you all get married?”
     “Nah, not yet…”  I didn’t feel like going into those details.
     “Listen, Mark, you two are in love.  A blind person could see that.  The next time you talk to her, you tell her to give old Shirley a call.  We’ll straighten that out.”
     “Will do.”
     I paid for my burger and beer, and left thinking about it.

     I miss you, baby.  I love you.  Maybe you oughtta call Shirley. 

     All I can sit here and do is look at this post-it, and think…

     Neither can I…

     I need my Wildcat now.

     Forever.

     You certainly can’t make anyone happy, but you can try and be there when they need you.  Depending on how much you care about them, you may even do it when it’s detrimental to yourself.  At some point, people around you may tell you how unhealthy that is.
     But the bigger sin to me is to ignore their pleas for help, to come to a point where you have no intention of trying when you’ve made your vows to a person, for better or for worse, in sickness and health.

     Extraordinary things can happen…

     Yet sometimes, it might take every iota of Faith that you have.

     And just when you feel like you’re out, you find a little more…

     I’ve gotten some sporadic e-mails and messages wondering where I’ve been the last couple of weeks.  I’m simply not telling.  The fact is, I needed a change from ridiculous work hours, and really needed to shrug off a lot of the responsibility that’s been bearing down on me.
     Now, there’s no more dealing with bad checks, fraudulent credit cards, delinquent accounts, support phone calls from customers who can’t figure out time zones or other day-to-day craziness of trying to run a business.  The day-to-day harrassment and stress is gone.  Things that weren’t working out are beginning to turn around.  I’ve completed my first week of work, and found that I actually have time for things again.

     Being able to enjoy time away from work and BS and drama is a good thing.  Being able to spend more time with the Wildcat is an even better thing.

     I took a Systems Analyst job at a small-town hospital with several, small satellite clinics.  What I get to do is learn the software that they’re using for digital record keeping in order to help them maximize the use of it so that they know pretty much everything they need to know from start to finish — from health records, to insurance, privacy, billing and revenue.  The objective is to be able to see the business processes through from start to finish, document everything, train everyone up to the same level and have a nice, neat collaborative platform that can be used in conjunction with patient records.

     It’s good for the patients:  they’re able to receive better care, having their full histories in a central location instead of having such disparate dissemination of information, and having a simple way to schedule, refer and assist in their diagnoses.  It also gives them a lot more choice about where they receive their care, as they don’t have to start out blind with a new Doctor.
     It’s good for healthcare providers: they’re able to get a better, overall view of a patient’s health, what’s been tried, what’s working, what isn’t and what kind of maintenance and service their patients are getting.  They can see trends with patients and better prepare for epidemics thanks to having data over time.
     It’s good for the staff: they’re able to better assist patients with scheduling and insurance issues, move them from the waiting rooms to the healthcare providers more quickly and get general overviews to assist them in making decisions about how to best care for the patients.
     And, lastly, it’s good for the administration.  They’re able to get a better overview of what’s going on inside their organization, how to budget based on usage and volume, and the best ways to handle new, Government-imposed rules.  They’re also able to get real and useful data about profits and losses at their locations and assist them in improving the quality of service.

     At least, that’s how it will be, once I get a lot of work finished. 

     Despite being a small healthcare system in several small towns, there are as many providers and staff as some of the “large” hospitals, and certainly no shortage of ailing patients.  There’s a reasonably high learning curve to what has proven to be some pretty quirky software, and there seems to be a lot of connectivity issues between locations.
     Oh, and did I mention that I’ve never used this software before?

     Some people might consider it a daunting task.

     For me, it’s exactly what I enjoy doing.  I get to go into a business, learn its processes from top to bottom, liberally apply technology, train everyone how to utilize that technology to the best of its ability and end up with a lot more speed, efficiency and, ultimately, accountability.  You’re able to see where things are falling down, improve processes, and eventually end up being able to provide customers with better service.

     The thing is, as much as I’ve complained about healthcare providers over the last few years, now I’m inside a system where I can do something for the greater good.  I can’t knock the place where I am, because despite being a small system, they do their communities a great service.  They’re an incredible public benefactor, which is one of the reasons I’ve been so impressed with them.

     I also see this as a very real chance to improve the quality of care that patients receive.  If I do a good enough job, perhaps it can be used as a template for larger healthcare systems where patients are treated as numbers instead of names, where profit takes precedence over patient care.
     I’m sure everyone in Knoxville knows exactly where I’m talking about…

     As for the organization, there are many more things that have impressed me.  People are friendly and talkative, they legitimately enjoy their jobs, they offer suggestions instead of incessantly complaining, and they care about what they’re doing. 
     The IT staff are equally impressive.  It’s the first time I’ve gone into a company and not seen an arrogance level that dwarfs their ability.  In fact, these guys actually want to learn, ask questions and try to solve problems.

     The last thing that really stood out happened yesterday morning.  At 8:30AM, when time allowed, there was a completely voluntary meeting.  Out came the Prayer Book.  It was filled with names of friends, family and patients to pray for.  The deceased weren’t marked out — no, they were highlighted in green.
     My two-year-old neice is in the hospital on a respirator.  I don’t know what’s wrong with her, what hospital she’s at, or even how to get hold of anyone to ask because the phone messages I get are more damning than informative, and completely devoid of any contact information where I might be able to figure anything else out.  I know that it’s out of my hands, so, I added her to the Prayer Book.
     We held hands in a circle, were led in prayer with a song and our requests, and made a few silent ones of my own.
     Burdens off, we went back to work.

     That felt good.

     All in all, I needed the change.  I’ve felt trapped and claustrophobic for the last couple of years, and suddenly been offered a great opportunity which I’ve grabbed by the horns.  I enjoy my work again.  I’m enjoying meeting more people, talking to people, and doing what I do.

     To top it all, my Wildcat’s lying three feet away from me, fast asleep, a gentle smile upon her face.  I thank God for this woman every day.

     For the first time in a while, I’m unequivocally happy.

     In the middle of my meltdown, Jewel (one of our esteemed Monday Meleeists) called to let me know that her mother is in the hospital and on life support.  No information as of yet, but I ask that people keep her in their thoughts.