At the end of last July, I couldn’t stand to be anywhere.  The phone was ringing off the hook.  There were insane text messages of love and hate and filth and I got in my car, and I drove until I had no cell phone signal.

     I sat down on a bench.  A beautiful blonde came out, and sat down next to me.  She peered over the top of her glasses, revealing the most gorgeous brown eyes I’ve ever seen.
     “Let me see yours,” she said softly.
     We stared at each other, silently, for what seemed an eternity.
     She took my hand, turned it over, traced it with her fingertips.  I watched, and traced the back of her hand with my own.  No words…

     My heart raced, fear and aniticipation and… something?  What was it?  I felt lightheaded, breathless, trembling.  It was different, different like we’d been so close, and just missed each other, a million times, and then finally, finally came together.  It felt to be the single most important event in my life.  The earth moved, life became more vivid.  Like God had looked down on me and smiled.

     And that was what began an amazing journey.

     She looked at me like I’d always needed to be looked at; dead in the eyes, and with her warm, gentle smile.  She touched me the way I’d always needed to be touched; gentle caresses that would send shivers down my spine.  Upset, she’d pull me close and tell me not to worry about it, that it’d all work out.
     And I’d do the same for her, holding her so close that I intimately know the salty-sweet taste of her tears, running my fingers through her hair and whispering that I would always be there, that everything was gonna be okay.

     And I will continue.

     I’ve never met anyone with a greater propensity for Love as my Wildcat.

     The one.

     My heart belongs to her.

     Our hearts belong together.

     That’s just the way it is.

     Friends come and go.

     Enemies accumulate.

     Work is different.

     We move around.

     But then …

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZrddP5A4WY)

     I put that together for my Wildcat …

     Our memories for Valentine’s Day.

     Not a damn thing has changed.

     Maybe the only thing that hasn’t…

Note: Music Copyright © Blue October. All Photos Copyright © 2007-2008 Mark Steel.

     Two years ago, a group of women known as “The Pirate Chicks” help pull me out of a bad, bad funk.  Although we don’t keep in touch so well anymore, I still consider ‘em to be like sisters.  They were family when I felt I had none.
     One passed away, and I wrote this bit, and couldn’t ever bring myself to hit Publish.  It always seemed incomplete somehow.  In other ways, I felt it was too harsh.  Besides, I was falling back into the funk again and unwilling to admit it.  Eventually, I found myself unable to follow my own advice, and thought, “How can I drop that in there if I’m unwilling to do it myself?”

     A little later, I met my Wildcat.  Writing kinda took a back seat.  She’s taught me to be more patient (I said more patient, not patient *snicker*).  She showed me how to Love, when I’d always kept just enough distance so that I could save myself at the last second.
     No matter the roller coaster, I’m just glad I’m on it with her.

     Suddenly, today, I got lucid and realized how much outside crap can get in the way of being happy. I read through this, and thought, “Man, I broke my Number One Rule!  Mark, you asshat…”
     Then I laughed. 

     Seems that was the whole point… To Laugh.

     And so, today, I’m gonna ignore that fear of hitting the publish button on a blog that’s been sitting in draft for over a year…

     Enjoy.

     I’ve had some friends going through some pretty rough things, so I’ve been adding to this as I go.  I wanted it to be a small, concise thing, but that’s just not gonna happen. Every time I think I’ve got it all there, there’s a 10% more that someone else will come along with.  Those things give me pause to try and work it in.

     So … on with it. 

     Some people will tell you, “Happiness is hard to find.”  If they have a French accent, it sounds like, “A penis is hard to fine.”  Either way, it’s one of the biggest loads of horse-puckey I’ve ever heard.  Some of this might be hard to hear, but if you’re unhappy, I urge you to give it a try.

1. It is impossible to be objective when you’re being an Asshat.

     Seriously, it is.  If you’re unhappy, and you have your head up your ass, you are lacking a very important vantage point where you can step back from a given situation and look at it practically and logically.
     This can lead to you making, or being led into, some pretty stupid situations which can only serve in prolonging your state of mind. [ Note: and make you feel like you're in a world of shit. Go figure! ]

2. What you feel is not wrong.  What you do with it might be.

     It doesn’t matter if what you’re feeling is anger, hatred, fear, loathing, worry or any of those other “negative” feelings.  They are not negative, and have absolutely no bearing on your happiness.  They’re defense mechanisms, and they’re supposed to be warning you to step back and take a look at a situation from a different point of view.

     Here’s a parable:
     I was sitting in a bar in Waterloo in 1986, and someone brought around the shooters.  Yellow shooters.  This shooter happened to be an intensely sweet, oily liquer made of Bananas.  Not 99. Not 100.  Not 1000.  Ten Thousand Bananas.  That’s what that shit was called.
     It turned my stomach, and I ran to the bathroom and got sick.  Fortunately, I made it to the toilet, didn’t make a mess, or anything else.  Controlled puking.
     After I expelled the offensive liquid, I went back to the table, smiling, and drank the rest of the night.
     But now — I HATE BANANAS.  The flavor of a Banana reminds me of that incident.  It reminds me of some people I was with.  It reminds me of some people not to trust.  And, especially, it reminds me of the rotten disgust that was in my stomach at the time.
     So I have an irrational hatred of Bananas, and probably always will.
     But If I start berating someone who offered me a banana, that’d be pretty freakin’ unhealthy.

     Hate, anger, worry, stress … they’re natural.  If your “religion” tells you they’re bad, then why would God give ‘em to ya to feel?  They’re defense mechanisms, plain and simple.  Basic instinct.  And they can be used to help motivate you.

3. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get fleas.

     Wallowing in self-pity is the worst thing you can do.  It’s also very selfish and Toxic.  Toxic people will make everyone around them sick — just like fleas.  If you’re a Toxic person, then you should at least have the decency not to spread it to other people.

      If you’re in a situation where a person’s very existence makes you unhappy, then find someone else to hang out with.  That is so simple, it’s ridiculous.

4. If you’re having a bad day, approximately 6 Billion people will not give a damn.

     That’s a hard Truth for a lot of people to swallow.  Noboby, or at least very few people, care whether or not you’re unhappy.  And nobody can make it better, no matter how much they care about you.
     You are alone.  Shut your hole.

5. Your happiness does not depend on anything else but you.

     You can choose to be unhappy and hurt, or you can choose to not give a damn and go on.  Sure, you can be happy to see your family, friends, lovers, bands, celebrities, and so on… but ultimately, you’re the one who chooses to be happy when you see them.  It’s artificial.
     Ponder that thought, where the very sight of someone makes you happy.  Why does it?  Sometimes, you’ll come up with the right answer.

6. Your belief in God cannot make you a happy person.

     Some people will use their belief in God as a springboard to think that they’re better than someone else.  Others will use their Faith to try and pretend to be happy, when in fact, they’re an Unholy mess.  A great majority pray to God to get them out of that mess instead of taking the steps to pick themselves up.
     So let’s get one thing straight: God hates whiners. 
     As it says in the Vedas, “Call on God, but row away from the Rocks.”

9. You control your own destiny.

     One of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make is blaming their circumstances on someone else.  It’s someone else’s fault that the house is a mess.  It’s someone else’s fault you can’t afford a new car.  It’s someone else’s fault that you got drunk last night — she was cute, and you just couldn’t he… nevermind.
     When it comes right down to it, most people will blame their past for the reason they’re not doing what it takes to make things right in the present.  
     Three words:  What.  Ev.  Er.

     If it’s dirty, clean it up.  Budget better.  Put down the friggin’ glass.  It’s easy.

     And if you let your past hold you back from enjoying yourself, it’s time to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.  Getting all manic because someone said the same thing someone else said twenty years ago is about as out-of-context as you can get.
     The 80’s are over.  Enough with days of the Powder Blue Sport Jacket!
     Oh, and 90’s are over, too.  Are you really that traumatized that Kurt Cobain blew his brains out?

10. Worrying about things you can’t do anything about is futile.

     Even I fall victim to this one, and it’s one of the worst.

     People are dying in some far corner of the world.  Children are starving to death in First World countries.  The Pentagon has its agenda.  Politicians are screwing you over.  And it’s bugging the shit out of you right now that there’s no Seven or Eight in this list.
     And none of this matters one iota to your happiness.

     You have to keep in mind that stressing over things that you have no control or bearing over makes you part of the problem — your bitching and complaining will probably make someone else unhappy, so for chrissakes, just shut up. 

     And refer back to other sections as necessary.

     It’s the Wildcat’s birthday today.  Like many women, she worries about her age.  Looking at her, I still can’t figure out why she’s worried about that at all.  Nobody believes her when they find out.  I end up looking younger for standing beside her.

     The more she smiles and laughs, the younger she looks.  Seriously, at the rate she’s going, she’ll look like a teenager at 80.

     She’s an amazing woman who’s accomplished a lot in the face of adversity, and yet, she’s so humble.  She managed to raise three kids on her own, went back to school and worked towards a career in healthcare.  Oh, and she’s not stopping there!  She’s got hardcore potential, and proves over and over again that she can do anything that she sets her mind to.
     On top of it, she’s a hottie — getting hit on by men from eighteen to eighty — and doesn’t even realize it.  She has the most gorgeous eyes ever.  She can melt me in an instant with a gaze that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world.
     “God, you’re beautiful!”
     “No, I’m not…” she replies meekly, her cheeks flushing to a pale pink.

     Truly, she has plenty to be proud of.  

     Me, I’m just proud to call her mine.

     Happy Birthday, sweetie. 

     May we have many more.  *smooch!*

i was at my worst with nothing left
and all the world was blue
and never saw a ray of hope
’til the day that i met you
and while you’re in that place
i give your words back to you

you told me…

you can’t be strong all the time
or keep hiding all the tears
sometimes you have to let it out
and stand your ground to fear
when you feel that all is lost
remember that i’m right here

always.

     Everyone knows everything everyone else does small towns, although they live quite a distance apart.  One day, in my best redneck accent (I do voices quite well, and though it’s dead-on, you’ll rarely meet anyone who sounds as inbred as I do when I do it), I quipped, “By God, you could fart at one end o’ th’ county and by the time ya git to th’ other end, ever’body knows what it smelt like!”
     They died laughing, although they didn’t like that I said “fart.”

     Good thing they don’t hear some of the other words I say on a regular basis…

     One of the things I’ve always known is that there are many factions in small towns.  There are people who it’s okay to talk to, and there are people who it’s not.  That’s kind can get tricky, because quite honestly, I talk to everybody and don’t care about that kind of stuff.  Generally, people don’t bother to get upset with me about it, because I’m a ”nice guy.”
     One of the unique things, tho, is the constant use of the archaic word “queer” to describe these people you’re not supposed to talk to or “watch out” for. Although, it has nothing to do with someone’s sexual preference, and is pronounced quite differently…  
     One day, I asked, “Quare?  How ya spell ‘at?  Like ’square’ without the ’s’?”
     This resulted in the age-old, universal, one-fingered gesture in my general direction.
     To which I replied, “Well, ain’t that mighty Christian of ya?!”

     Also good for a laugh.

     A couple of weeks ago, after hearing about how everyone in town was “queer,” someone asked me, “So, Mark, how ya like it here?”
     I said, “I dunno.  They’s too many quares.”
     “What?” they asked, shocked.
     “Yeah, by God, ever’body I talk to, they tell me, he’s quare, she’s quare, and by God, they even told me you was, too!”
     The blank look was priceless.

     Give it a minute, give it a minute… Yep, they died laughing. 

     Another incident happened when an elderly gentleman came up and said, “Oh, man, it’s a beautiful day!  I’m gonna home and work in my garden!  Do you have a garden, Mark?”
     “No, sir,” I replied.  Keeping a straight face, I added, “My girl won’t let me play with hoes.”
     One person who overheard the conversation cupped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.  It took him a minute to catch on.

     Now every time I see him, he laughs, and tells me, “Stay away from them hoes!”

     Another day, I was answering questions about some software when I leaned forward and hit my funny bone on the edge of the desk.  My uncontrollable reaction was to blurt out, “Motherf…” at which point, I caught myself and stopped the profanity midstream.
     She ignored it, and continued her explanation of the software issue without skipping a beat.
     I gave her the answer and showed her an alternative method to do what she was asking.
     She responded to the answer, and added, “And, by the way, I know that must have hurt.  But next time, just go ahead and finish the word because we all knew what you were thinking, anyway.”

     Laughter is always good medicine.

     And being just slightly off-color does tend to relax even the most uptight people.

     Older people, especially, seem to enjoy it even more…

     I’ve gotten some sporadic e-mails and messages wondering where I’ve been the last couple of weeks.  I’m simply not telling.  The fact is, I needed a change from ridiculous work hours, and really needed to shrug off a lot of the responsibility that’s been bearing down on me.
     Now, there’s no more dealing with bad checks, fraudulent credit cards, delinquent accounts, support phone calls from customers who can’t figure out time zones or other day-to-day craziness of trying to run a business.  The day-to-day harrassment and stress is gone.  Things that weren’t working out are beginning to turn around.  I’ve completed my first week of work, and found that I actually have time for things again.

     Being able to enjoy time away from work and BS and drama is a good thing.  Being able to spend more time with the Wildcat is an even better thing.

     I took a Systems Analyst job at a small-town hospital with several, small satellite clinics.  What I get to do is learn the software that they’re using for digital record keeping in order to help them maximize the use of it so that they know pretty much everything they need to know from start to finish — from health records, to insurance, privacy, billing and revenue.  The objective is to be able to see the business processes through from start to finish, document everything, train everyone up to the same level and have a nice, neat collaborative platform that can be used in conjunction with patient records.

     It’s good for the patients:  they’re able to receive better care, having their full histories in a central location instead of having such disparate dissemination of information, and having a simple way to schedule, refer and assist in their diagnoses.  It also gives them a lot more choice about where they receive their care, as they don’t have to start out blind with a new Doctor.
     It’s good for healthcare providers: they’re able to get a better, overall view of a patient’s health, what’s been tried, what’s working, what isn’t and what kind of maintenance and service their patients are getting.  They can see trends with patients and better prepare for epidemics thanks to having data over time.
     It’s good for the staff: they’re able to better assist patients with scheduling and insurance issues, move them from the waiting rooms to the healthcare providers more quickly and get general overviews to assist them in making decisions about how to best care for the patients.
     And, lastly, it’s good for the administration.  They’re able to get a better overview of what’s going on inside their organization, how to budget based on usage and volume, and the best ways to handle new, Government-imposed rules.  They’re also able to get real and useful data about profits and losses at their locations and assist them in improving the quality of service.

     At least, that’s how it will be, once I get a lot of work finished. 

     Despite being a small healthcare system in several small towns, there are as many providers and staff as some of the “large” hospitals, and certainly no shortage of ailing patients.  There’s a reasonably high learning curve to what has proven to be some pretty quirky software, and there seems to be a lot of connectivity issues between locations.
     Oh, and did I mention that I’ve never used this software before?

     Some people might consider it a daunting task.

     For me, it’s exactly what I enjoy doing.  I get to go into a business, learn its processes from top to bottom, liberally apply technology, train everyone how to utilize that technology to the best of its ability and end up with a lot more speed, efficiency and, ultimately, accountability.  You’re able to see where things are falling down, improve processes, and eventually end up being able to provide customers with better service.

     The thing is, as much as I’ve complained about healthcare providers over the last few years, now I’m inside a system where I can do something for the greater good.  I can’t knock the place where I am, because despite being a small system, they do their communities a great service.  They’re an incredible public benefactor, which is one of the reasons I’ve been so impressed with them.

     I also see this as a very real chance to improve the quality of care that patients receive.  If I do a good enough job, perhaps it can be used as a template for larger healthcare systems where patients are treated as numbers instead of names, where profit takes precedence over patient care.
     I’m sure everyone in Knoxville knows exactly where I’m talking about…

     As for the organization, there are many more things that have impressed me.  People are friendly and talkative, they legitimately enjoy their jobs, they offer suggestions instead of incessantly complaining, and they care about what they’re doing. 
     The IT staff are equally impressive.  It’s the first time I’ve gone into a company and not seen an arrogance level that dwarfs their ability.  In fact, these guys actually want to learn, ask questions and try to solve problems.

     The last thing that really stood out happened yesterday morning.  At 8:30AM, when time allowed, there was a completely voluntary meeting.  Out came the Prayer Book.  It was filled with names of friends, family and patients to pray for.  The deceased weren’t marked out — no, they were highlighted in green.
     My two-year-old neice is in the hospital on a respirator.  I don’t know what’s wrong with her, what hospital she’s at, or even how to get hold of anyone to ask because the phone messages I get are more damning than informative, and completely devoid of any contact information where I might be able to figure anything else out.  I know that it’s out of my hands, so, I added her to the Prayer Book.
     We held hands in a circle, were led in prayer with a song and our requests, and made a few silent ones of my own.
     Burdens off, we went back to work.

     That felt good.

     All in all, I needed the change.  I’ve felt trapped and claustrophobic for the last couple of years, and suddenly been offered a great opportunity which I’ve grabbed by the horns.  I enjoy my work again.  I’m enjoying meeting more people, talking to people, and doing what I do.

     To top it all, my Wildcat’s lying three feet away from me, fast asleep, a gentle smile upon her face.  I thank God for this woman every day.

     For the first time in a while, I’m unequivocally happy.

To find out how you too, can participate in The Monday Melee, please read the main Monday Melee page, grab The Monday Melee logo (and view the participant list too).

In a sick way I want to thank you
for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight
     — “Hate Me,” Blue October

1. The Magnificent: Name someone you absolutely adore, and tell us why.

     Two hundred eleven days, ten hours and forty-two minutes ago, I met someone who made me start getting my shit together.  I needed that. 

2. The Muddy: Tell us something about life you just don’t “get”.

     An Order of Protection can keep an unstable person from owning a gun — and if they’ve never owned a gun, or even plan on owning one, it’s sort of a moot point.  However, if you’re served with an Order of Eviction, no matter the situation (oh, for the sake of this, let’s say, “Retaliation” for serving an Order of Protection), it not only screws up your credit rating (because Evictions are immediately reported to credit bureaus), but also makes it quite difficult to find another place to live, secure employment, gather business capital and, in many cases, causes companies to cease to do business with you.
     The ol’, “You screw me, and I’ll screw you, even if I did deserve it!” mentality is just ridiculous.

3. The Magnetic: Name something or someone good (or bad) you’re drawn to and you just can’t help it. Tell us if you want to change this or not.

     Right now, I’m being drawn to change… changes in lifestyle, work, home, business, and pretty much everything in my life.  Things are looking up, and some time away from the tumult of several situations will afford me the insight and subjectivity that I’m desperately lacking right now.  I’m making some rather serious decisions regarding my future … and loving every minute of it!

4. The Mainstay: Who or what is something you just can’t live without? Why?

     For the last year, I’ve lacked the stability I desperately needed.  The more I get back, the more I realize how much I’ve missed it.

5. The Masquerade: Tell us something about yourself we wouldn’t already know.

     Would anyone guess that I actually sprang from a family of moonshiners & coal miners and spent the first part of my life in a trailer park?  *grin*

6. The Mettle: Tell us about a time you showed courage in yourself, or tell us what you wish you had the courage to do.

     Like everyone else, I have a healthy degree of fear.  Sometimes they’re rational fears, and other times they’re irrational.  But every single day, I try and face them and move forward.  I don’t feel like getting specific right now, so let’s just say that as of this past weekend, fear or not, my life is about to change drastically.
     And I wouldn’t miss it for a second.

Now it’s your turn.

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     I’m reluctant to post this, because it’s a little embarrassing and it might ruin my reputation..
     But, after passing out ten Rated E for Excellent awards, I ended up getting passed Judy’s (of Sugar Queen’s Dream) “Sweet as Sugar” award, and being paid a tremendous compliment, by that crazy canuck known as Fracas:

Now those who might think being a sweetie is reserved for women couldn’t be more wrong. In his day to day life, I happen to know that Mark is a sweetie to not just his lovely woman… but to a whole host of people that look to him for help, advice, friendship and all that good stuff. So Mark… suck this one up. You’re a sweetie and I guess you’ll just have to live with it.

     Without the quote, it was a little embarassing, however, I understand and appreciate the sentiment.  Though I’m a bit of a wildcard at times, and some people might not see it. 

     I’m supposed to pass this on to three more people.  The fact is, I have a lot of great friends, I know a lot of good people, and I’m acquainted with many more.  Out of that lot, it’d be absolutely impossible for me to pick three who deserve it more than others.
     That said, however, there are three people in my life who epitomize selflessness.  They’re “Sweet as Sugar.”  And they’re not bloggers.

     The first person on that list is my Wildcat.  And I know that may not come as a shock to anyone, but it’s true.  Everyone who knows this woman has nothing but good things to say about her.  She works in a hospital, and can bring a smile to the face of the most distraught.  Everyone around town adores her, and they’re extremely protective of her.
     Mind you, it can be difficult on occasion.  She’s so genuinely caring of others that she sometimes forgets to take time for herself.  And if there’s any question that she’s a Saint, the fact that she picked — and puts up with — me speaks volumes.

     The next two are in their eighties, and sharp as ever.  I’ve known them my entire life, and enjoyed their kindness, company and wit throughout.  They’ve treated me like I was their own child, and still continue to show me that no matter what happens, they’re there for me.
     And sometimes I feel like a bad son because I don’t see them as often as I should.  Schedules conflict, out of town, tried to call — all the usual excuses.  But when it comes right down to it, I simply haven’t put forth enough effort.  That’s something that I know I need to rectify.

     So that’s my three.  Sorry I’m breaking a meme, but sometimes we need to honor people outside of the blogosphere. 

     Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, thanks to a psychotic cat — an obnoxiously loud cat who constantly whines for food and will not shut up — who insisted that running about the place at full chase and jumping on me with all four sets of claws was a good idea.
     It so was not…

     When I did finally wake and venture into the land of the living, it truly seemed that everyone was in a bad mood.  Of the thirty-four people who I spoke to today, only four didn’t jump right in the middle of my ass.  Thus, I decided to ignore the outside world altogether, come home, write some music and catch up on some coding projects that I’ve been putting off for some time.
     After getting two sites completed — which were really tough, mind you — the thought crossed my mind that, “Computers are sometimes more forgiving than people.”  The third site was just midbogglingly complex.  It was simply too much for me to wrap my muddled head around today, so I quickly revised my theory.

     This weekend, I requested the observance of a new, annual Holiday on February 20th.  I really do hope that “Quit Trying to Make Mark Steel Have a Bad Day Day” is a success, because I’m under a lot of pressure right now.
     In addition to a lot of ridiculously extreme, external bullshit going on lately, last Friday marked the twelve year anniversay of the death of one of my best friends.  This Thursday, February 21st, marks the one year Anniversary of the death of another.
     I know for sure that if those two were still around, one of ‘em would be kicking some peoples’ asses for buggin’ me, and the other would be joining in, all the while laughing maniacally and inciting a veritable cornucopia of other could-be-ass-kickers to assist!
     Yes, I miss those crazy bitches.  I really do.  Unquestionably, they were crazy bitches.  And if you think they’d get offended at that, all you’d've had to do was ask them.  They’d laugh in your face. 

     So, yeah, you could say I’m a little introspective today, but it’s not sadness, per se.  On days like these, I tend to evaluate what’s important to me and what’s not.  Right now, there’s a single issue that’s important to me: Thursday night, my Wildcat and I are gonna be able to hold each other and relax.  The mere promise of that one, simple event keeps my spirits up.

     Tomorrow, though, I’m gonna observe “Quit Trying to Make Mark Steel Have a Bad Day Day,” with “Quit Trying to Make My Wildcat Have a Bad Day Day” running along side it.  And I hope the world celebrates “Quit Trying to Make Fill-In-Your-Name-Here Have a Bad Day Day” with us, too, because dammit, sometimes we all need a break!

     I think it’s a worthy, humanitarian cause.

     I mean, for fucksakes…

     Not to sound like Rodney King or nothin’, but…

     Can’t we all just get along?

     I mean, except for this friggin’ cat.

     I may strangle her just so I can get some sleep.