Over

July 14th, 2008 at 9:39 am by Mark Steel
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     I’ve lost my job.  My things.  My car.  My home.  My family.  My sanity.

     My Wildcat… She taught me how to Love, how to be open…

     And then … what it feels like to truly fear.

     I can have all all I want in the world, but it will never matter without her.

     Because now I’ve lost her, too.

     And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  No amount of compromise, bending over backwards, psychiatry, psychology or anything else can fix this.  She’s made up her mind: “Goodbye, Mark.”

     And still, I am completely and totally in love with her.  There is no compromise, there’s no less love, there’s no anger, just …. fear.

     Now my biggest fear is realized.

     I lost her.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZrddP5A4WY)

     And I just want to sleep and not wake up again.

A Twisted Tuesday… Now for a Warped Wednesday!

February 19th, 2008 at 9:11 pm by Mark Steel
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     Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, thanks to a psychotic cat — an obnoxiously loud cat who constantly whines for food and will not shut up — who insisted that running about the place at full chase and jumping on me with all four sets of claws was a good idea.
     It so was not…

     When I did finally wake and venture into the land of the living, it truly seemed that everyone was in a bad mood.  Of the thirty-four people who I spoke to today, only four didn’t jump right in the middle of my ass.  Thus, I decided to ignore the outside world altogether, come home, write some music and catch up on some coding projects that I’ve been putting off for some time.
     After getting two sites completed — which were really tough, mind you — the thought crossed my mind that, “Computers are sometimes more forgiving than people.”  The third site was just midbogglingly complex.  It was simply too much for me to wrap my muddled head around today, so I quickly revised my theory.

     This weekend, I requested the observance of a new, annual Holiday on February 20th.  I really do hope that “Quit Trying to Make Mark Steel Have a Bad Day Day” is a success, because I’m under a lot of pressure right now.
     In addition to a lot of ridiculously extreme, external bullshit going on lately, last Friday marked the twelve year anniversay of the death of one of my best friends.  This Thursday, February 21st, marks the one year Anniversary of the death of another.
     I know for sure that if those two were still around, one of ‘em would be kicking some peoples’ asses for buggin’ me, and the other would be joining in, all the while laughing maniacally and inciting a veritable cornucopia of other could-be-ass-kickers to assist!
     Yes, I miss those crazy bitches.  I really do.  Unquestionably, they were crazy bitches.  And if you think they’d get offended at that, all you’d've had to do was ask them.  They’d laugh in your face.  ;-)

     So, yeah, you could say I’m a little introspective today, but it’s not sadness, per se.  On days like these, I tend to evaluate what’s important to me and what’s not.  Right now, there’s a single issue that’s important to me: Thursday night, my Wildcat and I are gonna be able to hold each other and relax.  The mere promise of that one, simple event keeps my spirits up.

     Tomorrow, though, I’m gonna observe “Quit Trying to Make Mark Steel Have a Bad Day Day,” with “Quit Trying to Make My Wildcat Have a Bad Day Day” running along side it.  And I hope the world celebrates “Quit Trying to Make Fill-In-Your-Name-Here Have a Bad Day Day” with us, too, because dammit, sometimes we all need a break!

     I think it’s a worthy, humanitarian cause.

     I mean, for fucksakes…

     Not to sound like Rodney King or nothin’, but…

     Can’t we all just get along?

     I mean, except for this friggin’ cat.

     I may strangle her just so I can get some sleep.

Supernatural Intervention?

October 31st, 2007 at 7:42 pm by Mark Steel
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     This isn’t a Halloween prank.  It’s absolutely true.

     So, first off, let’s get one big-ass presumtion outta the way: I don’t believe in ghosts.  I generally think they’re a nutjob’s way of attempting to give order to a chaotic life. 

     In fact, I’m an extremely logical person, with a stranglehold on reality.  Truth is stranger — and, generally, funnier — than fiction, so I don’t bother with the latter…
     …even though I’ve had a couple of really weird experiences which’ve made me question my own sanity.

     So this?  This is a weird one.  It’s on of those borderline, “Oh, yeah, he’s nuts, look!  There’s the proof!” kinda posts.  But honestly, I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.  Fortunately, there were other people with me, witnessing the same things, and saying, “Oh crap!” right along with me.  Or words to that effect…

     Earlier this year, the twenty-first of February to be exact, the Pirates and I lost a close friend.  The reactions were mixed.  Some were angry about the way she went, some were distraught that she was gone, and some were nostalgic.
     A very tiny minority of us remembered the way she was, laughed along with our memories,  and kept right on laughing and smiling.  Our attitudes helped us be there for the others who weren’t doing so well.

     On February 25th, after a brief meeting with some of the aforementioned, Zacque and I decided to head off somewhere other than the usual hangout to have a drink.
     That’s crucial to this story, see, because neither of us had been drinking yet.

     So I’m driving down I-75 when all of a sudden, my telephone rings.  I always look at the Caller ID, and was shocked to “Susan” appear.  I decided, logically, that her daughter was calling from her phone.
     “What’s up?” I answered.
     “Nothing much,” the voice on the other end replied.
     That voice… “Susan?”
     “Oh, HA-HA!  You don’t say!” she laughed.
     “Uhhh, what the Hell?  This isn’t funny!” I yelled.
     “Oh, Hey, hey, hey!” she yelled, still laughing.  “You know what you should do?”
     “What?” I snapped.  It was her… but I knew it couldn’t be her.
     “You should take Zacque out for a drink!” she said.
     “That’s what we’re doing…”
     “Yeah, I figured.  Well, you two be careful, ok?” she mothered.
     “Always,” I monotoned.
     “Love ya, bye!” she said.  Same as she ever was.
     She hung up.

      I was about to tell Zacque what was going on as the tears welled in my eyes, but the phone rang again — again from Susan.

      “Oh, hey!” she yelled when I answered.  “Mark, listen to me — this is very important!”
     I was pulling into the parking space at the bar.  “What’s up?”
     “You have to check your right, rear wheel.  It’s really important!”
     “Uhhh, what?” I asked, confused.
     “Just do it, ok?  Promise me!”
     “Okay, I promise,” I said.
     “Oh, and fix your speaker!” she added.  “Love ya, bye!”
     I turned the car off.  The tears began to stream.  Was I losing my mind?

     I looked at Zacque.  “Look at the Caller ID,” I said as I handed him the phone.
     “What’d she say?”
     “To check my rear passenger wheel and fix my speaker…”
     We sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, finally deciding to head to my place instead of hanging out drinking.  Zacque was visibly shaken, nervous.
     “Ok,” I said.  “Guess I’ll drive so I can check my wheel tomorrow…”
     As I started the car, the right rear speaker blasted out nothing but loud static.
     I turned the car off.
     “On second thought, Zacque,” I started.  “You drive.”
     I lost it… Crying scared.

     The next day, with great hangovers, we drove back to my car to inspect this mysterious “right rear wheel.”
     As we laid down on the concrete, we simultaneously saw a quarter-inch off-brand wrench hanging precariously from the brake’s bleeder valve inside.  It was close to falling off by itself, and most probably would have locked the wheel, if only temporarily… but certainly enough to cause major damage to the car, and maybe even to me if I hadn’t found and corrected the situation.

     Saved by a phone call from a dead friend?

     Oh, there was more over the next few months.  Sporadic phone calls, voice mails, and miscellanous other forms of “contact” which were witnessed by others.

     In April, I was going through a bit of a legal mess.  One night, while sitting around with a group of friends, I got another of her strange phone calls.
     “Well, hey!  Well, hey!  Well, hey, hey, hey!  Do you know what you should do?” she said.
     “No.”
     “Well goddamn!  What happened to you?” she said with concern.  “You have to remember one thing.”
     “What?”
     “I’m rat-cheer,” she said in her best Southwen drawl.
     “What?”
     “Rat-cheer.”
     “Right here?”
     “Rat-cheer.”
     “No… You’re not.”
     “But if you need me to testify for you, you know I will.”
     “What?”
     ”I’m rat-cheer.  See ya!”
     *click*
     I turned off my phone that night.
     As for the court case I was involved in, I wished Susan could’ve been there.  She witnessed a lot of what I was testifying about, as well.  In court, I attempted to get another witness to repeat what Susan had said about the incidents, but the testimony was kicked out as hearsay (which it wasn’t).
     Still, I won my case.  Her call made me get my ducks in a row.

     The last fully verifiable contact I received from her was on May 19th, 2007 at 9:26AM EDT.  Here it is:

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcz2PQewUbU)

     On June 29th, a girl I know told me she had late night conversation with Susan when calling my telephone.  I was verifiably passed out at the time, having taken a tumble through a glass tabletop.  Others who were around that night swear that no one talked to the girl in question, either.
     At the time, I chalked it up to nonsense.  But in retrospect, perhaps it was her way of keeping me safe again…

Dealing With Loss

August 27th, 2007 at 2:32 pm by Zacque Hitchcock
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I know it.  I just do.
I can feel it in the air I breathe and the water I drink.
In the tears I cry and the thoughts I think.
I can feel the loss I soon will experience.

While for us there are three constants in this world.
I am sorry my friend there’s one I can’t keep.
The day you leave will be at least a sad day.
Because no one can live forever.

Refreshed

July 30th, 2007 at 3:38 pm by Mark Steel
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     By 12:30AM Sunday morning, all the de-stressing I’d done since Friday came unraveled due to another round of idiotic things beyond my control.  I was livid, and finally said, “Hey, screw this.  I’m getting the Hell outta here for a while.”

     I drove northeast for several hours until I couldn’t find a cellphone signal.  Then I drove into the mountains in the middle of nowhere … someplace with absolutely no chance of hitting either a Digital or Analog cell signal.
     As angry as I was at certain things that were going on, I figured it would take longer than it did to mellow out.

     I sat.
     I thought.
     I relaxed.
     I communed.
     I slept.

     Eventually, after spending twenty-four hours away from everything — work, people, computers, cellphones, cats, asshats — I woke feeling refreshed and optimistic.
     It was time to depart.

     It was rainy and foggy most of the weekend.  Coming back over a huge mountain in the car, I was having a little trouble not skidding down the hill at times thanks to the deluges of water over the road at intervals.
     About halfway down, I began to pick up speed quickly, hydroplaning downhill at a breakneck pace — no brakes, no steering, no control whatsoever.  The car turned better than a one-eighty, and, terrified, I stared to back to my left only to see a fast-approaching wall of limestone at the bottom of the hard-left switchback.
     Shocked, and unable to do anything to avoid impending doom, I braced myself for what would well have been a massive impact.

     In that instance, every hope of peace & quiet, and the objectivity I’d gained by getting away, was dashed.  Every scintilla of serenity I’d earned myself the previous day was shattered in an instant by yet another unavoidable event that was completely beyond my control.

     In bracing myself, I must have inadvertently turned my wheels back to the right a bit more than I expected.  Suddenly, a wheel stuck, the car one-eightied again, and I found myself going down the hill in the narrow, oncoming lane.  A few flicks left and right, and I had control again!
     I managed to slow my descent, veer left, then right, and narrowly avoid a second problem — going through the guardrail and plummeting hundreds of feet into the valley below.

     It lasted but a few seconds, but seemed like forever.  My heart was racing.  At the bottom of the mountain, I pulled to the side of the road and thanked my Maker for getting me through.
     Yet again, I’d come out unscathed.

     The last couple of months have dashed my persective a bit.

     Sometimes I forget how lucky I really am.

     I’m lucky not only for getting away unscathed, but also for the fact that every time something happens, I come back stronger than before.

     Some people aren’t so fortunate.  But knowing that I’m a lot more than just the sum of my experiences helps tremendously.

Once You Say It…

June 17th, 2007 at 2:35 am by Mark Steel
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     Once you say, it’s out there.

     Doesn’t matter if it’s a blog, a conversation with a mentor, a friend, a wife, a lover, a random asshat, or a random idiot screaming about the how the death of Lady Diana affected him on a personal level so deeply that it affected the way he thought about life, the Universe and Everything …

     Sometimes it’s better to just back away …

     Get your thoughts together …

     And if you can’t … or they can’t …

     There’s always tomorrow …

     Sometimes.  *shrug*

Bearded Lizards and Lightnin’ Bugs

June 16th, 2007 at 10:45 am by Diva Howe
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My household is short one member this morning.  My daughter is super sad. 

I woke up around 1-ish this morning and the livingroom lights were on.  I rounded the corner to find my child, her boyfriend and my new son sitting around looking extremely sad.

My first instinct was to be pissy because the boyfriend was still here.  Then I figured by the solemn expression on each face that something indeed was troubling them.

(taking a diaper the grandson break…. DEAR LORD the smell)

The next thing I noticed was the lizard’s habitat was not in the girl’s bedroom, but in the livingroom with the depressed looking children.  I was told the lizard was passing into the next life.  Immediately, I was transported into late night depression too.

FLASHBACK:  “Mom, we’re goin out to catch lightnin bugs,” my daughter said.

They came in and went to the bedroom, where the lizard habitat is housed, lightning bug contraption in tow.  Out of the bedroom I hear them giggle as the lizard must have been performing tricks to get the treat.

Lizards eat bugs, that’s nature.  So, they figured since it would jump across its home to get a cricket, it would jump in the air to get a flying critter. 

They finish feeding it 3 of the luminescent delicacies. And put in a movie.  That’s when I went off to bed.

BACK TO THE NOW:  So, whilst Diva slept, the lizard was becoming very ill.  By the time I woke up, it was too late.  They had looked it up on teh internets.  Fireflies are TOXIC and not to be ingested by any other living creature. 

We will be burying Joey today.  Out back.  Next to the rat that didn’t make it through baby rat birth.

I suppose in order to ease her sadness, I’ll wait a day or two and go get her another reptilian playmate.  We’ll try a snake this time I think.

A Mini-Memorial

May 21st, 2007 at 12:14 pm by Mark Steel
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     Because it was exactly three months ago …

     And everyone who knew her will know exactly who this is …

     ( I close my eyes, remember her, and die laughing — that’s the way it should be *grin* )

     Cheers, babe.  Miss ya.

News of the Unusual

May 4th, 2007 at 11:44 am by Zacque Hitchcock
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Since I am a fan of the “News of the Weird,” a column regularly featured in everyone’s favorite free “news” publication in the KnoxVegas MetroPulse, I’ve have decided to share some exceptional news today.

Let us go north, thru Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, Canadia — okay, maybe not that far — go southwest a little, and bam!  You’re in the Dairy state, Wisconsin.  Then within that state, we come to the lovely little city of Janesville, just on the state line.  Janesville is known as “Wisconsin’s Park Place”, even though it was originally founded on strong industry. Our story however comes from a different line of work entirely, one that is universal to all places nowadays: Real Estate.

Whether you are buying, selling, renting, leasing, or subletting, some truths should just be self-evident.  Never trust anyone who offers a deal that feels to good to be true.

  1. Inspect the property.
  2. If the neighborhood looks like butt, the property values should not be that high.
  3. Don’t be afraid to do a bit of research.
  4. Don’t forget, to sell a place, the worst thing you can do is have the actual owner present.  Hire an agent.

I can’t help but want to talk about the last one.  The reasoning behind it is the same as hiring an attorney, since we all now a similar adage:  The man who represents himself has a fool for an attorney.  The owner is too emotionally tied to the property to make a viable sales attempt successful. 

Now that we can be successful, let’s get on with the story.

While on location showing a home to a couple, a real estate agent heard a blood-curdling scream out of the female counterpart.  Assuming it was a mouse the husband and agent walk into the room.  To their surprise, it was not a mouse, but the owner of the property… Deceased.

All I have to say is, “Hey, the owner was trying to do the right thing… he was OUT!”

Dosvidanya, Muzhik!

April 23rd, 2007 at 12:17 pm by Mark Steel
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See note

     That’s my favorite picture of Yeltsin, quite often a simile for his life during the last twenty years.

     What few people remember were his frequent clashes with Mikhail Gorbachev on the issue of Perestroika, not because he was against it, but because he felt Gorbachev was moving too slowly.  Media reacted to the clashes without ever looking at the context, dubbing him a “Hardline Communist.”  They never really went back to correct their mistake.
     Needless to say, he was tough, highly opinionated and stubborn.  He said what he thought, and stuck to his guns no matter what.

     Rest in peace, Mr. Yeltsin (01-Feb-1931 - 23-Apr-2007).

Photo Credit: Unknown - Deserves credit