For a few years, my Messenger has been filled with so-called Customers who bother me whenever I get online.  They ask for help, often ask me to login to their servers remotely and fix things, and when it comes time to pay, I get the old, “When I make money, you make money!” thing.

     It ires me to no end.

     A few others have said, “Hey, we’ll pay you $x to do this website for us,” and then used the old, “We haven’t been paid for it yet,” trick.  Months pass, my questions get ignored, and then they have the balls to come and ask me to do more things for them.  And stupidly, I have.

     Still others have said, “We’re hiring you at $x a week, and we expect at least y hours out of you.  Are you game?”
     “Certainly!”
     I get their billing information, they get their login and password to the billing system and go in and enter a credit card like they’re supposed to.  The scam usually works when their credit card won’t bill, and they ask me to switch them to PayPal billing, which I do.  They don’t bother to pay that one, so I send them an invoice through PayPal.  They don’t bother with that one, either, and meanwhile, they change their passwords on their servers.

     It’s really annoying, trying to do business with people whose faces you never see, or people who are too far away to get hold of and rip their arms off when they do something like that.

     Tonight, one of the standard “When I make money, you make money” freeloaders got an eyefull:

Mark says:
Man, ya know, it’s really bugging me lately. I’m a consultant. It’s what I do for a living. And I just can’t just answer and fix servers for free all the time. I’m just not doing that anymore. It costs $xxx an hour, and I’ve given you something like 12 hours or more and you’ve always said, “When I make money, you make money!” Well, ya know, after a hundred times, it becomes bullshit.

Mark says:
Now fuck off.

Captain Asshat says:
hey!  but I’m not getting paid for this job!
have a nice life loser

Mark says:
Yeah, a loser who you keep asking to fix your servers for free.

     Really, knowing that Captain Asshat has never paid me a dime for the work I’ve done — even when he’s said he would — how could he expect anything less?  And, yeah, I have been a loser in the fact that I’ve lost every bit of revenue he’s promised after I’ve stupidly prioritized him above customers who actually do pay their bills.
     So maybe I’m a loser — he’s still a deadbeat.

     And why should I listen to, “That’s poor customer service!” from an asshat who hasn’t even been a customer?  I mean, by definition, customers usually pay. 

     So, Captain Asshat, seriously…  As far as “Customer Service,” my skills are absolutely excellent — ask any of my customers who actually pay per agreement. 

     Now, it’s not that anyone has to pay me to be nice to people.  It’s just that… well… I’m friendly.  I’m extremely helpful.
     As a matter of fact, I’ve been too nice.  Too helpful.  Too willing to let too many people take advantage of me.

     As far as my business goes … That ends now. 

     I’m more assertive when I’m working for someone else, and I’m not when I’m working for myself.   That’s a fact.
     There’s a point where you have to be an asshole, and start weeding out the freeloaders.  That time past a long time ago, and I have a lot of catching up to do.  *evil grin*

     And if you’re not paying me to do any of my “outstanding” work (your words, not mine), you’re gonna get what you pay for as far as “customer service.” 

     As a small business owner (and having a resume which looks more the like Fortune 500), life can be a little tough.  Ultimately, if you have employees and keep close tabs on things, you’re gonna bear the brunt of every single problem with your company.  And too many times in the last few months, it has absolutely nothing to do with the way things are handled — it has to do with the fact that as we grow, as we start gaining customers from given places in the world (yeah, we do a lot of International work, as well), some people are unforgiving asshats.

     A few years ago, we did a small contract for a foreign company who was attempting to integrate their billing system so that customers could take their bill to any post office in that country and pay their bill.  Unfortunately, the Big Bank didn’t give us any “real” documentation, and none of us had time to fully research it.
     However, we knocked it outta the park.  I personally figured out the funky math involved, and decided it’d be a stupid thing to ever put money into one of their banks.  (Here in the United States, most of us know better than to give out our account numbers and ABN’s anyway…)
     Basically what happened was that we were given an impossible task, screwed with by a Big Bank who didn’t wanna release enough information to actually finish the project, and we ended up getting it done anyway.  To top it off, after reading our Security Audit, it was mentioned by their “process agent” (Lawyer) that if said Big Bank was ever robbed electronically, we’d be the first people to be contacted … Well, us and some Russian-born Frenchman, by name, who’d initially written the code for the job, but they said they’d changed some security protocol stuff (which was rather pathetic) and figured out how the whole bloody system worked…
     End of story, we didn’t get paid for our time.  We were required to keep our mouths shut.  But now, it’s been five years, and I suggest never keeping any money in a foreign bank — too many of them are the same. 

     More recently, I had a client threaten to sue me for being two months late paying his bill.  Oh, and being more than a year late on a bill owed to a partner company.  Somehow, it was my fault that I couldn’t provide service to someone who continued not to pay.
     During a discussion with his “process agent” (Lawyer), I informed him that paying the bill was gonna be far less than the legal fees and court costs to pursue the case, and detailed every bit about why I would win.  Mr. Layer actually agreed, given full evidence.  I further indicated that said customer would end up having to pay the full amount of his bill, at least double that in his own legal fees, and have to pay mine on top of it.  Mr. Lawyer told me that because my case was an open-and-shut, he wouldn’t be pursuing me in court, and would bill his client at two hours of his time at a courtesy.
     I also asked Mr. Lawyer if he would pursue me in court if I blogged about it, and he said, “Feel free, just don’t embarrass anyone.”
     Kudos, Mr. Lawyer.  I’m actually amazed at the professional behavior you displayed today.  Seriously … I meet so few lawyers who are able to listen to logic and reason and come to a conclusion.  Most of them just want to tear someone a new one, regardless of the merits of a case.  So kudos, again, Sir.  You’ve managed to cast your profession in a better light where so few of your consituents can.
     I mean, my lawyer’s an asshole…  *snicker*

     As I was saying, you can, as a business owner, attempt to please everyone.  But sometimes, it’s absolutely impossible.  It takes so much time and energy sometimes to make right a wrong, or make right a perceived wrong that sometimes it’s just not worth it.
     What it comes right down to is, if you’re successful, there’s always gonna be someone standing there to knock you down.  If you’re honest and at least semi-reliable, you’re gonna get screwed at least once … more, if you’re growing.
     No amount of placating, consolation, credit card authorization, contact information or up-close-and-personal-ass-kicking can really “fix” anything if someone doesn’t wanna pay.  You can ruin their credit, have it done to you in return, spend all you want in legal fees, and it’s never gonna help.  You can’t garnish wages in most states…
     You cannot — cannot! — possibly hope to make everyone happy.  You do what you can, you try and fix things, and when they’re not working, you’ve just gotta be duck and pretend they’re water.

     Some customers are selfish.  That’s just a fact of life.  The more you have, the more likely you’re gonna have an “asshole customer.”  It’s a fact, Jack.
     They come to you to make you grovel … to try and think they’re offering you the privilege of taking their money, when in fact, you and your employees are busting your asses to take care of them.

     It is for this reason …

     I am sick to death of being a business owner.  I’ve been doing what I do for 22 years.  I am burnt out.
     I am an excellent Customer Service Representative.  I’m great with concepts, but I just don’t wanna implement any more.  Like most natural-born East Tennesseeans, I have a strong work ethic, and I can do anything.  Seriously, three months, I can figure out any job to a T.  Six months, I’ll have it mastered.  I’m meticulous — even anal at times.  But primarily, I can talk to anyone.

     The first $45K job offer that comes along can have me.  I’d settle for that little to get out from under my job stress, and have the stability.  Although, I know damn well I’m worth helluva lot more … Seriously.
     There’s a contact form … click it if ya’ve got any ideas.

     Every now and again, I have an angry customer.  I try and help ‘em as much as I can.  Sometimes, you just have to say, “I’m sorry you don’t feel we’re meeting your needs.  Next?”

     Some people just wanna stay angry … and there’s nothing you can do or say to fix it.  They can keep taking events and words completely out of context to be angry for, even though you’re trying to fix things.  You can be there, stay with the conversation, do your damndest, and it’s just not enough.  It’s especially crappy when you keep bending over backwards to help said customer…

      Most often, it comes down to one thing … and me, I’m never selfish about that.  If there’s one thing, I’ll do it … I’ll help … I’ll fix it … But I’m not gonna be a bend-over-boy, either.

     It usually comes down to one friggin’ thing … Trust.

     And I’m all about being honest … loyal like a Labrodor Retriever …

     But it’s still not enough … sometimes, people will ask for something, and still keep bitching when you give them exactly what they ask for.

     Damn walk-ins … Why couldn’t they be old souls like the rest of us?

     How can I love you if you won’t lie down?

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

     When someone has every need provided for them, they tend to get lazy, and unwilling to do anything for themselves.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

     Al Sharpton.  Does that guy actually do anything besides get people riled up about ridiculous crap?

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

     Today, I feel like in an eternal cycle “waiting it out.”  Waiting for my house to be ready, waiting for payment for services rendered, waiting for a couple more opportunities, waiting for callbacks on a few different things…

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

     Thanks to Fracas & Jason for being such good sports and reposting that silly survey the other day. 

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

     I work hard.  I play hard.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

     I kinda wish I could put myself on autopilot and jump forward two months in time.  That’d be way cool.

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.

     Last week, I inherited a website maintenance customer from a partner company.  After getting everything working on Wednesday afternoon, I sat back and waiting until the next time they’d call.

     On Thursday, I was forwarded an e-mail saying there was an additional issue with their site.  I looked at the file dates, and of course, one of the files in their e-Commerce software had been modified at 9:03AM on 19-Apr-2007.  I rebuilt the file, inserted the requisite variables, and called the customer.
     “No, I haven’t been in it,” he said.  “I just got this stuff yesterday.”
     Clearly, someone had.  The site worked perfectly fine when I left it on Wednesday.  Regardless, I took his explanation, and asked that he setup an account with us.
     “No, all this stuff should be part of the Setup,” he monotoned.  “My wife does all of the billing, anyway.”  Eventually, he promised to have her called me on Friday, 20-Apr-2007.

     Friday came and went without a phone call.

     Monday came, and there were new issues.  At 3:30PM, interns at the company called me to tell me that they were unable to login to the website’s backend yet again.
     Investigation showed that files had been changed at 2:30PM, an hour before they called.  I told them I would call them back, made the required changes, and got it all up and running again.

     The first intern I talked to didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the person who did that.
     Of course, the second intern didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the owner.  “Oh, she’s not in, but I’ll have her call you back tomorrow!”

     Today … I never received a call from them.  I called the company again, attempted to speak to the owner, and was told, “Oh, I’m sorry she didn’t call you back.  But she doesn’t know you, and isn’t comfortable setting up an account when she doesn’t know what it’s for.”
     “It’s for fixing your website,” I explained.  “I’ve been trying to get hold of her since last week.”
     “No, really?  You didn’t talk to anyone here,” she said in a sarcastic tone.
     “No, I spoke with your sysadmin, her husband, last Thursday,” I explained.  “We need to get this situation resolved.  I need to speak with her, and get this straightened out.”
     “Well, what is it that you do?” she asked.
     “Well, you call us for help, we fix it.  Like when you called me yesterday,” I explained.
     “Well, she doesn’t know you, and, uhh, we might not use you anyway.”
     “That’s a bit rough,” I said firmly.  “You’re leaving me in a position where my only recourse is to revert the fixes I’ve made and leave you with it.  I don’t want to have to do that…”
     “Well, okay, I’ll call her right now,” she agreed.

     An hour later, I get a call from my partner company.
     “Mark, she’s going off that you’re making terrorist threats against her website!”
     “Man, I’m still trying to get hold of her.  Her intern said she wouldn’t call me because they don’t know me.”
     “That’s ridiculous … I sent them the e-mail last week!” he exclaimed.
     “Yeah, and it’s their sysadmin’s position that if they break anything on the site right now, that they’ve already paid for it with setup,” I explained.  “But he’s going to have his wife call me, only, she won’t talk to me, because she doesn’t know me.”
     “Well, she said she’s not going to do business with any company that starts making terroristic threats against her website.”
     “Maybe you should give her the number for Homeland Security,” I told him.

     We had a bit of a laugh at the nonsense of the situation.

     Nobody can fault me on my Customer Service skills.  For that matter, no one can say I’ve ever been unfair when issues like these have arisen.

     This is simply a client who’s attempting to get out of paying their bill.  A previous maintenance company allowed them to pay with barter dollars, so I’m guessing they’re a bit miffed at having to come up with cash or a credit card to for the service.

     Some customers nobody needs.

     But in the meantime — I’m a website terrorist!  *thumbs up*

     Should I start wearing a turban?

     Thanks, Glenn.  Appreciate ya.  *rolls eyes in faux disgust* 

     Met up with some cool people for Blogfest on Saturday night:

• Perry Nelson
• Cathy McCaughan
• Doug McCaughan
• Rich Hailey
• Michael Silence
• Randy Neal
• Barry
• SayUncle
• CE Petro
• Les Jones
• Mike Faulk
• Lissa Kay
• Katie Allison Granju
• Jonathan Hickman
• Dr Helen

     Oh, and Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds … *snicker*

     Had a few laughs … Had a few Porters … Had a few more laughs … And then … Met up with some more friends … Had a few more Porters … And laughs … and continued to the next venue(s).

     At some point during the night, I actually turned off my phone and left it in the car, because the business calls were really bringing me down after what had already been a long, long, long, long day.  Four business calls per hour gets old on a Saturday night…

UPDATE 11:26PM GMT-5

     Having just read Rich Haily’s blog in its entirety, I wish to clarify something:

Present but not blogging were Les Jones and his wife Melissa, and Mark Steel.

     I submit that I am not the wife of Les Jones.  I have not, nor will I ever be, married to Les.  Nor has anyone ever, ever called me “Melissa.”  I am also sure that Les is not from Utah, nor Massachusetts.
     That said, however, Les and I do have more in common than most of my recent dates, such as mutual affections for Star Wars, Firearms and making fun of the Dixie Chicks.  *snicker*