I am sad to say that my addiction to Chinese Food was abruptly halted as a result of the ongoing battle with the Fortune Cookie Nazi.  He won, I lost; no MSG, salt loaded, sugary goodness for Diva.  Dammit.

So, I come home from a business trip and OG tells me that while I was gone, she had went to said establishment to partake of take-out as her man had taken ill.

She went to the self serve bar, I remember so well.  She filled her to-go boxes with treats of all kinds…

She went to the front to pay our friend the Fortune Cookie Nazi…

“You need-a any sauces today?”  He asked.

“No.  I don’t think so,”  she politely replied.

“Well, you must-a take the fortune cookie,” he tells her.

A light bulb went off over her head.  She knows first hand that I’m not kidding when I say he just won’t give me a fortune cookie.  That he has an inner drive within his deep dark soul, which keeps him from simply dipping in and giving me my friggin’ cookie. 

What’s wrong with a brother when he won’t even share a 5 cent cookie?  He would give me a truck load of sauces, chop stix, but no damn cookie.   All I want is my cookie!!  Why can’t you just give me my cookie!!!

I’m going to go rock back and forth in the corner now.

I just hate craving that damned chinese food from that damned yummy place over here by the office. 

I mean, I get a craving for it and I decided that, despite the fact I know that evil ass munch won’t give me the fortune cookie without a square off in the middle of the parking lot, I was going to go have me some tastey morsels of saucy goodness.

So, as usual, I go in, get my little styrofoam container, proceed to the buffet of happiness, load up my choices and go to the register to pay.  I set my container on the scale, as they charge for buffet to go by the pound.  This is where it the ugly gets on.

So, everything seems to be going smooth.  I’m mentally preparing for the fight for the fortune cookie.  I intend to win this time. 

“You need sauce or fork?” he asks me all smug like.

“Nope. But I want a Diet Pepsi,”  I tell him.

“Diet Pesi!” he calls out to the chick at the waitress station.

She totes it over and sets it on the counter as he rings me up. 

“That be $4.62,” he tells me.

UH OH!  Houston we have a problem.  Diva don’t carry cash.  Just something I don’t do.  It’s way too easy to use my debit card to have to fool around with dollars.

This ass munch “only takey the credit cawd fo ova fi dolla.”  Hasn’t he seen that VISA commercial that shows the world is officially going plastic???

Still yet, I try to slip it by him.  I pull out my debit card with VISA logo and push it toward him.

“We only take cawd fo purchase ova fi dolla,” he reminds me.

“Look guy, I don’t have any cash.  Well I have a handful of change in the bottom of my purse, but not enough,” I tell him as show him my empty wallet.

“You always can get another drink take wif you,” he tells me.

“Uh, no. You can run my card or I’ll have to leave it,” I tell him, now pissed.

“Well, I not running cawd.  You get cash, come back,” he tells me.

“OK, fine!”  So, I walk out the door.  No lunch, no friggin fortune cookie, and definitely no balls to tell him what he could do with his no useless carton of to-go.

God Bless Taco Bell.  They’ll takey my debit card for an eighty-nine cent bean burrito.

     When I came back into the country five years ago, I was pretty sick of renting movies at Ballbuster (and a few other places) because they were usually staffed by teeny-boppers who were more interested in playing Playstation games behind the counter than actually helping anyone.  I figured if I could “cut out the middle man” and actually get the movies I wanted, it’d make things a lot more simple.
     I took the plunge, signed up with Netflix.com, and couldn’t be happier.

     While living in DC, it was easy.  I could drop my returns in a government maildrop, and the very next day, I’d have a fresh DVD.  After moving back to Knoxville — my hometown — things got a little worse.
     Certain Post Offices in Knoxville just suck.  They lose things, don’t deliver things for weeks, hold onto things, send them back “Addressee Unknown,” and a multitude of other, more destructive, handling errors that make me wonder if they’re not getting their staff from a soup line somewhere… and God knows there are plenty in this burg…

     I’ve had one particular movie out for quite a while.  I finally watched it a few weeks ago, and dropped it in the mail with three others around July 22nd.  Two arrived back at Netflix on the 25th.  One arrived back 26th.  One still hasn’t arrived… Meanwhile, three more DVD’s were shipped out to me on the 25th and 26th, but I still haven’t gotten the bloody things.
     Imagine my surprise earlier today when received e-mail notification that the three they’d shipped to me had been received back at Netflix…

     I called Netflix Customer Service — for the first time in ages — and spoke with a rep named Mary Ann.  She went through the usual steps, verified my address, and found that the DVD’s had actually looped from the Post Office.
     “Typical,” I told her.  “This post office blows… If you look back in my history, you’ll notice every shipping problem I’ve ever reported was from this specific place…”
     “You know what, you’ve been a good customer for a really long time,” she said.  “Nearly five years.  Wow!”
     We talked a bit more about the problems, and found that the new Netflix policy allows them to go after a specific Post Office on behalf of a customer when there are more than three incidents within a ninety-day period.  Good news!
     “While we’re waiting for problems, and I sincerely hope you don’t have any, I’m gonna knock 25% of your charges for the next few months, and give you a couple of vouchers for extra DVD’s,” she said happily.
     “Are you serious?” I asked.  It clearly wasn’t the fault of Netflix.
     “Well, I wouldn’t do this for a customer that’d only been with us for three months, but like I said, you’ve been a good customer for five years, and you deserve a little extra something,” she explained.
     “Wow!” I exclaimed.  “I really appreciate that!  Thanks!”
     “You’re very welcome!”

     My complaint wasn’t with Netflix, and I had questions. She understood my questions, answered them, gave me a number of things I could do to assist in rectifying the situation and then went out of her way to give me a few courtesies for being a long-time, loyal customer.
     Now, seriously, how often does that happen when you call up with inquiry?
     And how could I not refer other people to them given that sort of experience?

     Really, customer service has sucked almost everywhere for a while now, due in no small part to the cost savings of setting up middle-of-nowhere call centers with completely untrained staff who don’t know the product or technology and simply aren’t used to dealing with people.  And foreign outsourcing only makes that sort of thing even worse…

     Fortunately, Netflix has US-based call centers filled with polite, friendly and knowledgable staff who are truly interested when there’s a problem.  That’s almost unheard of these days.  (Well, unless you’re dealing with one of my companies — heads will roll over poor Customer Service)   

     As a representative of her company, what Mary Ann portrayed today was a business with a proper, correct and reputable mindset.  It’s no wonder they’re the biggest and brightest, even though there are several more inexpensive alternatives.
     95% of the DotCom start-ups out there (and cellphone carriers, service companies, fast food, etc. etc. etc.) believe in attracting “New Business” all the time.  They utilize Blitzkreig customer service and Viral marketing which ensures that they sell “one” of everything they offer to every person in the world, and move on to the next customer. 
     High customer turnover isn’t good for anyone; the methodology is entirely incorrect in any business, and especially bad for a Service company where solid customer relationships are crucial for maintaining long-term, residual capital.  Regular, established customers are the ones who continue to come back, refer new business, and stick with you through the lean times.  They’re your best marketers, and they deserve to be treated with a little dignity.

     Netflix, very obviously, gets that.  It’s refreshing to see that they instill those values in the Customer Service reps, as well.

     As a small business owner (and having a resume which looks more the like Fortune 500), life can be a little tough.  Ultimately, if you have employees and keep close tabs on things, you’re gonna bear the brunt of every single problem with your company.  And too many times in the last few months, it has absolutely nothing to do with the way things are handled — it has to do with the fact that as we grow, as we start gaining customers from given places in the world (yeah, we do a lot of International work, as well), some people are unforgiving asshats.

     A few years ago, we did a small contract for a foreign company who was attempting to integrate their billing system so that customers could take their bill to any post office in that country and pay their bill.  Unfortunately, the Big Bank didn’t give us any “real” documentation, and none of us had time to fully research it.
     However, we knocked it outta the park.  I personally figured out the funky math involved, and decided it’d be a stupid thing to ever put money into one of their banks.  (Here in the United States, most of us know better than to give out our account numbers and ABN’s anyway…)
     Basically what happened was that we were given an impossible task, screwed with by a Big Bank who didn’t wanna release enough information to actually finish the project, and we ended up getting it done anyway.  To top it off, after reading our Security Audit, it was mentioned by their “process agent” (Lawyer) that if said Big Bank was ever robbed electronically, we’d be the first people to be contacted … Well, us and some Russian-born Frenchman, by name, who’d initially written the code for the job, but they said they’d changed some security protocol stuff (which was rather pathetic) and figured out how the whole bloody system worked…
     End of story, we didn’t get paid for our time.  We were required to keep our mouths shut.  But now, it’s been five years, and I suggest never keeping any money in a foreign bank — too many of them are the same. 

     More recently, I had a client threaten to sue me for being two months late paying his bill.  Oh, and being more than a year late on a bill owed to a partner company.  Somehow, it was my fault that I couldn’t provide service to someone who continued not to pay.
     During a discussion with his “process agent” (Lawyer), I informed him that paying the bill was gonna be far less than the legal fees and court costs to pursue the case, and detailed every bit about why I would win.  Mr. Layer actually agreed, given full evidence.  I further indicated that said customer would end up having to pay the full amount of his bill, at least double that in his own legal fees, and have to pay mine on top of it.  Mr. Lawyer told me that because my case was an open-and-shut, he wouldn’t be pursuing me in court, and would bill his client at two hours of his time at a courtesy.
     I also asked Mr. Lawyer if he would pursue me in court if I blogged about it, and he said, “Feel free, just don’t embarrass anyone.”
     Kudos, Mr. Lawyer.  I’m actually amazed at the professional behavior you displayed today.  Seriously … I meet so few lawyers who are able to listen to logic and reason and come to a conclusion.  Most of them just want to tear someone a new one, regardless of the merits of a case.  So kudos, again, Sir.  You’ve managed to cast your profession in a better light where so few of your consituents can.
     I mean, my lawyer’s an asshole…  *snicker*

     As I was saying, you can, as a business owner, attempt to please everyone.  But sometimes, it’s absolutely impossible.  It takes so much time and energy sometimes to make right a wrong, or make right a perceived wrong that sometimes it’s just not worth it.
     What it comes right down to is, if you’re successful, there’s always gonna be someone standing there to knock you down.  If you’re honest and at least semi-reliable, you’re gonna get screwed at least once … more, if you’re growing.
     No amount of placating, consolation, credit card authorization, contact information or up-close-and-personal-ass-kicking can really “fix” anything if someone doesn’t wanna pay.  You can ruin their credit, have it done to you in return, spend all you want in legal fees, and it’s never gonna help.  You can’t garnish wages in most states…
     You cannot — cannot! — possibly hope to make everyone happy.  You do what you can, you try and fix things, and when they’re not working, you’ve just gotta be duck and pretend they’re water.

     Some customers are selfish.  That’s just a fact of life.  The more you have, the more likely you’re gonna have an “asshole customer.”  It’s a fact, Jack.
     They come to you to make you grovel … to try and think they’re offering you the privilege of taking their money, when in fact, you and your employees are busting your asses to take care of them.

     It is for this reason …

     I am sick to death of being a business owner.  I’ve been doing what I do for 22 years.  I am burnt out.
     I am an excellent Customer Service Representative.  I’m great with concepts, but I just don’t wanna implement any more.  Like most natural-born East Tennesseeans, I have a strong work ethic, and I can do anything.  Seriously, three months, I can figure out any job to a T.  Six months, I’ll have it mastered.  I’m meticulous — even anal at times.  But primarily, I can talk to anyone.

     The first $45K job offer that comes along can have me.  I’d settle for that little to get out from under my job stress, and have the stability.  Although, I know damn well I’m worth helluva lot more … Seriously.
     There’s a contact form … click it if ya’ve got any ideas.

     Alright, so it’s old … I haven’t seen it before …

     And, obviously, now I can’t use the I-D-Ten-T thing anymore, either… Kinda sucks, since RTFM is common knowledge, and I just lost PEBKAC last month…

     This morning, I got a call from a customer who was attempting to use the Tennessee Purchasing Division’s Notice of Award and Bid Opportunities system.  It’s a pretty common situation: the State has some software that was written many, many years ago, and haven’t bothered to update it.  They ask users to download a plugin which doesn’t work on Windows XP, and is unsupported by IBM.

     First call, I ask to speak with anyone who can handle some website issues.  The phone rings and rings, and eventually someone picks it up, and hangs up on me.

     The second call, I get an operator who insists on connecting me with the bids department.  When I get there, I’m told, “I don’t handle that!” and promptly get hung up on.

     On the third call, the first operator answers again and tells me that I should talk to “Random Government Employee” (RGE).
     “Hi, RGE, I’m calling for a vendor.  We’re having some issues using the website,” I explain.
     “What seems to be the problem?” he monotones.
     “Well, the viewer software that you guys direct people to download isn’t compatible with XP.  It hasn’t been updated since 2004.”
     “Yes it does work with XP!” he responds angrily.
     “Well, my customer has tried it, I’ve tried it, and it doesn’t work.”
     “We use it here!” he interjects.
     “Well, that would probably be a different one, made to work with your printing system.  There’s another…”
     “No, there’s only one!” he interrupts.
     “Okay, anyway, it doesn’t work.”
     “Yes it does!” he yells.
     He promptly hangs up on me.

     Now, three calls, three hangups, I’m getting a little annoyed.

     Fourth call, I speak with Operator #2 again, and she directs me to someone, but refuses to tell me the person’s name.  Ok.
     “This is RGE.  Can I help you?”
     “Yes, I was calling about the website.  Do you handle technical issues?” I ask.
     “I can handle some,” she responds.  “It depends on what it is.”
     “Well, the APF viewer software that’s linked from the website doesn’t work with XP…”
     “Yes it does,” she states bluntly.
     “No, ma’am, it doesn’t.  It comes up with an installer error.  The IBM website has no XP compatibility listed.  The file is marked ‘old and unsupported’ and the ‘new’ file to replace that, which is supposedly compatible with XP doesn’t have a print button.”
     “Yes it does,” she states bluntly, again.
     “Ma’am, I’ve attempted this on two machines.  The customer has tried it on theirs.  Setup will not run.”
     “It works fine.  We run XP, and it works fine.”
     She hangs up.
     Apparently, ’some’ technical support meant, “If I feel like you’re worth talking to.”

     I told my customer what was going on.

     In the meantime, they’d called and spoken with a different RGE.
     “Your firewall is blocking it.”
     How this has anything to do with a program that won’t install is beyond me.

     Playing, “yes it does / no it doesn’t,” with adults is bothersome enough.  There are no questions: “You are wrong!” is the resounding argument.  They won’t listen to the issue, just want to argue, and have no intention of helping anyone.
     And the hanging up thing?  That’s just asinine.  I could see the point if I was calling screaming at them, cursing or just generally being a jerk, but I’m not.  I don’t do that.  I have to keep some semblance of civility.  I mean, after all, I am calling them for assistance…

     But no.

     No assistance.  No civility.  Nothing but a dialtone.

     It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened, either.  Dealing with the State Department of Education was just as difficult given a situation that didn’t exactly fit any specific criteria.  Dealing with a Sales and Use Tax office that can’t process anything in a timely fashion unless you physically wave it under their noses isn’t very helpful either.  Neither can the Department of Vital Records get their heads out to do what they say they’re gonna do…

     Certainly, the culture in Tennessee Government is pretty far removed from the way it used to be.  And these days, there’s no one to even complain to when there’s a problem.
     So do we do the typical thing and blame the influx of rude immigrants, or should this growing problem be placed squarely at the feet of Governor Phil Bredesen?  The way it is now, I’d rather be talking to Indians.  At least then I can eventually get transferred to a manager…

If not of satan, then a spawn of said demon.
They are almost as bad as Wal-Mart, yet another corporate money-grubber I hate with a purple passion.

I went to pay my monthly Comcast bill online by check. Have technology, why not use it. Save a stamp, save a tree.
Well, when I clicked submit, it gave me an error message and number, which I’m glad I wrote down. So, I called and went through an seemingly endless barrage of the same automated questions being asked over and over by an annoying voiced robot. Then, as has been every other time I’ve called Comcast, I was put into the standard holding pattern like an Airbus 300 waiting to land at Los Angeles International Airport.

I was given clearance to land, and began my decent into the always fun world of call center customer service.

I spoke with girl this time who said she didn’t see any pending payments or anything and that I should just make my payment over the phone.

So, I did. With my debit card, which goes immediately. Come to find out 30 minutes later, the internet payment had went through and here is my confirmation.

So, I call them (Comcast) back, I go through the automated answering phone maze again and back into the standard holding pattern like an F16 circling Baghdad, only to talk to a not so pleasant or helpful fellow named Josh. They can’t stop either payment, he says.
“Hello.” Say I, Just reverse the charges on the debit card, pal!!??!!”

To which Josh says repeatedly, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Once payments are through, they are through and there is nothing we can do about it. I spent more than 45 minutes of my valuable time, not to mention all the hold time, fighting with Josh about how all of this is not my fault.
I would have never paid over the phone had I not received an error message up on the clicking of the submit button.

So, I get on my cell phone and call the bank whilst on hold . And, as the useless bloodsuckers they are, can’t stop any payments, as both are technically electronic payments.

Color me screwed. So two payments in the amount of $153.00 are going to be sucked out of my bank account because Comcast’s website sucks on severely proportionate levels

Now I’m on hold with them again, as they always have higher than normal call volume.

     Last week, I inherited a website maintenance customer from a partner company.  After getting everything working on Wednesday afternoon, I sat back and waiting until the next time they’d call.

     On Thursday, I was forwarded an e-mail saying there was an additional issue with their site.  I looked at the file dates, and of course, one of the files in their e-Commerce software had been modified at 9:03AM on 19-Apr-2007.  I rebuilt the file, inserted the requisite variables, and called the customer.
     “No, I haven’t been in it,” he said.  “I just got this stuff yesterday.”
     Clearly, someone had.  The site worked perfectly fine when I left it on Wednesday.  Regardless, I took his explanation, and asked that he setup an account with us.
     “No, all this stuff should be part of the Setup,” he monotoned.  “My wife does all of the billing, anyway.”  Eventually, he promised to have her called me on Friday, 20-Apr-2007.

     Friday came and went without a phone call.

     Monday came, and there were new issues.  At 3:30PM, interns at the company called me to tell me that they were unable to login to the website’s backend yet again.
     Investigation showed that files had been changed at 2:30PM, an hour before they called.  I told them I would call them back, made the required changes, and got it all up and running again.

     The first intern I talked to didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the person who did that.
     Of course, the second intern didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the owner.  “Oh, she’s not in, but I’ll have her call you back tomorrow!”

     Today … I never received a call from them.  I called the company again, attempted to speak to the owner, and was told, “Oh, I’m sorry she didn’t call you back.  But she doesn’t know you, and isn’t comfortable setting up an account when she doesn’t know what it’s for.”
     “It’s for fixing your website,” I explained.  “I’ve been trying to get hold of her since last week.”
     “No, really?  You didn’t talk to anyone here,” she said in a sarcastic tone.
     “No, I spoke with your sysadmin, her husband, last Thursday,” I explained.  “We need to get this situation resolved.  I need to speak with her, and get this straightened out.”
     “Well, what is it that you do?” she asked.
     “Well, you call us for help, we fix it.  Like when you called me yesterday,” I explained.
     “Well, she doesn’t know you, and, uhh, we might not use you anyway.”
     “That’s a bit rough,” I said firmly.  “You’re leaving me in a position where my only recourse is to revert the fixes I’ve made and leave you with it.  I don’t want to have to do that…”
     “Well, okay, I’ll call her right now,” she agreed.

     An hour later, I get a call from my partner company.
     “Mark, she’s going off that you’re making terrorist threats against her website!”
     “Man, I’m still trying to get hold of her.  Her intern said she wouldn’t call me because they don’t know me.”
     “That’s ridiculous … I sent them the e-mail last week!” he exclaimed.
     “Yeah, and it’s their sysadmin’s position that if they break anything on the site right now, that they’ve already paid for it with setup,” I explained.  “But he’s going to have his wife call me, only, she won’t talk to me, because she doesn’t know me.”
     “Well, she said she’s not going to do business with any company that starts making terroristic threats against her website.”
     “Maybe you should give her the number for Homeland Security,” I told him.

     We had a bit of a laugh at the nonsense of the situation.

     Nobody can fault me on my Customer Service skills.  For that matter, no one can say I’ve ever been unfair when issues like these have arisen.

     This is simply a client who’s attempting to get out of paying their bill.  A previous maintenance company allowed them to pay with barter dollars, so I’m guessing they’re a bit miffed at having to come up with cash or a credit card to for the service.

     Some customers nobody needs.

     But in the meantime — I’m a website terrorist!  *thumbs up*

     Should I start wearing a turban?

     This morning, at 6AM, my telephone rang.
     “Hello?”
     I was greeted by a recorded message telling me about the wonders of Globalization, and how Offshoring can help my business.  I hung up.  The phone rang again, and when I answered, the recording continued.

     I called back the number of my caller ID — 703-738-6669.  It took two tries to get to a human being, who explained that she was with Arctern Incorporated, and was based in — no big surprise — India.

     I asked her why their company was calling people in the United States at 6AM.
     She began reading a broken-English essay about offshoring.
     I told her that at 6AM, no one was open to that kind of drivel.  I also informed her that since I’m on US/Eastern, it was later here than anywhere else in the US, and that her and company have NO BUSINESS calling ANYONE in the United States at that time.
     “Sir, perhaps you should speak to our marketing department.”
     “I will not speak to your marketing company.  You are officially informed that you are not to call this number ever again, and right now, you’ll be extremely lucky if I don’t file a nuisance complaint and have your Fairfax, Virginia telephone number disconnected.”
     At that point, I hung up.

     Arctern’s website lists all sorts of buzzwords.  “Outsourcing.”  “Offshoring.”  “Technology.”  “Research.”

     I only consider that their “Outsouced,” “Offshore” corporation was unable to leverage “Technology” and “Research” Time Zones before they started mass-dialing the United States at 6AM.

     Arctern Incorporated get the Asshat-of-the-Day award.

I was looking around for Knoxville blogs and came across this post. It was just too damn perfect not to share. All you locals can relate:

So one of my bitches (yeah Allison I’m talking about you) moved with her hubs to Los Angeles so as to cozy a little closer to what the Pacific Coast has to offer. The first time I spoke to her after the big move, she was telling me how a vast majority of the working class in LA have no work ethic at all. Everyone is working at Starbucks until they get their big break, or working at the call center until they get their “show.” Nobody just worked anywhere because they liked it or because they liked dealing with the public or because they might learn a little something about life and happiness after putting in a day’s hard work. Thus jobs are disposable and I have to imagine that customer service and morale in general are rock bottom there. I thought about it a lot and thought about how I have been at the same job for 2 years. I hate it but can find some merit in what I do. I don’t love my job, but I like it and I love my co-workers. It is hard to imagine leaving and even harder for me to imagine how a person could go into an employment situation thinking that in one week they might quit. I simply could not understand or imagine life in LA. That all changed Sunday…  

My boyfriend and I took a trip to our local used book warehouse, McKay’s bookstore, to find some literature. We of course found the perfect books at the perfect price ($2 yo) and headed to the cashier to pay. Lo and behold, within 20 seconds I was transported from Knoxville, Tennessee to Los Angeles, California. I was faced with the whiniest, rudest bunch of wanna-be artist, writers, actors, comedians, musicians and maybe even some trapeze artists who would obviously rather sit around and seem self-important than do their job and check me and my $2 book out. Checking out at this store is like taking a much-needed crap, it starts uncomfortbly gets down-right painful but is such a relief when it is over. You take the book up to the counter, the cashier (usually wearing some variety of either leather or flannel and smelling a bit more than faintly of cigarette smoke and patcholi) looks at your selections with a critical eye and most likely makes a scoffing sound. If you’re really constipated for a bad experience, they will even make comment on your selection.For example, I once bought a Radiohead Cd and I was informed, “…understanding their music is something that so few lucky souls can do.” The cashier than asked me if I felt lucky then smirked, “ Didn’t think so…” Once I ventured to buy North by Northwest on DVD and was informed that DVD’s were the bastardization of the movie culture and this particularly surly salesperson bets that I also prefer CDs to vinyl.

All I have to say for ye employees of Mckay’s, be ye sick or weary of the working world, WE ALL HAVE TO HAVE REAL JOBS! You are in Knoxville and will probably never have a recording contract or a movie deal or an exhibit and you will probably never be able to support yourself with your art. Don’t stop trying, for goodness sake, but do stop acting like I am the bitch that is making you work at McKay’s instead of writing your best seller. And if checking me out makes you that unhappy…GET ANOTHER JOB!

Or just move to LA….they will love you there