My mother called me a couple of hours ago to tell me that the show Cold Case (which I’d never watched, or ever heard of) was going to be set in Knoxville and Nashville. Apparently the premise was that a country singer (from Nashville) was killed six years ago in Philadelphia and they’re re-opening the case, which calls for a trip down south.

As I said, I’d never watched the show before, nor had I even heard of it. But I thought what the heck, I’ll give it a shot. I thought they might have actually filmed some of the scenes on location and I would see some familiar sights.

Gripe Number One: We are not animals. When the Philadelphia detectives are told that they’ll be going to Tennessee, they acted as if they’d been assigned to a third world country. OK, seriously, it’s not that bad. There seems to be this idea that Hollywood must portray the south as backwoods and uncivilized. We do actually have some pretty spiffy buildings, and I’ve heard tell that SOME places in the south even have running water and electricity!

Gripe Number Two: The ACCENTS!! Oh. My. God. I cannot stand to hear an actor who has clearly never been south of the Mason-Dixon line try to do a southern accent. Just like I can’t stand to hear an actor (or anyone else) who has never ventured out of the US try to do a British (or Aussie, or German or..) accent. Very few people can pull it off and be believable. Is it really that hard to find a few actors who truly ARE southern? I don’t try to do accents, because I realize I sound like a total dork. And the actors that they had doing these “southern accents” were soooo incredibly thick, I could hardly understand them. Truly, most of Nashville just isn’t THAT southern and is, in fact, quite metropolitan.

Gripe Number Three: The appearances of the “Nashville” characters. Everyone in the south does not have a scruffy goatee. Everyone in the south is not dirty. Everyone in the south does not wear a cowboy hat. Everyone in the south does not dress like they’ve just rolled in off the farm. Everyone in the south is not a country musician (or country music fan.) I promise. And contrary to popular belief, we actually DO bathe.

Gripe Number Four: The names of the “Nashville” characters. Sugar? Honey? Big Daddy? What the hell? I don’t know anyone named Sugar or Honey and I certainly don’t know anyone named Big Daddy. I’m truly amazed they didn’t have a Bubba or Vern. Oddly enough, I don’t know anyone named Bubba or Vern, either.

I tried watching some of the show, but it was so disjointed and unbelievable, I quickly lost interest. I still don’t know if they ever showed anything that was supposed to be in Knoxville, because I’d already changed the channel. And perhaps that’s why I’d never heard of this show. I’m wondering if anyone else has either.

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