I can’t sleep.

     I went fishing Saturday night with Zacque and his Uncle.  I thougt it would be relaxing, but it wasn’t.  All I did was miss my Wildcat so bad I couldn’t stand it.  His Uncle drove, because I was absolutely smashed — lots of alcohol — and I’m so prone to go into crying fits at any given moment.
     Finally, his cousin came and drove Zacque and I back.  I cried the whole way home, wishing my Wildcat had been there.

     I called my Wildcat and left her a message, because I missed her.  I wished she’d been there.  And then this morning, this is the last message I got:

Okay, I played your last message over and over, because I heard a woman in the background and it sounded like she said, “Don’t start”?????????

     And nothing since.

     All I ever do is cry over this woman.  I miss her so bad I can’t stand it.  Everyone know that.  Everyone.  And it worries a lot of people, because I’m not very functional without her.
     I either break down crying or go completely despondent.

     And I can’t sleep.

     And I can’t eat.

     I want her so bad I can’t stand it.

     I need her.

     I don’t want to write any more.  I don’t want to do anything any more.  I don’t want to go to sleep and miss her, and I don’t want to wake up and be without her.  I don’t want to go out, because she’s not at my side.  I can’t keep my head in work.  And everything just feels hopeless as Hell.

     Now, I feel like I’ve lost everything.

     All I’ve done is hurt like Hell for a month.  It’s been a month…

     And it just gets worse.

     People talk.  Some tell me this is unhealthy, that I need to move on, and I tell them to go to Hell.  I can wait.  I will wait.

     When I saw her a week and a half ago, I got down on my knees with her and prayed with her.  I’ve never done that with anyone.  And I meant every word I said.  I take my vows seriously.  And I will walk through every Hell for this woman, with this woman.

     She is the One.  And she’s the only thing I need…

     If everythign else was gone, I’d still need her.

     And so, I keep holding out hope.  I keep praying. 

     She’s the only thing in the world that makes me happy any more.

     I need her like air.

     And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

     I don’t care what it takes.