Not only do I notice skanks and bimbos and man-whores, but I take the time to notice extremely sexy people too. You know, the sexy ones who make you stop for a second and say, “Thank you, God!”

Diva’s choice for HOTTIE OF THE DAY: CRISS ANGEL

My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Can somebody get me a glass of ice water and a set of handcuffs?

I had forgotten just how hot he is since we are currently in between seasons of MindFreak. But just last night, I saw a rerun from last season and it all came rushing back to me. Dang! He’s freakin hot!

I first started drooling over this man a couple years back when I saw him on the strip in Vegas. He was doing card tricks on the street. I didn’t realize who he was until I got home and a good little while later saw him on MindFreak.

In the beginning he was almost scary looking. So, what makes Criss Angel so hot now?

The magician gig. There is something about a mystic that is pure, unadulterated sexy. He is very passionate about his endeavors, which obviously makes Diva think that he would be very passionate in all aspects of his being *wink*.

The hair. He pulls off the long semi-80’s teased look like a pro. Not since Sebastian Bach has any man rocked 80’s mall hair.

The eyes. Mesmerizing. Deep eyes that you could get lost in and not want to find your way back. If you watch his show, you know that he has a dreamy quality going on with those eyes. I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think it is safe to make direct eye contact with him. Might go into hottie shock.

The Abs. Um. Day-um, the six pack. Honestly, the man has the body of a Greek god. With all of the physical preparation and the black belt in karate, it’s no wonder.

Confidence. Although he wasn’t always totally hot, there is a certain self-confident quality about him without cresting that point of being completely stuck on himself.

The Tag Line is even sexy. “Are you ready?” Oh honey, am I.

I’ve decided after my boob job and the bleach, I’d like to have Criss Angel delivered to my door with a big red bow on his forehead. Better yet, he lives in Vegas; deliver me to him by same day service.

I got this cool RAZR v3xx recently. I can plug it right into a USB port on my computer. It tells me in the manual that if I get a memory card, I can transfer video, music and pics onto the phone from my computer. So I got a 1 Gig microSD for $20.

I plugged it in and sure enough, I can browse over to the phone. Yippee! I dropped a couple of tunes over there and a few pics and I am rockin. I’m gonna have a unique tune for all my friends and their pictures.

But, the phone says all the pictures are corrupted and the songs hosed.

I tried logical things like searching the Motorola support site. Did their thing. No good. Tried to exactly match images to the size and dpi of the pictures I took with the phone camera. Nope. Jpeg or gif. Nope. Downloaded a number of free software trials. Nope, nope, nope.

You see, you can indeed put files on your RAZR’s memory card from your computer, the manual does not lie. However, if you want to view those pictures or listen to those tunes with your phone, sorry man.

They want you to download your songs and ringtones for a price. They want you to email the pictures or send them some other wireless way they can charge you for. A nice slow draining.

I am begining to see cellphones as the biggest scam ever perpetrated on humanity. From sites that offer ringtone downloads, but first make you put in your number to back-handedly sign you up for a monthly fee to be added to your bill; to phones that start talking to other phones at will to send them songs and, hey, there is a small fee for the transfer, or, you can get the Googly-Moogly Bandwidth package that lets you send lots of crap from your phone each month for just $19.99 monthly! They went ahead and put this into my new contract without telling me. Thanks dude! And don’t forget the carefully placed extra buttons right next to the dial and hang-up buttons that immediately take you to the Internet and start the slow drip, drip, drip of your money… Oops!

I am a pretty smart guy and technically savvy, and this is clearly not a simple work around. The answer is out there, and I will find it. It’ll probably cost me of course. And if you want me to tell you how to get files from your computer to your RAZR, well, that’ll cost you. I want my cut of the action. Unfortunately, my feeding off of you does not make me young forever, but my kewl ass phone does… as long as I feed the beast…

     Okay, I suck.  I forgot last week’s Monday Melee.  And then, I forgot it yesterday, too.  I dunno how that happened!  Well, actually, I do, but I’m not telling.  Thpft!
     Meanwhile, I’m gonna sit here jamming out to Etta James some more…

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

     Some people are just gigantic asshats.  They serve no purpose, other than the be asshats.  I’m sure everyone knows at least one.  The worst types of asshats are the ones who can’t tolerate other asshats in the slightest.  They get all bent out of shape when someone treats them like they treat everyone else around them.
     Makes me wanna slap some sense into ‘em.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

     Al Gore decided to slam the Media for “trivialities and nonsense” the other day.  He immediately followed up his jab for Media to pick up one of his pet causes — well, actually, the only cause.  Apparently, Mr. Gore feels that United States should pass Global Warming legislation which puts limits on pollution which are lower than our current standards.  What a ‘tard!

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

     I’m not unhappy.  Really.  ;-)  Gimme a few hours… I figure by 9AM, I’ll have something…

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

     Umm … Hey, you.  No, not you — that one … Yeah, you … Thanks.

     (No names, no names)

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

     I heard a rumour that I’m a really nice and generous guy who’s always around to offer a shoulder and a beer.  Yeah, okay, that’s true. 

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

     Tomorrow night’s Powerball Lottery sure sounds good.  I can think of all sorts of things I could do with those kinds of winnings… First on the list: Disney World again. ;-)

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.

In honor of the weeks to come I would like to offer a throwback to the days of yore, a visit to a political party that makes sense.  Well, okay, at least the didn’t go back on their promises.  The party I am talking about you ask?  Why its only the two term Pail and Shovel Party hailing from Madison, Wisconsin.

This party single handedly did away with the bickering of the Student Government about how much funding each group got by converting the entire budget into pennies.  They also brought Lady Liberty to Lake Mendota. 

So in the upcoming elections I would be on the look out for someone who at least comes through on their promises… I give my vote to Pail and Shovel.

     I find Sasha Baron Cohen brilliant, a master-of-irony whose talents rival the twisted genius of Andy Kaufman.  As Ali G (a muslim ‘gangsta’ rapper), he caused tremendous controversey from unwitting participants on his English talk show.  As Bruno (an openly gay Austrian fashion correspondent), he’s repeatedly shaken up the industry and called out many a designer on their pompous, ridiculous notions.  And as Borat (a Kazakhstani reporter filming a documentary about the US — and A), he’s managed to piss off pretty much everyone from the Grand Ol’ South to the former Soviet bloc.

     But there is a great truth that everyone should know:

     Most Men find Borat hilarious.

     Most Women do not.

     For those burning up with Borat Fever (this means you, Zacque!  *grin*), some translation may be required:

     Men who make impersonation of reporter from glorious nation of Kazakhstan have great success in not make sexy time with girlfriend.  Is bad for you… High five!  Fortunate, there is help… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Not.  Please to review following video, ”Borat Sketch (PSA): Cultural Learnings for Make Unoriginal Douchebag Stop Do Impersonation.”

     For you Dave Chappelle wannabes out there … You are not Rick James, bitch!  Help will be coming for you soon…

Dear Lord. Won’t it ever go away? What did we do to deserve more drama out of the Anna Nicole family?

Finally, Vergie Arthur *cringe* has quieted down. Finally, Howard K. Stern appears to have went in to relax mode. Nobody has tried to dig her up. There are no more wannabe daddies coming out of the woodwork. Seemed like the train wreck was just about cleaned up and we could all just go on with our lives……

Until 5 minutes ago.

Now it seems Anna’s freak step-sister, Donna Hogan, the author of the much acclaimed biography about Anna Nicole, Train Wreck, is gonna try to step into Anna’s life and live it. Chick is gonna get a new set of boobs and bleach her hair. She’s icky, and borderline scary.

Get this. She’s gonna get the new rack and go try to screw her way into Playboy… *cringe again*.

Wonder how long it’ll be before Howard K. moves in on her? At least she’s got the book profits… that dork doesn’t even have a job now.

For real, the last thing I want to hear on the news everyday is all the crazy shit this broad is gonna do to try and drum up some (apparently much needed) attention. Yup, I could live a thousand lives and be happy never to here any of this crap about Anna Nicole and her screwed up family/friends again.

On second thought, maybe I should start a cause….  Donations accepted for Diva’s boob job and other minor plastic surgeries in an effort to beat that freak skank to the punch.  We’ll call it the “Make Diva Famous Fund”.

Mark, you’re in charge of passin the collection plate, pal!

The names in this blog will be changed to protect the guilty, as my imagination can only run wild as I wonder to myself… WTF are those two talking about?

As heard in Catscratch Jane’s last night…

***Dude, now my breath smells like your girlfriend!***

Um. Where would I go from here? I sat there in the midst of the live “entertainment” which is ever present on Wednesday, my mind spinning, thinking to myself … EWWWW!

Do I even want to know what exactly that meant? Me thinks not.

Yup, yup. Hmm.  Is this one lame, or just plain scary?

     The arrival of warmer weather means many things to many different people.  No more snow.  Sunlight.  Trees.  Animals.  Flowers.  The removal of winter garb, in favor of more comfortable clothing, which may or may not reveal an indeterminate amount of flesh.  This is quite notable in the Female variety of our species.

     The fact that the majority of barstools are made of commercial-grade Vinyl can be especially problematic for Females who, due to weather, are beginning to wear shorter skirts.  Their supple skin, when subjected to temparatures above seventy degrees Farenheit and combined with an average body temparature of 98.6 Degrees, may experience a temporary chemical bond with said Vinyl.

     I would ask readers to please be aware of this issue.  Females should especially take note that a slightly longer skirt may decrease the risk of Vinyl-to-epidermal bonds.

     Men should not laugh as bonded barstools fall towards their Female counterparts.  Instead, Men should assist, ever-so-slightly, by putting their feet on the back of said barstools in order to assist the pulling of supple, Female skin from said commercial-grade Vinyl.

     Men should also pay close attention to the problem of vacuum-lock, which may occur between the Female thighs and a standard, commercial-grade barstool.  This problem may present itself with Females who are overly sexually active, or those who have very recently or chronically engaged in sexual intercourse.  These Females should generally be avoided at all costs.
     However, under certain, very specific specific circumstances, this may also be caused by a spontaneous reaction due to a Female’s interest in a chosen Male, although this behavior is considered to be especially rare in establishments which serve alcoholic beverages.

     This has been a Public Service Announcement.

In honor of the last clip mentioned in Mark’s Tourette’s Week piece, here is a lovely little homage to the same movie “The Big Lebowski.”

     My friend Anton came up with a great new way to use up all that annoying, excess, monthly bandwidth … *snicker*

     In the spirit of I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?, he brings you…

     The lolcatgenerator.com! 

     Create your own LOLcat!  Vote on others!  And if you act now, you’ll get the personal satisfaction of knowing you made the funniest one and have no way to prove it!

Note: I R GUD BETA TESTER!