Family Dysfunction
April 6th, 2007 at 9:35 pm by Mark SteelTags: asshats, bad-parenting, christianity, family, law, psychology, religion
I post this against my better judgement… but I need to.
“All families are dysfunctional,” someone told me once.
But in mine, everyone’s just waiting for the next crisis. With baited breath, they look forward to the next time they can tear into someone at the drop of a hat, complete with neverending verbal onslaughts, pathetic lies and horrible slanders that would make even Jesus Christ Himself punch them in the mouth.
Sometimes, those situations graduate from simple character assassination to theft, vandalism, burglary, and assault — on rare occasions, maybe even a vehicular assault or a shooting.
You can’t defend yourself against it. You’re automatically “a liar,” and there’s no way around it no matter what you do.
They attack first, with righteous anger, and never ask a single question — or, at least, will never let you answer anything fully — ignoring the fact that there are two sides to every story. Most of the time, if everyone would just shut up and think, they might realize maybe something wasn’t right about the situation to begin with. Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins… All ready to jump on you and split you apart at the seams. How could it be right?
“I’ll never love you!”
“You’re possessed / the Antichrist!”
“You’ve gone too far this time!”
“You’ve always been worthless!”
“I’d hate to be you!”
“I’ll spend $100,000 to handle you!”
“I’ll break every bone in your body!”
“I’ll burn it up with you in it!”
Most of this is from people who’ve never even been around the situation, have no idea what’s going on, but they’re ready to throw me to the lions for doing one simple thing: I took legal action to relieve myself of one of the worst instigators.
Like I was told today…
“You’re selfish! You never think about anyone but yourself!”
That might’ve actually made me take pause, had the two of them not come into my home, threatening that I’d better “drop the charges” “or else” a few different things were going to happen. There aren’t many things more selfish than trying to force someone to bend to your will…
As for my being self-centered, it would be pretty difficult to find anyone who’d say I didn’t bend over backwards to help people. Or that I didn’t listen when someone had something on their mind. It’s hard to imagine I could be like that, and still be “selfish.”
Besides … Pushing threats and ultimatums down someone’s throat is certainly no way to advance any situation towards resolution.
Families should stand together, and attempt to resolve things with civility and dignity. You’d certain expect it to be that way from a bunch of people who claim to be more righteous than the Pope.
In situations where one person has been wholly unreasonable, attempts at resolution by a family can serve the purpose of quelling some of the insanity, and if not, at least give some insight as to where the problem lies…
Instead, I have to deal with this blood-thirsty excuse for a family, and put up with the aftermath of a situation created by a person who isn’t taking any responsibility for any part of this situation…. a person who’s been running around to everyone in the family gaining support with a tear and a sob story.
For my part, I’ve tried not to drop to that level. It’s none of the family’s damn business, anyway. The situation doesn’t concern them at all. It’s just an excuse to do what they typical do: go on a Holy Crusade, and nail someone else to a cross.
A family like that, who won’t even get my side of the story before they start ripping me apart in that old familiar way, that’s what I got.
I’ll tell ya one thing: I don’t need that in my life.
I have enough stress.
It’s a wonder they never realized that maybe that was the reason I’ve moved all over the world and kept my distance from them…
…and their “religion.”
April 6th, 2007 at 10:21pm
OK Mark, this is not advice. I don’t give advice. I can tell you what my redhead did when she was put (regularly) into a different yet similar situation: She stopped having any contact with her family. It hasn’t been perfect, and she went through some painful adjustment, but in the long run it has been much better.
One thing was easier for her: She didn’t live in the same city her family did and we have even moved, changed phones since.
At least we can empathize.
April 6th, 2007 at 10:42pm
Problem is: I’ve moved around the world and still had to put up with the person who’s intigating this Family Offensive. It didn’t matter that I moved out of the country even, I still had to put up with her regular verbal abuse via telephone and email. And so … I filed a legal document which bans that person from contacting me in any way, shape form or fashion — and the family are livid.
They scream all day, “We’re Christian people! We don’t act like this!” Fact is, it’s freaking sick that you have to do something like this to protect yourself, your property and your livelihood from a family member. But it’s even worse that NOBODY’S EVEN ASKED ME anything about it — they just wanna rip me apart, in Jesus’ name!
Nothing new… I’ve watched ‘em do it to other people in the family, too.
They can have their drama. And they can keep their screwed-up sense of Religion & Family, too. They’ve invalidated anything positive they might say about it by continuing their tirades, backstabbing, vandalism and threats.
So, yeah … that’s the plan.
It’s an unhealthy environment. I want no part of it. Or them.
April 6th, 2007 at 11:02pm
Sorry. That’s all I know to say.
My family is wonderful - I am blessed so I can’t identify or offer much help, but you do have my support. Stay true to yourself and your values.
April 7th, 2007 at 1:12am
[...] Here’s a quick excerpt In situations where one person has been wholly unreasonable, attempts at resolution by a family can serve the purpose of quelling some of the insanity, and if not, at least show with the whom the problem lies… … [...]
April 7th, 2007 at 1:39am
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it sucks. Life is too short and there are too many good people out there to waste time and energy with toxic people. They will suck the life out of you. Karma is a bitch, and will eventually square things up. In the meantime, hang up the phone, delete the email and don’t answer the door. If you cannot avoid these people, at least do not grant them the pleasure of your reaction. Practice a good poker face and use it. Silence is immensely powerful. Divorce yourself emotionally from these people. It will be the single most empowering thing you can do here.
Just some ramblings from a survivor of something similar …
April 9th, 2007 at 3:39pm
[...] Give someone credit for something and name it if you can. This week I’m giving credit to Mark. He could be such an asshole and no one would blame him, but yet, he’s [...]
April 10th, 2007 at 7:29am
Your story makes me literally cry- I’m so sorry that people who do horrible things physically and emotionally are hurting you.
Please don’t throw away all of Christianity because of these people, though. You yourself recognize they are NOT acting like what they claim to be! You don’t believe their lies about your personality, PLEASE don’t believe their lies about Christianity!
Christ Himself is worth keeping, and can give you so much peace and healing in this awful, awful situation.
Thank you for listening to my belief and advice.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:21pm
Oh my goodness are you another me? I also moved to the other side of the continent and discovered happiness comes with distance to the fam.
Very sorry to hear what you are dealing with. Those were some statements you posted. It amazes me what some people will say to those they profess to “love”. Sick sick sick.
Good luck, keep your chin up and keep doing good by you, not them.
Hazel.
April 10th, 2007 at 4:39pm
You know you have your friends. We love you like family, which is good when family goes nutso. My phone rings if you need me.
xoxo~ Diva